The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Into the Final Furlong with Kevin Bacon

I have just killed off a character in my book. I think this means that I am into the final furlong of my novel. Originally, I planned to kill off three characters and a family dog. However, I quickly decided the family dog getting run over was just gratuitous sentimentality. You see, I don’t want my novel to be compared to a Kathy Reichs one. I once read one of her novels which started off with a jumbo jet crashing and the first thought that sprang into my mind was “Hey, ho this serial killer is pretty ambitious!” I then immediately checked the room for blow flies. And moths. And I kept a body count for the rest of the book: I think it ended up being abut 9,753, 467. Talking of body counts, the other evening I watched the first episode of The Following, starring Kevin Bacon. It was fairly gruesome stuff: I had to

janeturley 3 February 2013 No Comments

Back to Basics

For those of you who have been over here in the last week or so you may have noticed that I have stripped my blog back to basics. I’ve never really found a background that I felt suited this blog or my personality so I’m hoping to have a customized one designed for me or failing that I will have to sharpen up my crayons and do it myself. Now I do have an an A level in Art and consider myself somewhat arty-farty but the truth is I’ve seen enough people with genuine artistic talent to know that when it comes to art I am still at this stage: Woman on Grass (take that anyway you want) by J A Turley. I know some of you kind hearted folks out there will be saying it’s a work of magnitude and should be exhibited at The Tate Modern with all

janeturley 31 January 2013 4 Comments

How long did you take to plan your wedding?

Oh cripes. Oh cripes. Oh cripes. Oh cripes. I just read about a woman who planned her wedding day for TEN WHOLE years – even though she hadn’t even met her husband to be. Is that normal??? Answers on a postcard please – but if you want to write a thesis go ahead. You could get a doctorate out of it. I know I could. I reckon I could turn that idea into a novel. Yeah, imagine that. It would probably be a psycho-thriller of course. Although it could also be erotica – only instead of the heroine making out with a Christian Grey type of character she self-flagellates with copies of Brides Weekly or Good Housekeeping. What d’you reckon? You know, I was feeling kind of low today. A bit bored, a bit depressed. Perhaps even on the edge of tucking into a forbidden chocolate bar. Now I know what to do to

janeturley 29 January 2013 2 Comments

The Importance of Being Earnest

As readers come and go and I have five years of writing to wade though I thought today I would post links to three of my most consistently popular blogs. Funny posts come and go in their popularity but the three I’m posting today have been three of the most consistently read since they were first published. Ironically, they are not in the slightest funny and I think that’s no bad thing. I do believe looking at the lighter side of life is good for one’s morale but there’s also a time and a place for serious reflection. So here are my top three serious posts. In 2009 I conducted an interview with author and journalist, Paul Brown, about climate change and his book Global Warning Last Chance for Change. Since then a steady stream of people have to come to read Paul’s interview from all across the globe. However, in the last year

janeturley 28 January 2013 No Comments

I had a curious dream

I had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt I met Ricky Gervais who asked me to audition for a role in his new movie as… Santa Claus. (This could be quite a disturbing post. Be warned.) So in preparation for my audition I asked the good Mr T to listen to me rehearse my speech in the deep bellowing voice like all Santa’s should have. Sadly, Mr T was uber critical of my abilities so I stormed off in a huff to practise my song and dance routine. Yes, I was going to star in a Ricky Gervais film as an all-singing, all-dancing Santa Claus. You know, I’d always dreamt of starring in a Lara Croft type movie but what do I end up with? A singing bloody Santa. Life (and dreams) are so unfair aren’t they? Anyway, no matter how hard I tried, I could not remember the lyrics to the tune I was supposed to be singing. I was like an

janeturley 25 January 2013 2 Comments

Who would you like to send into space?

So a question for you, Dear Readers. Who would you like to send into space? And please don’t say me. Because I care about you deeply and would be wounded beyond reason. And I also have a very, very long memory. So long as it doesn’t involve car keys, shopping lists or my glasses. Anyway, I’ve come up with my top twelve people I’d like to send into space. Here we go: 1) Jocelyn Wildestein aka The Bride of Wildenstein. From a scientific standpoint, I think it would be interesting to know how a lack of gravity affects plastic surgery. Also, I’d like to know what happens to breast implants when a spaceships falls back to earth and bursts through our atmosphere. 2) Paul McCartney. I’m intrigued to see if space could make him sing any higher. I’m not convinced it’s possible but I’ll go with the experiment just so Stella McCartney can design some hideous spacesuit. 3)

