The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

IT bores me to death

I have found the cure for my insomnia! It’s called Information Technology. Yes, the reason I’ve been silent lately is I’ve been doing an IT course which I have to finish by Friday. And it is boring the pants off me. It has literally been sending me to sleep. It’s so dull and mind numbing. There are pages and pages of stuff on screen that I have to work through (which are set at a pace that even a snail would be twiddling his feet impatiently) that I have been quite literately falling asleep at my computer. After about 15 minutes my brain begins to switch off, my eyes glaze over and my head hits the keyboard. Amazing. All those herbal pills and milky drinks and bangs to the head I’ve tried to cure my insomnia with and all I had to do was take an IT course. The only trouble is I don’t really fancy doing IT courses for the rest of my

janeturley 8 December 2011 2 Comments

The Journey (Flash fiction)

My hands grip the gate, the cold frame slides open like a mortuary drawer. I slip through, exhaling. It snaps back into place like the sharp recoil of a gun. A path lies before me, a stretch of pebbled stones giving way to sodden grass and soil. Branches of tall trees hang heavy, trailing like the tresses of a lover’s hair. A grey mist meanders, its cold, clammy fingers caressing me until my clothes cling like a second skin. Mud squelches around my feet, sealing my presence. Sharp thorns and sneering faces taunt me from the dark recesses of the forest. But there is no other path, so I push my hands deep into my pockets, taking comfort in the smooth metal my fingers encounter. My feet drag and my limbs ache as the path inclines. Sweat trickles down my face. I glance back, my body tingling

janeturley 2 December 2011 4 Comments

On the Morning Watch

Well just to keep you informed I did eventually manage to get some sleep between 5 and 7am this morning. I’m not sure exactly how much but I was sleeping when Mr T woke me up with his usual endearment; “If you don’t get up the boys will miss the bus.” Interpret as you will. Well the boys did catch their bus. Master Jacob had no school tie though and neither of them had brushed their teeth. Hmm. I hope my dentist isn’t reading this; he gives me a really hard time if they’re not brushing properly. It’s like the Spanish Inquisition at my dentist. How many times are you brushing? Left to right? Gums? Backs of teeth? Electric? Blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s enough to shock any decent mother into lying. “I’m afraid bad teeth is genetic, Mr Dentist. I blame their father.” So anyway, I did actually get some sleep

janeturley 21 November 2011 2 Comments

On The Night Watch

Three small sherry sized glasses of wine and 2 cups of non decaff and I can’t sleep. That’ll teach me. Who knows what I’d be like if I did drugs if this is what mere wine and coffee does to me. I can’t sleep at all. Nope, not a wink. I can’t even imagine what taking some LSD or such like would do to me – forget the hallucinations I’d probably have enough energy to swim the channel and back. I know that sounds impossible but if David Walliams can swim the Thames whilst he has tummy trouble I reckon I can swim the channel with insomnia. You know, I keep wondering what the inside of David’s wet suit looked like while he was swimming. I’m not having pleasant thoughts. Maybe he wore a diaper? Still, at least my kids don’t suffer from insomnia. If they did I reckon they’d be pretty shocked

janeturley 21 November 2011 No Comments

It’s a turkey Jim, but not as we know it!

Gosh. This morning I learnt a very interesting fact about my American friends. They deep fry their turkeys! And I thought Bush had just been pensioned off. Oh come on. Don’t get grumpy with me. It’s just a joke! We have turkeys too in this country. Most of them have wings though. However, I’m prepared to believe Blair and Brown were turkeys and what’s more I’m prepared to deep fry them too. In fact, I’d been happy to spit roast them. Nothing like a red hot poker and a politician with his pants down to bring a smile to my face. Yep, so I came across this video starring the lovely William Shatner of Star Trek fame on the subject of deep-frying turkeys: Right. I’m coming clean. I kinda have a crush on Bill Shatner. I don’t think I’ve ever got over that original Star Trek series and I’ve loved just about everything he’s ever done – even

janeturley 17 November 2011 6 Comments

Is a Blog a Liability?

