The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Lattes, Mottos and Coffee Shops

Question: what’s a motto? Alrighty, let’s first establish that a “motto” is not a new type of fancy coffee. Because if someone asked me would I like a motto I’d probably reply; “No, I’d prefer a latte, thank you.” You know, coffee shops confuse the hell out of me with all the different types of coffee and flavourings.They’re popping up everywhere. We even have a barista bar at one the fancier tennis clubs we go to now which is revolutionary; I’m used to taking my own flask of coffee or paying fifty pence for coffee that’s indistinguishable from liquid detergent. Anyway, at that particular barista bar, if I now ask for a coffee they look at me as if I’ve spoken a foreign language and I have to qualify my request: “Yes, a coffee. A normal one: coffee, water. In a cup. Hopefully, delivered in less time it takes to

janeturley 31 October 2013 2 Comments

A Modern Life: A Cover Story

I have some writing news. My novel, The Changing Room, has been edited, re-drafted and is finally under submission. I’m very pleased with my story and hope that readers, men as well as women, will find it entertaining as well as uplifting. That said, I know it will be difficult to find an agent or publisher that is prepared to endorse a novel with strong comic elements. To this extent, if I haven’t received any interest over the next couple of months I plan to self-publish in the new year. I believe, that given the opportunity, people would read more fiction with humour in it and, even though humour is subjective, I have yet to meet anyone who prefers crying to laughing. In the meantime, in December I’m publishing a collection of short stories called A Modern Life. Many of the stories have been trialled on my blog and elsewhere

janeturley 30 October 2013 4 Comments

Thicke and Thick; The Opinionated Me

Over the last few weeks I have become addicted to the song Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. I even dance (comically) to it. Consequently, my sons would like to fire me as their mother. Now just in case you live somewhere remote (or in some imaginary world of fairies and unicorns) and haven’t heard Blurred Lines here it is: Oh boy, that is what I call a groovy rhythm! I can shake my booty to that. Watch out Beyonce; Mrs T is wired and live. However, I do have something to say about the video which reminds me of the 1986 video of Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love. It’s AWFUL. ( I’m not even going to talk about the lyrics. Robin Thicke says they’re about his wife to whom he’s been married for twenty years, so let’s just accept he can say what he want on that issue.) Anyway, I

janeturley 23 October 2013 2 Comments

I like challenges!

I’ve revisited some old posts and rewritten them for the Readwave reading website as part of their weekly writing challenge competition. If you’re new to my blog and haven’t explored my old posts, here’s an opportunity to read a couple of my posts, re-vamped, re-edited but just as stupid as ever. If you click on the pictures it will take you the stories on Readwave. Don’t forget to share if you enjoy them. Thanks!

janeturley 22 October 2013 No Comments

An Emergency Post

I have an emergency, readers. Yesterday, I made a truly horrifying discovery that has left me reeling with fear and racked with anxiety. Why? I have discovered I have a grey pubic hair. I’m not sure whether this means my life is over or whether I need to get a Brazilian. Any words of advice or comfort on this matter will be gratefully received.

janeturley 20 October 2013 2 Comments

Am I Cynic? The Problem of Plumbers

*Warning* Do not read this post if you are a plumber, married to a plumber, related to a plumber in anyway and, possibly, if you once had an affair with a plumber. If, on the other-hand you have ever been overcharged by a plumber this post will probably appeal to you. ***** I think I’ve got more cynical as I’ve got older. I’m not sure if I actually like that trait in myself as it’s nice believing everyone you meet has the best intentions, that firms might act in your genuine interests and tradesmen will do a good job without ripping you off. Unfortunately, yesterday, I was in a cynical mood. It may

janeturley 8 October 2013 No Comments

Another Baking Disaster

Cooking is not my strong point, as many of you know. However, even I reeled when I opened my bread-making machine and saw this: The Cauliflower loaf – it will soon be all the rage in health food shops. Why ? Because it looks awful and tastes awful. Therefore, it must be good for you. I am not sure what I did wrong, readers – as I read the instructions on the packet very, very carefully. If anyone’s got any idea how I managed to mess up a packet bread mix then please let me know. (Just stick to the facts though – no need to dwell on competency issues.) Ps -I should add that the bread-making machine is one of Mr T’s “useful” gifts. I am still waiting for the ipad.

