The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

The Need to Express

Relax. This is not a post about breastfeeding. No, today I am going talk about the need to express oneself artistically – which is a pompous way of saying you like to fart around wearing a silly hat and want everyone to admire you for it. Needless to say, I have always worn lots of hats. Anyway, this subject came up for discussion in my writers group where my fellow writer, Susann Fruendt posed the following question; I noticed that many of you have mentioned a real NEED to write; that it keeps you from going insane; that you feel restless/unhappy/incomplete/add other adjective of your choice if you don’t find the time to write. So my question is: Do you think that this necessary to be a good writer? Do all of you feel that to be writing is your calling? Does this consuming passion make you a better author?

janeturley 6 February 2014 No Comments

Ten Reasons Why I Love Americans

1. Over 100, 000 Americans have just signed a petition to have Justin Beiber kicked out of the US. That action deserves a round of applause. True, there’s been the odd occasion I’ve thought Americans were all bonkers (Eat Pray Love, election of George Bush Jnr, Kindegarten Cop) now I know they’re not. Hurrah. 2 Lots of Americans wear really big hats and I like hats. I especially like those ten-gallon hats cowboys wear. I also like the hat Huggy Bear wears in Starksy and Hutch. Cool. 3. I like Americans’ style. Even though Americans blow each other’s heads off with guns they still manage to justify their gun policy on the grounds of personal safety. In England we call that irony. In the US they call it logic. As I said, I like their style. 4. Americans spell words wrongly. I’ve got used to it. In fact, I find it rather

janeturley 30 January 2014 2 Comments

From subversive to submissive

I’m having a hell of a morning, folks. Full of disappointment. Now this is not because Master Jacob has forgotten his PE kit AGAIN and I’ve had to drive into town to drop it off – because three days in a row would have resulted in a major depression as I would have known for sure that my son was incapable of remembering anything but his first name. So all’s good – just two days in a row and he’s even managed to catch the bus every day this week. Yippee. The truth is I’m depressed because I’ve received an email from Amazon trying to sell me a matching set of placements and coasters. Now this is depressing because, frankly, I’m not looking like a very dynamic person if all they can try and seduce me with is placemats and coasters. How about sending me an email for a super-charged

janeturley 24 January 2014 6 Comments

Interrupting the deafening silence

Yes, I know I’ve have not been around much of late. However, today I had to break the silence to report a crime so heinous by one of the Young Masters that it can not go unreported. When they return home from school today I will be wearing my Spanish Inquisition frock and my kitchen tools will be laid out for ready for use. I will find out whether it is Master Benedict or Master Jacob who is the perpetrator of this unforgivable crime. And what crime is this I hear you ask? Well, dear readers, this morning I opened my email account and found a record of an unexpected purchase from itunes. One of the my boys has downloaded Let Me Go by Gary Barlow. GRR. I thought I was doing a good job with their music education. I shall have to review my methods.

janeturley 21 January 2014 No Comments

A (quick) Christmas Quiz

In case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been and where is my promised short story collection, here’s a short picture quiz which should enable you to deduce the answer. My laptop, featuring a picture of my forthcoming short story collection. A cup of green tea and lemon. (This mug was a gift from a friend who, I think, was trying to give me a subtle message. Jokingly, of course.) Speaks for itself really. Yep, so there you have it; I drowned my laptop. In true Mrs T form, I manage to completely wreck it. However, as I try to look on the bright side of things, you might be interested to know that I can now personally vouch for cleaning properties of green tea and lemon. You may be even more interested to know that a range of previously unknown obscenities will be published in the English dictionary next year.

janeturley 26 December 2013 4 Comments

A Thanksgiving Day Letter to Seth MacFarlane

Mrs Turley The Towers London England Seth MacFarlane The Studios Hollywood USA Dear Seth You have broken my heart. You have ruined Thanksgiving Day for your fellow countrymen. You have put the world in mourning. How could you kill off Brian in Family Guy? How could you? I loved Brian as if he were my own dog. The fact I don’t have a dog is irrelevant, but if I had a dog he would be just like Brian. We would have frolicked on my bed blowing raspberries, watching porn the Disney channel and laughing about Americanisms. What fun Brian and I would have had! But now we can’t. Because Brian is dead. As you can tell, even though I’m English, I was very fond of Brian. As your typical English person, I am also very pro animal rights (except when it comes to foxes and badgers) so I am outraged by

