2500 x 500

The often dubious, politically incorrect and mainly humorous musings of Ms Jane Turley, (Ex) Housewife Extraordinaire.

#AtoZChallenge 2025

Getting down in the Groove

I am at a crucial stage on my book writing a chapter which involves a bit of a sing-a-long with a choir and some very strange behaviour. (It’s a comedy remember.) In order to put myself into the mood for this I went onto You Tube to refresh myself with the tune I wanted my choir to sing. I found what I was looking for but I also found the video below…which had me laughing my socks off. Stick with it as it gets worse (or better!) as it goes along. I thank the senior citizens in this video for their enthusiasm  and giving me some added inspiration!

Read More »

Writing Again

Yesterday, my writing therapy consisting of working on my novel which was a quiet relief. It was good to get going again as I’d been about three quarters through a chapter when I’d come to a standstill a few weeks ago. Aside from the school holidays and being stressed out from our present circumstances,  I’d also set myself up for a large scale comedy finale but then decided against it because I’d already written it before on a smaller scale in the book and decided I probably couldn’t do it as well or better on the bigger scale. So without abandoning the whole chapter, which  introduced some interesting characters in my main protagonist life, I had to think up something else to bring the chapter to a swift conclusion, especially as by now I was completely bored stiff with it. Naturally, I couldn’t think of anything remotely sensible. In the end I decided the best thing to do

Read More »

Silly Voices, Stray Cats and yet more about Bikes

Yesterday I made first mention of Mr Spectre, my new cat. Mr Spectre is not like ordinary cats. (Not that  I’ve been lucky enough to have that many “ordinary” cats – most of them have had deep seated personality disorders.) However, Mr Spectre is perhaps more disturbed than most cats because he lived on the street for nearly three years. Basically, he’s emotionally damaged. Well that’s what a US pet psychiatrist would say after charging you fifty bucks.That’s opposed to a UK pet psychiatrist who would say;  “And what is Mr Spectre’s postcode? SW 19? Right that’s fift…a hundred pounds. Now about long term treatment for his personality disorder…. “ However, since Mr T was made redundant I’ve had to economize so I’ve worked out Mr Spectre’s problems myself. I’ve watched him defecate in the hallway, in the bathroom and on the upstairs rug. I’ve watched him eat a croissant and a blueberry smoothie and chase his tail around and around in circles. He stalks Mr

Read More »

There’s a new mummy in town

Knock, knock. I hop downstairs trying to avoid the new stray cat, Mr Spectre, who has taken up residence on the staircase. I open the front door. It’s the postman, Graham. “Morning; it’s a lovely sunny day,” says Graham, handing over a parcel. “Are you going for your walk today?” ” I might do.” ” Well it would be a pity to miss the sunshine” “You’re right,” I say, looking past Graham at the clear blue sky. “It’s beautiful.” “Have you heard that an Egyptian Archaeologist has discovered a new mummy?” “Really?” I reply, my curiosity piqued. “Yes,” nods Graham wisely. “Apparently, it was found covered in nuts and chocolate and is called Ferrero Rocher.” Now that’s why I like living in a village. Someone’s always got a smile. Ferrero Rocher Swiss chocolates -Even Roger Federer eats them. Now that’s class. Andy Murray eats haggis – which may not be class but it puts fire in your belly and wind in your

Read More »

A Spicy Chinese Takeaway

I can always find something to make me laugh. Yesterday, it was the discovery of an automatic sperm extractor which is apparently being used in fertility clinics in Chinese hospitals to help those poor folks who can’t get it up at the required moment. What has the world come to when a man can’t get it up without the use of a modified vacuum cleaner? I despair, I really do. I have to thank the Daily Mail for publishing the original article. It might not be the paper it was but their sense of investigative journalism is really quite unique. All I need to know now is when one of these machines is installed in The White House and we will have a major international crisis and a journalistic scoop bigger than Kate’s breasts and certainly bigger than Harry’s assets. I look forward to reading all about it in due course.

Read More »

Daily Thoughts and Writing Therapy

I got up yesterday morning and thought I’d start catch up on some of my blog buddies. I’ve been sadly neglectful of late as I’ve been very busy and quite stressed. Yes, even the good natured Mrs T gets stressed – mainly I get stressed about education and bad drivers but I also about A LOT of other things, including poaching eggs. Hmm…if I’m getting stressed about poaching eggs I probably ought to be on tranquillisers. However, writing a couple of blogs and reading some blog posts has chilled me out a bit. But it was only when Georgie over at Cedar Falls was discussing writing as therapy I realised that instead of writing less, as I have been doing lately, I should actually be writing more – as writing is my number one therapy. Later, I nipped over to Book Calender’s blog Daily Thoughts for a catch up. Sometimes Book Calender

Read More »

