The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

In Defence of Thomas

Forget Thomas Hardy. Forget Dylan Thomas. Let’s talk about the Thomas who has made more impact than any of his namesakes. Let’s talk about Thomas the Tank Engine. I want to make one thing clear first. Nothing would make me happier than taking a flame thrower to Thomas or blowing him up with a stick of dynamite. You see, as the mother of three sons, over the last 18 years I’ve read every Thomas book and watched every spin-off video. I’ve even sat through that awful film starring Alec Baldwin which was like having pins stuck through my head. I’ve also trudged through countless engine sheds and had my bones shaken till I’m on the edge of a breakdown whilst enduring “fun” steam rides. In addition, I hold Thomas personally responsible for the time when pregnant with No 3 the miniature steam engine I was sitting on derailed. If that imagery isn’t enough to make you queasy, let me tell

janeturley 13 November 2012 No Comments

You Are Kidding Me? Some Women Wear Onesies?

Earlier in the year I talked about an item of clothing that has now grown so huge in popularity it is featuring on the news, radio and in the national newspapers. It’s called the Onesie. It’s basically like a baby’s sleep suit – only for adults. If you remember, I personally designed one for Tom Cruise back here. (Age 13- 14 obviously.) Just in case you forgotten this is what it looked liked: As you can see, I made a lot of effort. Sadly, this morning when I did my early morning peruse of the papers I saw a GROWN WOMAN wearing one of these here. Unfortunately, the photographer took the picture of her also clutching a large teddy bear -so not only does she now look ridiculously stupid but also mentally unstable. Now, I have to say, I am not convinced that any woman in her late forties and

janeturley 9 November 2012 2 Comments

Seriously???

I just rang the school transport service for a replacement bus pass for Master Jacob. Brrring Brrring, Brrring, Brrring Receptionist: Hello, School Transport Service Mrs T: Good morning, I need a replacement school bus pass for my son. Receptionist: Is he of school age? Mrs T (in her head) No, he’s a F***** pensioner. Mrs T (out loud) Yes. I now know why I can’t get a job – I am too clever.

janeturley 8 November 2012 No Comments

Skyfalling to a Stop

Yesterday we went as a family to see the latest Bond movie, Skyfall. I don’t want to give any spoilers so I’ll just say it was far superior to the last Bond movie which had kind of lost the plot. Well I lost the plot of it anyhow and I couldn’t be bothered to revisit it either as I have done most of the Bond movies over the years. So anyway, after all the trauma and excitement of a big Bond climax I had to go where all ladies have to go after two hours and twenty minutes with Mr Bond – the lavatory. So I rushed off to the Ladies, pulled open the big red entrance door with a queue of ladies behind me and started tugging at the next door that comes into my vision. I tug… I pull… I try to wrench the door off it’s hinges with

janeturley 5 November 2012 2 Comments

Breaking News

As occasionally happens I must interrupt the inactivity on this blog to report ground breaking news; I have just used a magnifying glass to read the baking instructions on a packet of bread mix. Shit.

janeturley 4 November 2012 4 Comments

Sandy and Stormy Weather

We Brits are always moaning about our weather. We can make a moan about the weather last an entire afternoon. Sometimes we can make it last all winter, especially if there’s more than one inch of snow. Yes, if there’s more than one inch of snow the entire country grinds to a halt, especially the transport system which can’t even cope if a leaf blows on the track. Believe me, Readers, if you’re ever suffering from depression in the UK you do not want to go and visit your relatives using public transport because it will finish you off and you’ll be underneath the wheels of a high speed train before you know it. Have you ever stood around at a British train station and noticed that everyone looks like their mother’s died, they lost out on a pay rise and they just discovered they’ve got alopecia? Well if you have – it’s because the network

janeturley 29 October 2012 No Comments

When the Scent of Fame is Rotten

I was aghast to read last week that Lady Gaga’s perfume, Fame, sold six million bottles in its first week. Six million. That’s more bottles than the entire population of Denmark! 100 ml bottle of Fame Eau de Parfum is approx £55.00 I must be getting very old and cynical (and possibly a skinflint) because I cannot imagine why on earth anyone would want to buy a perfume by Lady Gaga who, in all likelihood, knows absolutely nothing about the art of perfumery. Now I might be doing her an injustice and perhaps she has played a part in the development of this product to a greater or lesser degree (Notice that diplomacy, Readers, I am really trying really hard to write balanced, politically correct articles these days) but she’s a singer, not a professional perfumier. It wouldn’t be unfair to assume that her sole input was assigning her name to a product that the manufacturers, Coty, believe will be profitable for both her and

