The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

On Yer Bike!

So yesterday I’m driving merrily along in the car with young Master Benedict beside me in the passenger seat. You may have noticed from previous posts that this is the time when Master Benedict often startles me with his bold/sneaky/cunning questions. In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact he’s in the car with me I’d think he was trying to cause me to crash into the central reservation. Take yesterday’s question which was arguably one of his best yet… Mum? Yes? Did you have one of those bikes with one big wheel and one small wheel? Hmm. I know I’ve aged recently but not that much. Surely?

janeturley 13 August 2011 8 Comments

Jean Claude Van Damme’s Pants Are Too Tight.

I apologise, Readers, but I must interrupt the current spate of stupidity on this blog with yet more stupidity. I have just seen this advert, starring a weather beaten Jean Claude Van Damme: What the hell is that all about? His pants are frozen rock solid? He’s walking like a penguin? Cripes, I am so perplexed about that advert I have no idea what lager he’s advertising! But if it’s frozen his assets it can’t be good. You know, on balance, I don’t think that penguin walk has anything to do with lager. He’s trying to put us of the scent: I think he’s had a vasectomy.

janeturley 8 August 2011 2 Comments

Story Time

Right, so I’ve written a really stupid story. However, I am not taking the blame for it. I know that makes me sound like a politician but at least I’m not charging anyone to read it or trying to claim for a cheese sandwich whilst I was writing it. Anyway, I am blaming my writing buddy, Gary Davison. You may remember that this is one of Gary’s books… Rumour has it Gary did the modelling for his book cover. No comments about the small size of the star please. ….which just in case you haven’t got your glasses on it’s about streaking. (It’s a very subtle cover as you can see.) What I want to know is what the hell is Robin doing running across the cover? I hope Batman doesn’t get jealous. (Could be the makings of a sequel there, Gary.) Anyway streaking is a novel choice for a novel (and

janeturley 8 August 2011 13 Comments

The Shock Treatment

It’s early morning. It’s the school holidays and I’m under serious pressure. If you have three sons you’ll know what I mean. Therefore, when I get up in the morning and do my quick surf of the news sites I do not want to see pictures that make me feel ill such as this one: That, my friends, is VAL KILMER. Yes. Val Kilmer! Look, I know getting old ain’t good to any of us, particularly if you’ve eaten too many pies, but let’s be honest here Val Kilmer used to be hot, hot, hot. Now he looks like Ken Dodd’s younger brother. Yeah, you know who Ken Dodd is – the comedian with the tickling brush and the Diddy Men. What can I say? I hope it’s a temporary thing for Val but after having a (very) bad day yesterday and scoffing 2 slices of pizza, 2 flapjacks, a

janeturley 5 August 2011 10 Comments

Yet More Dreams

Oh dear. I had another dream last night which, unfortunately, was not about Huw Grant, but something far more worrying. It was about.. Babies. Yes, babies. I never dream about babies and that kind of stuff. Why now??? I know I’m a bit stressed at the moment with it being the school holidays and the fact that I am actually for once seriously contemplating going back out to work but even so….dreams about babies??? That’s the stuff nightmares are made of… So I give birth during the night at home. (Luckily, in my dream I didn’t dream the labour bit otherwise Mr T might have woken with a heart attack as I screamed “No, not stitches. Anything but the stitches! And get your hand away from my backside! A woman’s backside is her own private kingdom!”) So anyway, I give birth and Mr T quickly takes the baby away and puts

janeturley 29 July 2011 No Comments

Me and Mr Grant

I saw across him across the car park. He was just coming out of the doctor’s surgery. He looked handsome, debonair and charming as he always does. My heart fluttered. A thought flashed across my mind that maybe he was being treated for bipolar disorder… quickly followed by the even more worrying thought of erectile dysfunction. But as our paths crossed I was captivated by his sparkling blue eyes, his lean body clothed in a dark grey suit and open necked shirt. His casual elegance. He smiled. I smiled. “Hello,” I said shyly. “Hello,” he replied, his smile breaking into an enticing grin. “I trust you’ve not got bi-polar disorder?” I said. “No, indeed,” he laughed. “Just a small problem, easily rectified.” I glanced down at his pants. He laughed and said something witty. I said something witty in reply. He said something even wittier. I said something even more