Exploding Eggs

I have been trying to master the art of poaching eggs these last couple of months and I am failing miserably. This morning I decided to increase my chances of producing something edible for Mr T’s breakfast and decided to poach 3 eggs in the saucepan in some silicon holders (my latest purchase having failed just using the pan and various spoons) and, at the same time, poach two eggs in the microwave. This was the result: Disaster! Those egg holders cost me £4.99. What a rip off – you need a degree in  boating to make them stay afloat.  I have now used them about four times and I cannot produce anything that doesn’t look like insipid breast milk. This was the best shot; you should have seen the ceiling of the microwave.  Notice how the force of the explosion has overturned the egg holder. Hmm …I wonder if that’s where Barnes

Read More »

Aliens and Hot Tubs.

Apparently, actress Shirley MacLaine is eager to share her knowledge of aliens with Hilary Clinton. Shirley has seen a lot of aliens and on one occasion one of her friends actually saw three alien spaceships hovering over Shirley’s outdoor hot tub. Also, according to Shirley, Ronald Reagan confided in her that on the way to a Hollywood Party he and Nancy were stopped by an alien space ship and an extraterrestrial being emerged and told Ronald to change careers and take up politics. Random Thoughts: 1) I suspect Ronald Reagan was actually on his way back from the Hollywood party. 2) Nancy looked a bit alien at the best of times. After a bottle of champers and seven Martinis Ronald probably got a bit confused. 3) Lots of people see strange lights over their hot tubs. I have even see strange lights over my indoor bath. It has nothing to do with aliens and has a

Read More »

Bring on the Ear Muffs: The US Open and a Case of the Squeals

I watched the American Open yesterday. Victoria Azarenka was playing Samantha Stosur in what would have been a quarter final thriller had I not had to put up with all that high pitched squealing from Azarenka. She sounded like a wild boar who’d just snorted a tonne of coke and was indulging in an orgasmic orgy with a sow. By the end of the match I’d plugged my ears with cotton wool, put on my winter woolly hat and stuck my red Christmas earmuffs with the reindeer horns on my head. I may have looked silly but at least I didn’t sound as silly as Azarenka. When it got to the third set tiebreak I was on my knees begging Samantha Stosur to just stop the game and say: Would you mind stopping squealing like a wild boar who’s just snorted a tonne of coke and is indulging in an orgasmic orgy with a sow because I just can’t concentrate! Anyway, Samantha

Read More »

At last, common sense prevails. (My annual educational rant.)

August is the month of GSCE and A Level results in the UK.  This year, for the first time since GSCEs were introduced in 1988, there has been a fall in the amount of A*- C grades awarded. It is only an overall decline of 0.4%, however, in English the corresponding pass marks have dropped from 78.4% to 76.3%. As a consequence, there has been an outcry from many teachers, parents and governors. Some parents have been incensed that their children’s papers might have been marked too harshly. Presumably, some have been appalled that their children might even have been deducted points for bad spelling and punctuation. This almost seems fair as we’ve all been subliminally indoctrinated that grammar is no longer important and what really matters is the effort, the thought behind the writing. You see, it’s now all about the content. Yes, on occasions it might be easier to read kid’s school work in Braille but what does

Read More »

Just Waffle, Kim Kardigan and Random Musings

Waffles probably are more interesting, especially with butter and syrup, but since I don’t have any it’ll have to be just waffle. Yep, it’s one of those posts where I just have random musings. I did something truly horrendous, painful even, early this morning. I actually clicked on an article on the Daily Mail about Kim Kardigan. I have successfully managed to avoid doing this for about two years but I’ve still managed to discover who Kim Cardigans is because she is mentioned just about everywhere. I think Kim does stuff in the US on telly, I don’t think any of it is noteworthy but feel to correct me if I am wrong. I think it’s the type of  reality TV where, if British reality shows are anything to go by, the women wear skimpy clothes and have fake breasts and generally want a career as a porn star and the men are usually failed body

Read More »

Are you feeling glum?

So now the Olympics have finished you might be feeling a little glum. A bit depressed even – especially if you can’t fit into a leotard without the use of a crowbar or lift a beer can to your mouth without taking a pep pill. I have a remedy for this. Read this story and look at the accompanying pictures. If this story does not make you laugh you need a humour transplant. It’s about an elderly woman who chose to “restore” a fresco entitled Ecce Homo (Behold the Man) by Elias Garcia Martinez in the Sanctuary of Mercy Church, near Zaragoza in Spain. Unfortunately, her restoration has made Jesus Christ look like he’s suffering an agony worse than the crucifixion as well as suffering from acute constipation. I haven’t worked out why he wearing the Eskimo headress.  My comment on this story is; I cannot wait till I’m eighty and I can get away with that kind of stuff. I’d try

Read More »