janeturley 27 October 2012 2 Comments

A Blogging History

Tomorrow I am giving a second blogging workshop at Luton Central Library on behalf of The View From Here. As I am actually being employed to do this I feel I should not be making jokes at my own expense or about my competency hence this will be a semi-serious post. After nearly five years blogging I hope I’ve leant a thing or two to impart to beginners. I now know, for example, that “spam” isn’t just processed pork, “tags” aren’t just the labels which I leave sticking out of the back of my cardigan and “cyber sex” isn’t just something robots get up to. So, I’ve been blogging since December 2007 which is, frankly, amazing. I only wish I could apply the same stamina to the two hundred and sixty three diets I’ve been on in the same time. Unfortunately though, I’m still rivalling Jennifer Lopez for the biggest backside in the Western Hemisphere.

janeturley 17 October 2012 8 Comments

A Sad Day

Today has been a sad day. It’s the fourth anniversary of my mother’s sudden death and instead of my usual planned distractions I found myself nursing one of Master Ben’s chickens who had got herself into trouble in the garden. Unfortunately, the shock and exhaustion must have been too great and despite my ministrations as the day turned to night Bette Davis slipped away. It kind of felt like history repeating itself. Only with a chicken. They say time is a great healer but maybe not just yet. Bette Davis on the left, Miss Muffet on the right. She was a beauty.

janeturley 15 October 2012 4 Comments

Who is the hottest man on the planet?

I have just spilt my luke-warm blackcurrant juice down my top and in between my boobs. Yuck. It was a bit of a shock to the system. You see, I was thinking so hard I completely missed my mouth – which is quite difficult being as it’s so big. Anyway, I did this as I was just editing a paragraph of my novel where my main protagonist is fantisizing. (No surprises there then.) Naturally, this included fantasizing about men and I was wondering about who is actually the hottest man on the planet. Obviously, the name that springs to mind is George Clooney because ladies of a certain age ( 47 to be precise) consider the overall package ( humour, intelligence, wallet, looks) whereas younger ladies might consider just biceps, wallet and whether or not the gentleman concerned plays for Manchester United. Gorgeous George. (Picture courtesy of Wikipedia) Is he still the hottest? Or has Sylvester Stallone’s steroid implants saved

janeturley 12 October 2012 No Comments

Up Yours, Brussels (or Keep Your Hands off My Jars, Please)

Keep your hands off our jars, Mr Brussels, We will do with them whatever we please We will fill them with strawberries Or lush green peas But we will do with them whatever we darn well please Keep your hands of our jam, Mr EU We will do with it whatever we want We will sell it from wheelchairs Or village school fairs But we will do with it whatever we darn well please Keep your hand off our traditions, Mr Bossy We will do with them whatever we please We don’t need your guidance Or your ridiculous licence And we will do whatever we darn well please Keep out of our affairs, Mr Despot We will act however we want We will make jam for our teas And our sweet pastries AND WE WILL DO WHATEVER WE DARN WELL PLEASE Keep away from our isles, Mr Dictator We will

janeturley 9 October 2012 No Comments

A Review – In the style of a Daily Mail Femail Feature Writer

When my husband and I first married we used to read a lot. Rory liked hardbacks and I liked trilogies. We both adored hardback trilogies though, especially the fantasy stories with gold, embossed covers. Sometimes we would luxuriously trace our fingers over them, losing ourselves in the scent of the pages and imaginative descriptions. Often I would be transported to another dimension and enjoyed myself so much I would weep, even beg Rory not to stop and turn the lights out so I could read another chapter. I should have known back then, when he began to turn the lights off progressively earlier, that he was losing interest in out hardback trilogies and was secretly reading other books under the covers. It was after our first child, when I discovered a passion for Thomas the Tank Engine, that I knew for certain; Rory was hiding books. And magazines. Sometimes I

janeturley 8 October 2012 4 Comments