The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

A Eye-Opening Question

How is it possible to own so many pairs of reading glasses and not be able to find a single pair? I am almost embarrassed to mention the exact number of pairs. They’re not all prescription glasses (just in case you think I’m loaded) I have two pairs from the 99p shop, several pairs from the “slightly better packaging almost 99p shop” and then there’s some others from the cheap chemist… And I can’t find a single pair. Grr. In desperation, I have taken to wearing glasses on my head and on a string around my neck like some mad old biddy. But most of the time that doesn’t work either. I doomed, doomed to an old age squinting at pictures and print whilst unintentionally signing myself up for constipation supplements. Doomed, I tell you. I’m also tired of checking for the whereabouts of my glasses by tapping myself on the head which causes people to think

janeturley 18 June 2014 4 Comments

Senility Strikes

Yesterday, I got into my car and drove to Tesco Express (an open-all-hours supermarket in the UK) with the intention of buying some food to make a spaghetti bolognese for tea. Food stocks are currently low in the Turley household and, as I hadn’t fancied doing a big shop earlier in the day, drastic action was called for at 7pm. Unfortunately, whilst I was driving I forgot that’s what I was planning to do and drove past Tescos Express and back home again. Tea was a minimal affair. Formal complaints were lodged and duly noted. I shall be producing a roast chicken and spuds today. Well at least I remembered to get into my car. This woman has more problems than I do.

janeturley 16 June 2014 2 Comments

The Importance of Tea… and Kettles

Now because my life is so exciting I need to report that I have a new kettle arriving today via Amazon prime delivery. This is because my other kettle has gone all hormonal on me. Sometimes it boils, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I have to hold down the all systems “go” button. Sometimes I don’t. Yeah, I know all this “on and off” stuff sounds like foreplay. But let me assure you, dear readers, my kettle never, ever, turns on by itself. Which is a pity because, as any woman knows, turning on by yourself can be a real bonus. Men seem to have a far greater capacity for turning on by themselves though which is not very fair. Still, it’s not always a good thing to turn on remotely when you’re in the gym. Or the office. Or down the pub. Or in the cinema. Question: is there anywhere

janeturley 3 June 2014 2 Comments

The Writers’ Curse -Typofuckitupitius

I will be talking about French trains and German engineering very soon. However, I have to stray from my agenda this morning as I have finally discovered why most writers are mad. I’ve heard about writers who imagine aliens and psychotic wide-eyed rabbits peering out of bushes at them. I’ve never considered myself as one of them because, as anyone who knows me is aware, I am completely normal. However, what I have discovered this morning is that these crazed writers are not just authors of science fiction, fantasy and obscure meaningless poetry as I imagined. They are not even affected by booze, drugs and mental illness. (Well not all of them.) They are just poor unfortunate writers, such as Mrs T, who have been cruelly afflicted by a terrible disease called Typo Fuckitupitus Now there are several degrees of this Typo Fuckitupitus. Unfortunately, I am in the advanced stage. This

janeturley 31 May 2014 2 Comments

Paperback Cover to The Changing Room

The final cover for the paperback version of The Changing Room has arrived. You can see pre-barcoded version below. I think it’s fantastic and on a par, if not better, than many of the traditionally published women’s novels. It just what I wanted – something unique and with an almost seaside-postcard feel that will hopefully create interest from both men and women. I’ve added a little clothes tag-style ticket to the upper left-hand corner of the rear cover which reads ” A book club novel.” This is because I believe The Changing Room is an ideal novel for book clubs as it incorporates many themes for discussion. (Although probably not in my book club where we prefer to discuss the choice of wine and latest village scandals.) So I’ve also included a book club section at the rear which includes bullet points for discussion and a Q & A section with me

janeturley 29 May 2014 4 Comments

Kindle Board Promotion.