janeturley 24 January 2013 3 Comments

A Book Recommendation: Me Before You

I want to recommend a book to you. It’s this one: Women’s mass market fiction with something to say. At last. Out of necessity, this review contains some spoilers but I’m not going to reveal the ending so if you decide to read Me Before You there will still be something to discover. Lou Clark is young woman who works in cafe and has never stretched her horizons. When she loses her job she soon meets handsome and witty Will Traynor, a wealthy businessman with a sharp tongue and arrogant attitude. Love blossoms. Doesn’t sound much different from any other mass market romance fiction does it? But it is. The difference is that the hero, Will, doesn’t have all the characteristics of a normal male protagonist. Unlike the usual impressive able bodied heroes of romance fiction Will has been severely injured in a motorcycle accident. Lou Clark is the carer who comes to

janeturley 20 January 2013 4 Comments

Let’s make that eleven words and phrases

I’m having a sleepless night. So I decided to whizz around the net and look at the headlines. Firstly, I went to The Mail because it’s a light read and at 3 am as super intelligent as I am (that’s irony by the way) my brain is not up to reading Dostoevsky. Big mistake – Demi Moore is back in the headlines. What is it with The Mail and their obsession with Demi Moore? Anyway, apparently Demi has an age-defying body and wears a bikini. Big deal. I have age-defying sense of humour (it’s still childish) and wear thermals. I think I’ll make whole article out of it for my blog and stick in twenty pictures of me in my PJs taken from every conceivable angle. I mean you all want to see my arse in flannelette PJs taken with a long distance lens from the top of a coconut tree don’t you? Yeah, so I lowered myself to reading the article

janeturley 17 January 2013 No Comments

Me and My Moustache: Another Embarrassing Story

Yes, this is another of my true-life embarrassing stories. I know there have already been plenty of other humiliating incidents like the lost car, the tights falling down and being caught short and dropping my knickers on the railway track… but these moments still keep on happening. It’s probably a curse. Perhaps someone, somewhere, has cursed me. In fact I’m now so worried about the possibility of a curse I’m beginning to think Tom Cruise is getting me back for all those tasteless jokes I’ve made about him. They were only small, almost unnoticeable, jokes – that’s why I thought he wouldn’t really mind. But now I’m not so sure. What if Tom really is some bad-ass tough guy like Jack Reacher? Okay..maybe not. It’s probably just bad luck: I’ve just remembered the laws of probability. So anyway…before Christmas Master Ben was in dire need of a haircut. I wasn’t going to put up with anymore

janeturley 15 January 2013 2 Comments

Ten words and phrases that really annoy me

1. “Transparent” Transparent has become increasingly popular over the last few years as one of a range of politically correct words. People who use transparent are usually politicians, business execs who have just been on management courses, members of the Human Resources Dept and civil servants specialising in policy and population control. A typical line from one of these people will read “We need to move forward with clarity, vision and transparency.” You can pretty much guarantee that anyone who uses the word transparent is a total bullshitter. 2. “Human Resources” Formerly known as the Personnel Department. This is the department which used to deal with people but now deals with the mammal species known as homosapien. Human Resources sounds a lot more efficient but as anyone who has ever worked closely with a HR department will know – it doesn’t reduce the length of their tea breaks. 2. “We will have a referendum after the next election” This is

janeturley 14 January 2013 7 Comments

Ten succint reviews of DVDs I watched over Christmas

1. The Expendables 2 (Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Van Damm, Norris et al.) Not as good as No 1 but worth watching just so you can spend an hour afterwards plastering eye-liner on your own features trying to figure out what the hell Sly has done to his face. Some acceptable gratuitous violence suitable for Friday night viewing after a bottle of cheap plonk when you no longer care care if there’s a hole in the plot so big you land a jumbo jet in it. Not enough of Bruce Willis who despite the hair loss is the only older action hero in the film who remotely resembles himself. 2. Sherlock Holmes, Game of Shadows (Robert Downey Junior, Jude Law) Unacceptably dull. However this was primarily because the disc wouldn’t load. 3. Tower Heist (Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller.) Two great comedy talents but one dull script equates to a very average film. Disappointing. 4. Rampart (Woody Harrelson) Very slow start creating little empathy or

janeturley 13 January 2013 2 Comments

Justin Bieber beat up his bodyguard? Seriously?

Apparently, Justin Bieber beat up his bodyguard and the bodyguard is now suing Justin for compensation. I haven’t laughed so much since that episode of The Family Guy when Stewie and Brian get locked in a bank vault and Stewie persuades Brian to eat the contents of his nappy. Absolute genius. So Justin beat up his bodyguard. Yeah, right. I can just see Justin, his hair flopping up and down and flapping his wrists like an overwrought primadonna and yet somehow managing to beat up a muscular bodyguard who probably trains at the gym and eats cockroaches for breakfast. I mean that’s totally feasible isn’t it? Now if someone had said Justin had persecuted the bodyguard with hours of high pitch singing I could have quite understood a claim for tinnitus and mental distress. But a claim of being beaten up? No man in his right mind would admit to being beaten up by Justin Bieber. Hmm… I strongly suspect there’s a

janeturley 11 January 2013 2 Comments