janeturley 7 October 2013 No Comments

My Top Ten Worst Companies for Customer Service in the UK

No 1. Coming in with unrivalled incompetence at No 1, the pole position for continuous spectacular incompetence over a decade of bad customer service, during which I have been reduced to tears and almost suffered a fatal coronary through stress is… British Telecom. This is the company that purports to be a communication provider but has as much idea what the word “communication” means as your average slug. In fact, a slug would probably arrive at its destination quicker then the average BT customer service assistant can understand the phrase “It is not working.” No 2. Sports retailer Sports Direct. The major difference between British Telecom and Sports Direct is that Sports Direct don’t actually engage in any communication at all. They don’t have a customer service telephone line, they don’t answer emails and basically don’t do anything at all. Unless you have paid for your purchase through a third

janeturley 6 October 2013 6 Comments

Feedback on My Handbag Experiment

Okay, so it’s time for feedback on my handbag experiment. If you remember from my post last week, Designer handbags are for women who are afraid they they can’t keep their man the experiment I’d planned was to take my best handbag to my book club and see how my lady friends reacted. Would my handbag impress them so much that they’d be able keep their smutty hands off the gorgeous Mr T? Here’s the kind of reactions I was hoping to analyse: Would any of them pull out their little black books and delete Mr T’s phone number? Would any of them turn bitchy and make snide remarks about my bigger than average bottom? Would they take it in turns to knock against my chair and manoeuvre me out into conservatory to sit alone whilst they discussed Mr T’s sexual prowess and I was salivated upon by an overly friendly

janeturley 18 September 2013 No Comments

Me and My Laundry Pile – A Short and Sorry Tale of Ironing Incompetence.

Oh. Dear. God. I am in serious trouble, Readers. My ironing pile has spiralled out of control. (I’m not even mentioning the dirty washing pile.) I have no idea where to start. I look in the utility room and I just want to die. Or at least get therapy. I’m not sure if I can afford the therapy but I’m pretty sure that Mr T will wring my neck when he opens his wardrobe tomorrow morning and finds there isn’t shirt. I hate ironing. How do some people run ironing businesses? I would rather swim naked in a large pool of sewerage than iron for a living. I was not destined to be a housewife. I was destined to be something else. Maybe a taxidermist. At least then I’d have somewhere to stuff my laundry out of sight. Help.

janeturley 16 September 2013 10 Comments

Designer handbags are for women who are afraid they can’t keep their man. Apparently.

This morning I read an article in The Daily Mail (yes, I’ve caved in and started reading some of that tripe again as it makes me feel intellectually superior ) which reported on an article in The Journal of Consumer Research. Apparently, the report claims that a woman’s choice of handbag is a method she uses to tell other women to back off from her man and how much a woman spends on accessories is a sign of how much she feels threatened by the competition. So my handbag choice, which is usually on the large side, has nothing to do with the fact that I like to carry a lot of stuff? You know – like spare knickers, epipens, shop receipts from 1982, several varieties of painkillers and indigestion tablets (essential for any woman approaching/in the menopause), eye drops, reading glasses, sunglasses, more reading glasses (I like to be

janeturley 12 September 2013 5 Comments

Yes, I am still alive! (Tales from the Summer Holidays)

Maybe you’ re wondering if I’m still alive? Maybe you’re not. If not, why not? Come on, folks, I hope at least one person has missed little ‘ol Mrs T! Now just to prove I’m alive (even if only to myself) I am going to wriggle my toes. Okay they’re all wriggling. Apart from the one I broke. Yes, I’ve broken another toe. Thanks to a combination of Master Benedict’s strategically placed trainers and a heavy glass pot. It was a painful experience indeed which, as you might expect, resulted in some profuse swearing but also the creation of some new art on the hall wall where the soles of Master Ben’s shoes impacted. You see -I have a talent for creativity – even under the most arduous of circumstances. You know, folks, not one of the males in the household came to my assistance when I screamed out as

janeturley 10 September 2013 No Comments