The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Midget Gem Outrage (No 2)

Following up on yesterday’s article on the unscrupulous overpricing of Midget Gems at Tesco, today I am bringing you my report on the price and quality of Midget Gems at Tesco, Morrisons and Aldi. I did a lot of hard work on this (which sadly may now involve my acquiring a new set of dentures) so I hope you all appreciate my sterling efforts. So, I will do the pricing element first. The Midget Gems I have selected for this process are what I call “Home Brand” Midget Gems. Morrison’s MG on the left, Tesco in the pink and Aldi on the right. 200g bag at Aldi = 34p Excellent value. Finally, the Germans did something right. I quite like the packaging too – sophisticated although a little too black perhaps. Reminds me of…jackboots. I’ll say no more as I know I have a terrible habit of mentioning the war which, frankly, is just childish of me. Anyhow, these

janeturley 8 April 2012 4 Comments

Midget Gem Outrage (No 1)

Yes, I’ve finally got round to talking about those lovely little sweeties called Midget Gems. So in order for you to understand the importance of this article I shall first give you a bit of background to this high powered, utterly crucial and extremely well researched consumer article. Hang on. I’ve just remembered I have half a packet of Midget Gems left in my drawer. I’d better eat them before they go stale. Mmm… Mmm… So, back to business. Wait a minute. I’ve got one stuck on my teeth. Where’s my toothpick? Right, off you get now…come on you little bugger…move. I said MOVE. Okay, that’s better… Now where was I? Ah yes -so my boys and I and indeed the good Mr T are very fond of Midget Gems (hence forth known as MG) and for a long time, after the boys finished tennis in the evenings, I would often stop

janeturley 7 April 2012 2 Comments

Quills: Madness, Mayhem and the Marquis de Sade

I watched a terrific film last night called Quills which I don’t know how I’ve missed up until now bearing in mind it was released in 2000. To put it simply, it’s about madness, mayhem and the Marquis de Sade. Apparently, there have been some rumblings about historical inaccuracies but I think that is of little consequence; the film is an absolute delight and deals with such a wide range of themes; mental illness, sex, religion, literature, politics, violence, censorship in a marvellously entertaining way. Obviously, if you’re not one who enjoys those sort of topics, which are dealt in a very upfront and colourful manner, then it’s not for you but otherwise I would heartily recommend it. And with a terrific performance by Geoffrey Rush as Sade, supported by Michael Caine, Kate Winslet and Joaquin Phoenix and a superb script Quills is an all round winner.

janeturley 6 April 2012 No Comments

A Beautiful Storm: A Writer’s Dilemma

Two days ago, on my early morning perusal of the online newspapers I came across an article on the Daily Mail written by journalist Samantha Brick with the title “There are downsides to looking this pretty”: Why women hate me for being beautiful.” Obviously, with an eye-catching title like that I was instantly intrigued and read on. My immediate reaction was laughter and delight -I chuckled all the way through it. I could not believe that a woman could write such an article about herself and one which, without doubt, would paint her in a very bad light in the eyes of many people and open her up to universal condemnation. Of the many thoughts that crossed my mind about Samantha Brick (and I leave it to you all to make your own opinions as to the validity of her arguments) the one thing I thought was that Samantha must have a very thick skin indeed because

janeturley 5 April 2012 8 Comments

Are we having we a fuel crisis or not?

Look, if the sodding fuel truckers are going strike – will they just do it or forget it! The whole issue of whether we are or are not going to have a fuel strike is driving me bananas. So last week I had to fill up – as I usually do when the tank is nearly on empty. I was lucky there was still some fuel available but I suppose that were some people who needed it who didn’t get any. Why do people with G reg Ford Cortinas, usually about ninety years old, an excess of shopping bags and who haven’t come out of their house for twenty years make a special trip to the petrol station to drain every last drop of fuel so people who actually need it can’t get it? This also happens when there is any other kind of shortage too. Okay, okay I know the answer really

janeturley 3 April 2012 No Comments

The Curious Incident of the Blog in the Night Time.(A Climate Change story.)