My short story collection is being promoted via Kindle Boards at the moment. Accordingly, I’ve dropped the price a little to see if I can tempt anyone to buy this work of (dubious) genius. For a mere £1.82 or about $3.00 dollars you can get to read this masterpiece of English literature at your leisure. Now that’s got to be better than filing your nails. If you have any promotional tips/ideas for my books let me know. Especially ones that require minimal effort. After all, I’m suppose to be a writer not a marketing expert. Also, I’m not prepared to sell my body for a headline spot in the Daily Mail. I can do that by just writing an article about having sex with aliens.

janeturley 24 May 2014 No Comments

Blubbing about Blurbs

I think one of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face on my journey to publication is writing the blurb to my paperback version of The Changing Room. After numerous attempts, and equal amounts of wine, I’ve finally come up with this: “I am in the changing room of my life and tomorrow, win or lose, I’ll move forward a stronger and wiser woman.“ Sandy Lovett’s confused mother and chaotic life are having an effect on her waistline. She knows she needs to change her life but doesn’t know how until she buys a risqué dress which sets in motion a sequence of life-changing events. After years as a mother, carer and full-time employee, Sandy quits her job and places her mother in a care home, and life seems on the up. But disaster is never far away for the hapless Sandy as her mother’s obsessions continue to wreak havoc

janeturley 19 May 2014 6 Comments

“I’ve got some hot book tips to make your sexy best-seller reach new heights,” she said, breathing heavily and unclasping her bra.

Mr and Mrs T are in the kitchen. Mrs T is making chicken pie (which turned out to be minced-beef pie – but that’s another story.) Mrs T: Have you got any ideas for promoting The Changing Room when I launch it? Mr T: You need to write a blog post with lots of popular links in the title. Mrs T: Oh yes, I always get more hits on my blog when I use key words. Mr T: Something like; “Cat jumps on keyboard to write last sentence“ Mrs T: (Puzzled look) Eh? It needs something with “sex” in it. Mr T: Eh? Mrs T: Something like: “Sexy pussy gets knickers down in churchyard” Mr T: That’s how we met. Now that is simply not true, dear readers! Mr T is fibbing! I saw Mr T in a shop window and bought him very cheaply in exchange for two months supply

janeturley 15 May 2014 No Comments

Room Service

I am in my study writing and I have just been interrupted by a phone call from Master Benedict asking for “Room Service.” I have been informed that he would like crackers, cheese and smoked salmon. I shall now go down to the lounge where the Young Master is reclining in his pink onesie and discuss the pros and cons of ringing his mother for “Room Service.” It may be a short conversation. Master Ben has high expectations. Which is probably not a good idea.

janeturley 13 May 2014 2 Comments

Is Exam Time More Stressful for Parents or for Children?

The above question is one I have often asked myself over the years as I’ve dealt with exam-stress fall-out. Is it my imagination or were we a lot calmer about exams in days gone by? I don’t remember being that stressed about exams. I remember thinking; “Oh crap, I don’t know anything. Maybe if I use some big pretentious words it will pull the wool over the examiners eyes?” But I don’t remember getting too stressed. I think my “Big Pretentious Word Theory” must have worked as I passed most of my exams – except Maths. I tried using big pretentious numbers for Maths – but nobody fell for it. It was only afterwards did I realise the sums were mainly subtractions. It didn’t work in German either. Apparently, the examiner was English and I’d counted on the examiner being German so I suspect my repetitive use of the word

janeturley 13 May 2014 2 Comments

Catastrophe!

Oh God. I have bad news, dear readers. I have an ear infection. I know, I know, it’s not exactly global apocalyptic news. But it’s catastrophic news for me. I shall now have to wear one of the *ucking awful rubber caps in the pool this week. How gross is that? Oh God. No. Please. No. Picture courtesy of Amazon where they also sell a number of other more discreet swimming caps.

janeturley 12 May 2014 2 Comments

Cover Reveal: My Début Novel, The Changing Room

So I am in the final stages of preparing my novel The Changing Room for publication, and I will be announcing a release date very soon. In the meantime, here’s a taster of what’s in store with the first public airing of the cover by the very talented, Gracie Klumpp.

janeturley 8 May 2014 4 Comments