The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

A Formal Complaint about Spots

I am forty seven and I still suffer from spots. Please don’t leave this page though; I am not that revolting. Just you know – a tiny bit. I haven’t got big boils under the armpits or anything like that – and I’m not infectious. Facetious – yes. Infectious – no. Anyway, these accursed spots really annoy me, especially when I look at my friends’ faces and I don’t ever see them with any spots. Not that I wish spots upon them – but it would make my life more bearable if every now and then one of them got some huge pus infected monster that required a javelin to lance. Hmm at this point, Dear Readers, as I was writing I Googled “Big Boils” on Google Images and got some fascinating pictures. The ones of actual boils made me want to throw up so I’ll spare you that horror – and the rest were really quite bizarre

janeturley 10 May 2012 No Comments

Guilty Stories, Wonderful Music and Cryptic Clues

I am probably not the only one who felt a little tear sting their eye when the news broke that Robin Gibb was on his deathbed. There probably aren’t many of us, young or old, who haven’t at some point in our lives enjoyed the wonderful music of the BeeGees. How utterly delightful it is to now know that Robin Gibb has come out of his coma and is speaking to his family again. The BeeGee brothers have been struck by some awful tragedies in their lives – how lovely it would be if Robin and Barry could lightened our lives with a little bit more of their very special brand of music for a few years longer. Poor Robin is facing some serious challenges though with bowel cancer, liver failure and pneumonia. But he’s already faced survived against the odds – let’s hope he can make the distance. Anyway, this morning

janeturley 9 May 2012 2 Comments

The Homeless, Drugs and Mental Illness

I have a new book review up on The View From Here. By début novelist Tyler Stevens, Street is about the challenging topics of the homeless, mental illness and drug abuse. Today I took a day off to see a shrink. To tell him my problems. And I went and it was okay, except I knew he was messing with me, and he knew I was messing with him. I told him I felt out of sorts and violent. Tell me about the violent thoughts, he said. My guess is the book is semi-autobiographical. It’s very thought provoking and emotionally quite raw, as is the writing. I actually liked that – such a change from all that ludicrous chick lit and implausible thrillers with plots you need Google Maps to follow. It was very refreshing to read something that sounded both true and honest and where the author clearly had something very important he needed to say.

janeturley 8 May 2012 No Comments

Because of My Deep Affection for Tom Cruise

I know I mention Tom Cruise too often. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. He’s just so small he’s gotten under my skin. Anyway, it’s wet and rainy, cricket is rained off, tennis is rained off and I feel a little unwell. Therefore, there is nothing else to do but cheer myself up as best possible. So I have designed a special suit for Tom to wear in the next Mission Impossible film which I believe will be call Mission Impossible: Rabbit Warren. I love this suit and I think Tom will too – and since I only had to buy size 13-14 years which was a snip at £98.00 I may even order a second suit just in case his ears get caught in a trap.

janeturley 29 April 2012 12 Comments

My Garden and Elizabethan England.

I am building a boat. It has been raining far too much lately. My back garden which has already been decimated by Master Ben’s chickens now looks like a cesspit. It’s wallowing in mud. It probably looks like London in Tudor times. The only difference is – instead of me throwing excrement out the window I have chickens on hand to save me the trouble. It must have been great fun to live in Tudor times. Apart from the cholera, dysentery and the plague. And all those men dressing up as women on stage. No wonder the men wore tights all the time. I think there was a lot of gender confusion going on. To be honest, I’m not even sure if Queen Elizabeth was a woman. For a start she never had any children and she wore those big dresses – and you can hide a lot under one of those dresses. Even a small circus. In fact,

janeturley 26 April 2012 No Comments

I am all of a dither – should I buy this gift?

Oh Readers, I’ve just been on Amazon and browsed through their deals of the week and saw an article of clothing I am sorely tempted to buy for the good Mr T. In fact, as soon as I saw it I immediately thought: Why that is just so stylish and elegant for the debonair man the about town. I am sure Mr T would love to wear it! And Readers, this lovely article of clothing is only a paltry £98.00. I think it will make a great gift for any man for Father’s day. Start saving now. So what do you think? Shall I get it or not? Honest opinions please. Oh Gosh – I’m not sure about the colour though. Maybe I should go for the pink? Although I’m not sure if my budget can stretch to £140 for this one which is obviously very fashionable indeed at the moment. Hmm…or maybe the