A strange thing happened today. I was working on my story about Pooh bear (again) which not only involves hand dryers but also the subject of climate change (the story is getting weirder by the minute!) when I decided to go back and read my 2009 interview with Paul Brown, a former journalist with The Guardian newspaper whose specialism is climate change. To my horror, I found that my blog post was all scrambled up so that it made very little sense. Of course, I’ve reformatted my blog several times since 2009 so anything is possible but, suffice to say, I’ve not noticed any changes in any of my other blog posts bar a few script and spacing changes. I am rather curious how this peculiarity has come about and with my imagination I can jump to all sorts of conspiracy theories – although I’m sure in reality it’s just one of those quirky technical things. It’ll probably be the

janeturley 28 March 2012 2 Comments

Another Emergency Post: Winnie the Pooh and the Case of the Germ Ridden Hand Dryer

I have broken off from writing to make this emergency post. As you can see from the title I am still working on my Winnie the Pooh story. (Bear with me folks.) Anyway, my Pooh story necessitated me doing some research on hand dryers. (Those machines in bathrooms for drying your hands – just thought I’d mention that in case any of you were confused.) And yes, I know a story about Winnie Pooh and an electric hand dryer sounds almost inconceivable but should you folks ever get to read my masterpiece it’ll probably blow your brains out with its originality – or you’ll just blow your brains out. So to get back to the hand dryer business. For my story I needed to know when hand dryers were invented so I duly googled “When were hand dryers invented?” (original I know) and up came the Wikipedia page for Hand Dryer.

janeturley 26 March 2012 6 Comments

To dye or not to dye?

Did anyone watch The Voice last night? (Catch a glimpse below of judges Tom Jones, Jessie J, Will.i.am and Danny O’ Donoghue performing The Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling.) . So here’s a question – do you think Tom Jones looks better with natural grey hair than with the dyed black hair he sported for years? Or is it me trying to convince myself that’s the case because I’m considering letting my own hair go grey naturally? Then there’s Jamie Lee Curtis. I think she looks just fantastic for her age. And I like the way her hair looks too. Mind you – it does help if you’ve got a great face and body when you begin to age. And as much as I’d like to think I look like Jaime Lee Curtis the truth is I probably look more like Miss Piggy so the lovely Jaime probably has one up on me in the beauty stakes

janeturley 25 March 2012 6 Comments

Update on Midget Gems

Cripes, can you believe it’s Thursday already? And I still haven’t posted either my Midget Gem consumer article or my review of The Iron Lady. However…just to reassure you that I am working on these articles I would like to report that I have almost finished scoffing my second packet of Midget Gems. Ahhh… the things a House Extraordinaire must do to protect the interests of the ordinary housewife and her family against the might of the retail giants… You know, I’m beginning to feel a bit sick. And I don’t think it has anything with food poisoning……….

janeturley 22 March 2012 2 Comments

A Bad Dream

Ugh – I had a really bad dream last night. I dreamt I stepped on the weighing scales in the bathroom and they fell apart. And if that isn’t bad enough – they were positioned next to the toilet and in order to stop myself falling and having a nasty injury I had to put one foot down the loo. Even worse – the loo had not been flushed. You can guess the contents. (Obviously the toilet seat was up. No surprise there.) Frankly, I don’t think you could get a worse dream than that. I think my sub-conscience is telling me I need to lose weight or something awful is going to happen. Oh well, I suppose I’d better start another diet…. Oh hang on – I know why I dreamt this! It’s because I watched the video below yesterday which if you are in any way squeamish I wouldn’t advise watching because whilst most of it is

janeturley 17 March 2012 7 Comments

How stupid can you be?

I can’t believe it! Have you heard the latest news? Some idiot bailed Russell Brand. Hmm…I wonder if the New Orleans Police Dept would except a bribe to bang him up again? Anyhow, as I’ve been fairly quiet this week, next week I shall be posting a review of The Iron Lady and a consumer piece on Midget Gems. And I don’t mean this one: Yes, I know you’re wondering what on earth I’ve got to say about Midget Gems. The answer is plenty. Ps: just in case you’re not familiar with Midget Gems – they’re little sweets similar to Wine Gums but about a third of the size. I believe they’re called Midget Gems because Small Gems didn’t have much market appeal. So I’m told anyway….

janeturley 16 March 2012 2 Comments

An Emergency Situation

Hoist the flags, man the bridges, I have an emergency situation… I have run out of toilet roll.

janeturley 16 March 2012 2 Comments