The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

The Pen or The Finger?

I am in my kitchen making a cup of tea when I see an attractive man in his thirties approach my doorstep carrying a parcel. This doesn’t happen very often. (That’s the attractive man knocking on the door – the parcels come a lot. In fact, Amazon would probably go into receivership without my custom.) I open my front door and take a closer look at my visitor. I decide he has modelled his appearance on George Clooney’s semi-bearded look. This is pleasing to the eye but doesn’t quite have the same impact as Gorgeous George is a six-footer and the delivery man is like Tom Cruise in stature. Somewhere six inches has gone missing. Still, I’m not one to complain about six inches. So I smile as he breaks into conversation. “Would you mind taking in this parcel for your neighbour?” “Sure.” I reply. The man hands over one

janeturley 30 September 2014 No Comments

A Haiku Stink

Master Benedict: I need to find a three word poem, print it off and take it into school. Mrs T: You mean, a three line poem. A haiku? Master Benedict: Yes, that’s right. A haiku. Mrs T: Let’s look on the net. Mrs T pulls up some haiku websites Mrs T: How about this one? Master Benedict: It’s crap. Mrs T: Yes. How about this one then? Master Benedict: That’s crap too. Mrs T: Hmm..yes it is. This one? Master Benedict: No. Mrs T: This one? Master Benedict: No. Mrs T: This one? Master Benedict:They’re all crap! Mrs T: Umm..yes. Most haiku is crap.What about this one ? Master Benedict: I suppose it will have to do. Beans are kind to hearts. I like to eat them daily. And then do big farts! Master Benedict: It’s still crap. Mrs T: Yes.

janeturley 25 September 2014 2 Comments

Culpability and White Lies at Tesco

A few days ago, I read with interest the breaking news in the UK that the FTSE 100 UK-based firm, Tesco, is under investigation for financial malpractice. Like many others, including shareholders whose investments have plummeted, I will be interested to discover the possible extent of the wrongdoings and the degree of culpability amongst the top executives. Since the global recession and the collapse of some banks, we are all more acutely aware of the malpractices and corruption that can occur within big companies that are driven to produce ever-increasing profits. I wrote about big business, corruption and culpability in White Lies, one of my stories in my collection, A Modern Life. The main protagonist, William Baxter, is a tyrannical profiteer who relishes his ruthless reputation until, one day, he meets a blind woman who unwittingly changes his perspective on life. The twist in the tale though is, by the

janeturley 25 September 2014 2 Comments

We’re still better together

So we’ve got to keep flogging haggis in our English supermarkets. I knew those cunning Scots were just trying to get my hopes up about us banning haggis imports. Now, if we can have a referendum on Europe, we’ll look even more like a democracy. Cameron’s promised one in 2017, if he gets re-elected. So that’ll give Cameron and his cronies two years to convince us the rest of Europe really cares about us. Good luck with that one, David. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be cynical. The truth is, I am all for European unity. I’m a liberal, forward-thinking kind of person. In fact I’m more than happy to see an exchange of imports and exports. We’ll take some Belgium chocolate and the rest of Europe can take the haggis. Seems only fair. The French can keep Gerard Depardieu as well. Apparently he drinks 14 bottle of wine a

janeturley 19 September 2014 No Comments

Just because it makes me laugh

If Scotland vote YES, Fred Perry will become the last British male to win Wimbledon (1936)…… again!! pic.twitter.com/Vawo1MfdYb — The Betting Bar (@TheBettingBar) September 18, 2014 Blimey, I wish Scotland would go to the polls more often. I’ve spent all day laughing.

janeturley 18 September 2014 No Comments

“Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious” – Oscar Wilde

Last night I watched (for about the third time) the action movie, The Rock. I laughed my socks off when Sean Connery (weather beaten ex-SAS released from prison to help fight renegade marines) quoted Oscar Wilde (witty Irish dramatist) to Ed Harris (balding bad guy) in that all-knowing way of his – creased forehead, one eyebrow slightly raised and talking out the side of his mouth. It’s the Scottish referendum today and with Connery noted for his Scottish patriotism, his character’s usage of the quote “Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious” rather appealed to my sense of humour. And then after I’d had a good old chuckle we got back to the deadly nerve gas and blowing up the bad guys. Yay. And just because it is referendum day, I am going to throw in another quote: “I realise that patriotism is not enough. I must have no hatred,

janeturley 18 September 2014 No Comments

Bad Timing – Again

Why is it that on one of the very few mornings I have overslept in my entire life it is the one morning I had booked an 8 am dentist appointment? I am still getting over the shock that the boys have gone to school and Mr T has gone to work with without waking me. The dentists have now given me a cancellation for 8 am tomorrow. Please God let me remember. Anyway, I have done a quick survey of the house: I am not convinced the boys have had any breakfast, brushed their teeth or, in Master Ben’s and Mr T’s case, taken a packed lunch – although there is a rogue plastic container on the kitchen cabinet. I think that’s as far as they got before the effort of making a sandwich proved too much. Nobody had remembered to let out Miss Agatha, our last remaining chicken,

janeturley 11 September 2014 No Comments

The Breaking Voice

I am quite sad that in the last week or so young Master Benedict’s voice has begun to break. In a way it signifies the end of an era. Some of you may remember this funny video of him playing with his plastic machine gun. More recently, he was filmed at Wimbledon. The next time I post a video of him he’ll probably sound like Placido Domingo. On another note – I am going out later and I plan to put a bra on. (See previous post if you’re confused.)

janeturley 9 September 2014 No Comments

Give Me The Booby Prize

I have just returned from the local post office where I was sending off a package. Just as I was handing it over, the post office clerk looked at me with amusement and said: “Your top has fallen down.” I looked down at my cleavage with horror. Unfortunately, I was still wearing the camisole top I was wearing in bed last night. And I had no bra on. Watch out for clips of CCTV footage on YouTube entitled “Braless Woman Shocks Post Office Clerk.” God, I hate the menopause.

janeturley 8 September 2014 2 Comments

Bye Bye Joan

How sad to hear that Joan Rivers has died. I enjoyed her superb wit and self-deprecating humour immensely. She was the only true international comedienne and a wonderful entertainer. I think she’s gonna have them rolling in the aisles beyond those pearly gates. One must always look on the bright side of things though as did Joan when times are tough. Therefore, I hope it isn’t too bold of me to say: I am optimistic that Joan’s jewellery collection will be buried with her.

janeturley 5 September 2014 2 Comments

Horror upon Horrors

Ladies, I know you will share this moment of ultimate horror with me… Yesterday, I went swimming for the first time for several weeks. I walked leisurely along the side of the pool which was full of children, parents and a few foolhardy swimmers, like myself, who were prepared to brave the onslaught to our ears. I lowered myself into the pool and began to swim at a gentle pace, blotting out the noise and relaxing after a few fraught weeks. And then, dear readers, I had my moment of ultimate horror. I realised I had forgotten to shave my bikini line.

janeturley 25 August 2014 4 Comments