The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

My top ten tips for Writers (sort of)

Okay, Readers, you’ll just have to bear with me whilst I write this post as I know most of you don’t come here to listen to me talk about writing. However, it’s come to my attention that at some point almost every writer likes to impress with their top tips for writers. Almost inevitably, these are a variation of the same stuff which makes it exceedingly dull – especially as it seems like everyone who’s ever written anything at all – from a childhood essay which won third prize in the under thirteen “My Summer Holiday” category to retired pensioners who previously have only written exclusions clauses in their will -are all now writers. Writing is the new big thing: it’s almost as exciting as wearing a onesie. So accordingly, as an (almost) writer I’d like to give my own take on the top tips for writers. I think that’s only fair. So here we go: 1. Most writers

janeturley 9 May 2013 10 Comments

Gifts for Mother’s Day Under Twenty Five Dollars

Okay, so I got this email in my inbox inviting me to contribute to a competition hosted by Nerdwallet for ideas for a gift for Mother’s Day for $25.00 or less. This is not something I normally do but I thought what the heck I might as well give it a shot. My ideas don’t fall into any of the judged categories. But who cares? I don’t. I’ve got three sons. I’ve got my enough problems without worrying about judging categories. Obviously, my first thought was to ask my mother: she’d be sure to know for sure. Unfortunately, then I remembered she was dead. So, screwed at the first hurdle, I’d knew I’d have to come up with some original ideas of my own. Firstly, as I’m British and this is an American competition I had to convert the $25.00 gift scenario to pounds: it’s £16.08. My initial response to

janeturley 7 May 2013 12 Comments

Who gives a monkey arse about Twitter when there’s Pinterest!

Ohhhhhh what shall I pin to Pinterest today? *Dances joyfully around room* Okay, okay, okay, I admit it. I have way too much time on my hands lately. Master Ben has been off school for three consecutive days. Master Jacob was off school for three days the week before – I am going quietly insane. Okay maybe not that quietly. I just need some quiet time. Alone. I want to do that artistic author thing – contemplate major philosophical ideas, be reflective and pose artistically at my desk without any interruption from children wallowing in self pity that they’re ill and bored. I mean: three days off school? I would have been leaping for joy when I was their age if I was off school for that amount of time. Unless I was so ill I couldn’t walk, couldn’t see and had dysentery I was at school every single sodding day. All my boys have had

janeturley 2 May 2013 No Comments

Addicted to Pinterest

Okay, so I decided I have to branch out with this social networking thing in order that one day it might help with the promotion of my novel. I am still wary about Twitter. But… I have discovered Pinterest. And I am hooked. There is nothing I like better than writing silly captions for pictures. Apart from writing silly stories. Anyway, I will be back soon with tales from the gym as soon as I’ve posted some more pictures. I think that means that I probably won’t be doing any housework today. Again. You can find me on Pinterest HERE. Join me if you’re on it!

janeturley 1 May 2013 No Comments

On the whole, writers talking about writing sucks

Yes, I know I wrote a post about my writing yesterday. But to be fair, Readers, I don’t write about writing that much and I wanted to keep you in the loop. In fact, I’ve hardly written about writing at all when you consider I’ve been blogging since 2007. Mainly, I just write about random stuff like ducks, cupcakes and anything that else that happens to cross my mind. Anyway, I decided it was about time I investigated social networking and linking with writers etc etc etc. I discovered lots of groups and websites for writers on the net. Great, I thought. Only then I discovered lots of them have rules. Yes, rules. I hate rules. Now I like meaningful societal rules like Thou Shalt Not Kill and Thou Shalt Not Put Potato Peelings in the Recycling Bin but generally I’m not good with other kind of rules. Especially rules enforced by by the I Know

janeturley 23 April 2013 6 Comments

Where Am I At?

So it’s seven weeks today that I finished the first draft to my novel. I’ve been trying to hold back from editing as long as possible in order that I can get the best perspective on it but I am not sure that I can hold out much longer. In the meantime, I’ve made some preparations: 1. I’ve studied all the literary agents. That was pretty disheartening as there’s no one really looking for comedy, other than the coffee-table Christmas book type. I get the impression that subtle humour – the type that could pass unnoticed without detriment if you didn’t get the joke – is about as much as will be tolerated.This has really confirmed an idea that was growing whilst I was writing my novel that it might actually work better as a screenplay as it has very visual aspects to it. That’s something to think about in the long term. So