janeturley 26 July 2011 6 Comments

Poetry, The Writer’s Handbook, Playboy and a serious case of the giggles

Oh ho hum. There I was, perusing the pages of the Writer’s Handbook 2010 (can’t afford the latest edition) looking for markets for humorous stories and general inane waffle as befitting my abilities when my eye fell upon an article by Chris Hamilton Emery of Salt Publishing, an independent publisher specializing in poetry. As you know poetry has been on mind lately (or not on my mind lately – whichever way you look at it) so I duly read through his article Twenty things I didn’t know before becoming a poetry publisher which had me giggling into my coffee cup and generally thinking that Mr Hamilton Emery should be writing comedy rather than poetry. Here’s number 14 of his 20 …. Roughly speaking, the developed world’s population will all become poets in 2033. Poets are the plankton of the literary world….Some people call themselves poets because they write stuff. This is like describing yourself as an athlete because you

janeturley 7 July 2011 5 Comments

A Question for Writers

Alrighty, I have a question for you writers and aspiring writers out there or indeed anyone who knows how to make sense out of nonsense. (Not me obviously.) Why is it, when I look around the web, that poets seem to be paid more than prose writers? For example, I just looked at one website where the fee for a poem is £25 and a prose writer is £15 per thousand words. Now I don’t want to dispute the fact that any piece of writing poetry or prose takes some creativity and any numbers of hours to write. However, a poem might only be three lines, is probably likely to a “filler” and not likely to be a key feature unless it is written specifically for a poetry magazine. Further, I would suggest poetry requires little or no research as it usually contains emotional sentiments rather than facts and figures whereas the research for some articles can take

janeturley 4 July 2011 10 Comments

Can it be True?

Can it be true? Is it really possible?? How can such a thing happen??? I gasped. I gawped. I felt a churning in my stomach. I pushed the first suicidal thoughts out of my mind and whispered in awe… How can any woman have a hair THAT long on her chin? I turned the mirror to catch the sun and… Slowly, deliberately, with skill of a brain surgeon, I raised my shears… And then I had a thought… You know, Mrs T, if you thread it with pasta it would work incredibly well with your organic knitted jewellery range. I am a genius.

janeturley 2 July 2011 7 Comments

Seriously Unfunny and Funny Unseriously (No, I don’t what it means either but what the heck it sounds great!)

What a week. Blimey, I’m glad it almost over. It’s been a week jammed pack with irritating and upsetting events – you know the ones folks – not those ones where you get knocked for six like bereavement but the ones where you get thumping headaches and are gradually being wound up like a clock and all of sudden you snap. I haven’t (completely) snapped yet – well if you exclude the phone call with school – which was what I would call a “warm-up exercise” but I’m close. If I can survive tomorrow I might just make it to the weekend without being arrested. Hmm… let’s hope that chap who likes to park at the bottom of my driveway doesn’t park there tomorrow – if not for my sake for the sake of his car… Anyhow, in between all the general moaning I’ve done this week, I did finally send two pieces

janeturley 1 July 2011 5 Comments

Thoughts at the End of a Long Day

Yep, it’s been a long day. Full of emotional highs and lows. And I’m really pleased that Andy beat Feliciano at Wimbledon. I am. Really I am. Although… if Feliciano had done his trick with the 5 loaves and 2 fish he might have convinced Andy that he should win…

janeturley 29 June 2011 2 Comments

Restoring Humour

Right, after this morning’s post and yesterday’s even more depressing one urgent action is required to restore Mrs T to her normal good humour! Plan; 1. Drink large cup of strong black coffee as opposed to usual decaff. TICK 2. Scoff packet of yummy nuts. TICK. 3. Inspect pictures of Felciano Lopez ready for play-off against Andy Murray. Hmm. Not bad. Not bad at all. 10/10. I little long in the hair department but acceptably attractive. Looks a bit like Jesus though – which kinda worries me with the thoughts I’m having… Hmm..bit worrying that bloke behind Feliciano has also given him a 10 though. Although I guess it’s whatever ticks your box these days…. Anyway, that’s a TICK 4. Ring Mrs D, friend and tennis partner, for mutual therapeutic whinge about the NHS, sore toes, tonsillitis, schools and anything else that comes to mind. TICK 5. Check what time Feliciano Andy comes on centre court.

janeturley 29 June 2011 10 Comments