Let me think about that question. Um. Yes. How do I know this? Well this morning I spoke to my good friend Mrs B who said to me; “Jane, I’ve seen a job you could do!” Cue Mrs T getting all excited. A job suitable for Mrs T? There’s not many of them around! I did think about applying for a job as a school chef a short time ago but I’m not good at cooking and I don’t want to be associated with lumpy mash potato. Anyway, I decided to quit while I was ahead – I mean nobody likes to get sacked – so I saved myself the anxiety and didn’t apply in the first place. Now I know you lot probably don’t think I’m that bad at cooking so I might as well tell you that recently Master Jacob lodged a formal complaint about my toast. Apparently, I burn

janeturley 15 November 2011 2 Comments

The Bike with One Big Wheel and One Small Wheel

Not so long ago I wrote a post called On Yer Bike which related a story about how Master Ben had asked me if I had a bike with “one big wheel and one small wheel” when I was young. Now Master Ben is 10 years old. It is acceptable for him to not know the correct name for such a bike. However, it has come to my attention that across the world almost daily people are Googling “Bike with one big wheel and one small wheel” and arriving on my blog. Obviously, I am hoping they are all school children. However, as I am nothing but generous I am now delighted to finally make use of my history degree by informing the world that the “Bike with one big wheel and one small wheel” is actually called a … PENNY FARTHING Now for a small fortune I will regale you with

janeturley 9 November 2011 8 Comments

A Big Expensive Mess

I think this story is most one of the most entertaining stories I’ve ever read. Certainly equal to the story about the woman who knocked herself out on her loo roll holder. Apparently, a cleaner in a German museum mistook an exhibit for a big mess and cleaned it up. The exhibit was entitled “When It Starts Dripping From the Ceiling” and featured “a tower of wooden slats under which a rubber trough was placed with a thin beige layer of paint representing dried rain water.“ Personally, I think the cleaner deserves an award; if the art looked like a pile of crap it probably was. It’s hard to believe it had a price tag of 1.1 million dollars attached to it. Hmm…. maybe it’s an inside job. Perhaps the museum just got tired of seeing a stain on the floor and decided to fake a claim? I mean a stain on the floor

janeturley 4 November 2011 4 Comments

The Afflictions of Facial Hair (Part Two)

Further to my previous post The Afflictions of Facial Hair I’ve been doing some scientific analysis on how this problem affects women as they grow older. I have now formalized this research into an easy-to- read chart so that the male of the species can fully appreciate the problems us women encounter. This means that if you happen to be a brunette like my good self by the age of 60 you will look like this: Now it has always annoyed me that “blondes have more fun”. However, it annoys me even more that when blondes forget to shave they don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of people asking why there is a small gerbil attached to their armpit. Which, of course, has never happened to me. In fact, Mr T will vouch for the fact that I never ever had a small gerbil under my armpit. He may though say that he has seen a large domestic guinea

janeturley 28 October 2011 2 Comments

SLOW DRIVERS DRIVE ME MAD

I have just had one of those days where you want to scream, scream, scream. For a start, it’s a Monday so .. SUNDAY DRIVERS SHOULD NOT BE OUT ON THE ROAD. Yep, everywhere I went today, whatever the speed zone, there was always some Sunday driver doing about 20 mph less than the speed limit. It makes me want to tear my hair out. For God’s sake, if they feel that nervous about driving why the hell can’t they just GET OFF THE ROADS. Not that I’m cross or anything you know. Just mildly put out. Then of course there’s those drivers who practically come to a standstill to turn a corner. In fact one person was so slow today I thought they were actually going to park in the middle of the road. What is wrong with these people? Do they know that roads are for driving cars on? Or

janeturley 24 October 2011 6 Comments

A Canter Around The Cheltenham Literary Festival

As I grow older time seems to pass more quickly. A whole year has now passed since I visited the Cheltenham Literary Festival and enjoyed a weekend listening to some our most famous contemporary authors talk about their lives and work. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to the festival this year so here for your enjoyment (I hope) is a review I wrote for The View last year…. I’ve often wondered about authors’ personalities and how much of their characters are reflected in their work. There are so many colourful stories about past literary giants it’s become almost impossible not to speculate about some of our more influential contemporary writers. So, a few weeks ago, I took the opportunity to travel down to Cheltenham, the home of Britain’s oldest literary festival, to have a nose at some of our most revered authors as background to a possible review. Would I hear stories of

janeturley 23 October 2011 No Comments

Hold me back – I’m gonna blow soon

Almost everyday I see them. They are everywhere; on street corners, in town centres, in the parks, propped up against railings and walls. They are driving me insane. When I see them I am physically repulsed. Sometimes the sight is so bad my eyeballs are practically popping out of my head. Recently though, not only has my stomach been even more queasy than normal but I have found words bubbling in my throat, tripping around tongue, imploring me to allow them to burst forth. Any day soon Readers I know that fateful moment is going to arrive when I wind down the window on my car and yell… “PULL UP YOUR TROUSERS – I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR BUTT!” Yep, and when I get a mouthful of abuse in return I shall give my parting shot… “Nice cheeks – shame about the boils.” Yep, I can’t stand them any longer. I

janeturley 18 October 2011 4 Comments