janeturley 22 April 2013 5 Comments

The Birds are out to get me

Birds. I’ve had enough of them. Yesterday, I reported on some errant ducks and now this morning just as I was sleeping heavily the chickens started clucking and crowing at 5.45am. I staggered out of bed, precariously negotiated the stairs, filled up a bowl of grain, a tub of fresh water and stomped out into the garden cursing my chickens and wondering what would be the chances of passing off six dead chickens to Master Ben as a mild case of Bird Flu which didn’t need reporting to the Health Authorities. So I was grumpy after my interrupted sleep and annoyed with myself that I’d arranged an 8.20 am dentists appointment for the boys. I’m not sure why I do these things to myself – I should be like most other mothers and just take them out of school at a more acceptable time. Perhaps after I’ve had my elevenses and I’ve woken up. I

janeturley 18 April 2013 No Comments

Me and the errant ducks

Yesterday I went swimming while my boys were playing tennis. The indoor pool was full of children and parents with babies so I decide to brave the cold and sprint to the outdoor pool. (When I say “sprint” I actually mean “fast waddle” but since I’m on a diet hopefully it will be less of a waddle in due course.) Anyway, it was no surprise as it was freezing outside that the pool was empty except for two ducks: I think they got confused trying to find their way to a nearby lake and decided to check in at the sports centre for refreshments. Now I rather like swimming by myself in the pool which is where I ponder the meaning of life and other vitally important issue like the cost of chocolate, whether there’s a two for one on offer on the Slimfast bars and whether or not the Looney Left will actually

janeturley 17 April 2013 2 Comments

Disgusted with the Daily Mail

I don’t think I have ever been more disgusted with The Daily Mail. Yesterday, three people, including a child, lost their lives due to bombs exploding during the Boston Marathon. Today, above their main news headline about this tragic event they are running a moving banner that reads “Breaking News…Attack on The White House” It is part of an advert for the film Olympus Has Fallen. If you happen to focus on that moving banner as I did when I first opened the Daily Mail website it looks very much like another awful tragedy has occurred. I really think this sort of mindless, insensitive and aggressive marketing is totally unacceptable. Factor in the ridiculous articles by self promoting female journalists in their Femail section willing to sell their souls and their families for cash, the bigoted writing of the likes of Richard Littlejohn and Jan Moir and the general twisted reporting and homage to celebrity culture

janeturley 16 April 2013 2 Comments

Thoughts on the other Mrs T, Mrs Thatcher

Yesterday the news broke that Mrs Thatcher, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from May 1979 to November 1990 had died from a stroke. Her death unleashed some unpleasant vitriol: students celebrated on the streets, offensive remarks delighting in her death were posted on Facebook, left-wing politicians queued up to slate her, an e-petition was started to prevent her from having a state funeral. Subsequently, I have thought back over the life of Mrs Thatcher,who was in power for most of the years when I was forming my own political opinions, and I’ve wondered if she deserves the vitriol or whether, in fact, she deserves the accolades that those with more respect for her passing have shown. Was she truly a”great” leader and, if so, what are the qualities that distinguish a “great” leader from any other leader? What sets her apart from any other British twentieth century peace-time politician to the extent that she warrants an

janeturley 9 April 2013 2 Comments

More annoying emails and some soothing music

I just got another email from the author I referred to in my last post. How very, very annoying. How many times is he going to e-bomb me? I’ve press “send” on the draft email in my last post. I’m sorry but he deserved it. I can just about overlook one hideous self promotional email but two? I’m afraid not. I had to send my reply: it was my duty for my Queen and country and for all hard-working, honest writers and bloggers the world over who don’t do that kind of annoying bullshit. Sorry. Ugh, the youth of today – what it must be like to have so much confidence in your abilities that you’d happily spam a whole load of strangers to promote yourself. I wish there was an X Factor for authors. I’d love to see this guy on it. I can just see him on his knees before Simon Cowell pleading to

janeturley 7 April 2013 No Comments

A Letter to a Young American

This morning I received an an email from a young American requesting help with publicity for his forthcoming novel. I’ve copied it below with a few pertinent details changed. Below is my reply. I haven’t pressed “send” yet. What do you readers think? Should I send it to him? Oh before you start reading, I’d just like to say first to my American readers and friends: please remember I have a sense of humour and note that I was bored when the email arrived in my inbox at 7 am this morning. I’m afraid it’s never a good idea to email me at that time of the day. And I love you. Okay? Right, here we go: Heyyyy Jane, Through a series of links, I just came upon your blog, and I have an idea. My new book, (Deleted title) is coming out on April 22nd. It is the narrative of my one year trip around the world. I

janeturley 5 April 2013 6 Comments