janeturley 19 April 2012 4 Comments

Me and My Courtesy Car

Yes, I am driving a courtesy car. This is because last week I managed to successfully wreck the clutch on my Ford Cmax. Apparently, according to everyone I know, it is because of my (lack of) driving skills – apart from my good friend Mrs A who is blaming it on normal wear and tear. Now that’s what I call a true friend. So last week Master Ben and I set off for Cambridge for a tennis tournament and it became apparent en route all was not well with my car. As we returned home later in the day, we had to negotiate a small but steepish hill just outside of Cambridge where the revs moved into the red danger zone and there was simply no power at all in the engine – despite my gentle verbal encouragement – which normally my car responds to very well indeed. We only just about made it to the top of the hill – whereupon I knew

janeturley 18 April 2012 No Comments

Stop talking about shoes!

Warning: this article may offend some women: read at your peril. Please, please, please, please, please stop talking about shoes. Look, I like shoes. Some I like better than others. I walk in them, play tennis in them, occasionally dance in them and sometimes I even muck out the chickens in them. But I do not want to read about them, either in magazines, books or newspapers unless it’s a humorous article which points out how ridiculously stupid and expensive some of them are or it’s something poignant like my friend Marie’s article here. I also do not want to see them on the cover of any book. A book with high heels on it is like a red rag to a bull to me – it screams to me; Hello, I’m another tedious piece of anal chick lit! I will probably have numerous references to designer shoes and handbags and after you’ve read

janeturley 14 April 2012 8 Comments

I have had too much white wine

I’ve been up since 5am – who can blame me? So I am currently working my way through a bottle of dessert wine which is 16% proof. The fact I can type is actually a miracle. Thank goodness for spell checker. God may have made man in 7 days but I reckon on the 8th day he made spell checker. Don’t you just love him? Anyway, Mr T believes I am working at my writing. Which, of course, I am – as blogging is writing. Of sorts. Still, it’s a good learning curve. That’s what Quasimodo said when he reached the top of the bell tower. He was also pretty knackered. But then again, that’s what happens when you stuff your shirt with a bale of hay and 2 chickens. I should say that when I have had too much wine I am liable to say anything. Which is why I restrain from

janeturley 10 April 2012 2 Comments

Born to be a clown

I have a habit of being a clown. It comes naturally. I look around me and see sophisticated women everywhere and wonder where I went wrong. So today I got so excited watching Master Jacob play tennis that when I went to sit down I sat on the edge of my chair, tipped it right over and landed on my arse and splayed all over the floor in front of about twenty or more people. Much to everyone’s amusement. And I thought the petticoat incident was bad enough. Oh wait a minute, there was the knickers round the ankles incident too…. I am 47 years old. These things are not supposed to happen. What’s more I still get spots. It is soooooooooo unfair – I am lodging a complaint with Him Upstairs! On another matter, here’s my favourite record of the moment; I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz. I went to

janeturley 10 April 2012 3 Comments

Midget Gem Outrage (No 2)

Following up on yesterday’s article on the unscrupulous overpricing of Midget Gems at Tesco, today I am bringing you my report on the price and quality of Midget Gems at Tesco, Morrisons and Aldi. I did a lot of hard work on this (which sadly may now involve my acquiring a new set of dentures) so I hope you all appreciate my sterling efforts. So, I will do the pricing element first. The Midget Gems I have selected for this process are what I call “Home Brand” Midget Gems. Morrison’s MG on the left, Tesco in the pink and Aldi on the right. 200g bag at Aldi = 34p Excellent value. Finally, the Germans did something right. I quite like the packaging too – sophisticated although a little too black perhaps. Reminds me of…jackboots. I’ll say no more as I know I have a terrible habit of mentioning the war which, frankly, is just childish of me. Anyhow, these

janeturley 8 April 2012 4 Comments

Midget Gem Outrage (No 1)

Yes, I’ve finally got round to talking about those lovely little sweeties called Midget Gems. So in order for you to understand the importance of this article I shall first give you a bit of background to this high powered, utterly crucial and extremely well researched consumer article. Hang on. I’ve just remembered I have half a packet of Midget Gems left in my drawer. I’d better eat them before they go stale. Mmm… Mmm… So, back to business. Wait a minute. I’ve got one stuck on my teeth. Where’s my toothpick? Right, off you get now…come on you little bugger…move. I said MOVE. Okay, that’s better… Now where was I? Ah yes -so my boys and I and indeed the good Mr T are very fond of Midget Gems (hence forth known as MG) and for a long time, after the boys finished tennis in the evenings, I would often stop

janeturley 7 April 2012 2 Comments