janeturley 28 November 2013 No Comments

An appeal on behalf of mothers to the makers of Doctor Who

Dear Producers, Are you out of your minds? Are you seriously going to have that old guy, Peter Capaldi, as the new Doctor Who? I’ve only just got used to the idea of Matt Smith as the Doctor and that’s because he looks like a bloke in his thirties now and not like he’s fresh out of nappies. And particularly ugly nappies, if I might say so. Look, I know most of the Doctors weren’t exactly youngsters but that was before merchandising really took off. Have you any idea what it’s like to wake in the night to a screaming child, run into their bedroom and find them pointing at a plastic figurine of Matt Smith bathed in moonlight? No? Well, let me tell you it’s not great. But now you’ve gone and got Capaldi I expect the screaming to intensify. I shall probably have to hire a therapist soon.

janeturley 25 November 2013 7 Comments

I am the Anti-Writer

When I first started my blog, I used to write the occasional post giving new dictionary definitions for common words. Back then my life revolved around domesticity and children so they were words like washing machine (a square shaped inanimate object used for the cleaning of clothes which holds no interest for men despite having a round door which opens and closes without foreplay). These days, although I don’t write much about writing here, I do occasionally mix with writers online and I certainly read a lot about writing and the arts in general. This has lead me to put together a new set of dictionary definitions appropriate to the moment. Here we go: Artist: someone who talks about himself a lot, is likely to be mentally unstable and draws pictures of himself as the Elephant man. Artists are usually harmless but are usually into self-harm. Painter: someone who knows the difference

janeturley 21 November 2013 2 Comments

Trouble in the School Changing Rooms

Yes, there has been trouble in the school changing rooms this week. Young Master Jacob has twice had money stolen from a zipped pocket in his trousers, resulting in him not being able to buy his lunch. Obviously, I am not pleased about this, especially as I have experienced first hand the trouble one can have with school bullies. ( I recounted one “fight” episode in my blog post Kenny & Dolly & The Adventurous Tales of Mrs T .) So, naturally, I was discussing strategies with Master Jacob prior to school this morning. As I was doing so, Master Benedict returned from the bathroom where his teeth had undergone the rare experienced of being cleaned. “Why don’t you just box him?” says Master Ben. (I should point out Master Jacob has a suspicion he knows who the culprit is.) Now the same thought had crossed my mind as it is

janeturley 15 November 2013 4 Comments

I am on Twitter!

Yes, I’ve finally caved in and signed up with Twitter. Now that my manuscript is out the big wide world accruing rejections, I thought I’d better join up with Twitter in case some big hot-shot literary agent pops in and thinks I’m not taking this writing business seriously. So I decided it was time for Twitter- cos let’s face it at my age offering sex for publication is not really a viable option. Apart from the fact that lots of literary agents appear to be women and I’m not a lesbian, I don’t think white, size eighteen thermal knickers would go down too well on the casting couch. So it has to be Twitter. So here I am: https://twitter.com/turleytalks Now unfortunately, all the combinations of my blog title Witty Ways, Wayward Wife, Witty Wife etc etc as well as MY name were already taken. Pah! So in the end I just

janeturley 12 November 2013 6 Comments

A quick poem about my driving skills

Nissans are blue Vauxhalls are green I’ve hit them both Which wasn’t forseen Kias are trouble But Nissans are worse They sneak up on you When you try to reverse I’ve hit so many cars The public are wary And my husband’s so cross He looks rather scary The police are on the lookout For a woman on their list Who looks like a loony And drives like she’s pissed. I’m hiding in the bathroom Until the cops disappear It wouldn’t be too bad But the sewerage pipe’s sheared. Where cars are concerned I haven’t had much luck I’d probably be okay though If I had a big truck

janeturley 7 November 2013 2 Comments

An extract from White Lies, from my forthcoming short story collection.

William Baxter crosses the floor, his sharp steps echoing in the marble foyer. The security guard looks up and touches his cap and Baxter gives him a cursory nod of recognition. Baxter always acknowledges security even though most of them indulge the rumour that he murdered his mother. Baxter knows that when you have a reputation as a man who pulls off impossible deals and bankrupts other business malicious gossip is always rife. He’s learnt to live with rumours, sometimes they even make him laugh, but most of the time Baxter just shrugs them off as inconsequential gossip. As for the rumour he murdered his mother – it’s one he quite enjoys. Baxter ignores the fanciful stares of two secretaries returning from lunch and hurries towards the exit, securing the buttons on his cashmere coat with one hand and stealing a glimpse at his Rolex on the other. Time

janeturley 1 November 2013 2 Comments