The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Let the Voices of Reason Speak

Cripes, I feel mad lately. Monday was such a beautiful, sunny day. In the morning I’d sat down at my computer and was finalising a piece of flash fiction to submit for The Bridport Prize, Young Sam had even come into my study and asked me for help on a photography competition he wanted to enter and all was well -I was in a really positive frame of mind. Then I get than darn call from school (see yesterday’s post) and everything goes pear shaped. Then this morning the stray cat I was feeding hasn’t turn up. Yesterday, he arrived with a nasty injury to his head. I tried to get him into a basket but failed so I went to the Vets and asked for antibiotics which I could feed him so he didn’t get an infection; “Oh, we can’t give antibiotics without seeing the cat. Maybe you could get the RSCPA vet to look at

janeturley 29 June 2011 2 Comments

When Anger Reigns

I do not like anger. I do not like it in other people and I do not like it in myself. But it’s nearly 3 am, I haven’t slept and I am still angry. Very angry. I am burning with rage at the phone call I received from school yesterday lunchtime about one of my boy’s education. Over the last 15 years, since my eldest started school, I have had to contend with a number of school issues that have frustrated, appalled and angered me. I have watched on the sidelines as the state school system has slowly deteriorated into a politically correct, mediocre, babysitting establishment which is breeding a generation of illiterate children. Government statistics which say our children are all little geniuses with bucketfuls of A stars are a complete distortion of the truth. And I don’t know anyone who doesn’t think that is the case – including many teachers I know – some of whom will quietly confirm the rumour that pass marks

janeturley 28 June 2011 4 Comments

Mrs J Turley, Fashionista Extraordinaire (The Wonders of Sheep’s Wool II)

That’s it! I’ve finally discovered how I can become a fashion tycoon, the new Vivien Westwood of jewellery design and guru of ludicrously overpriced fashion. In a matter of weeks, I, Mrs Turley Housewife Extraordinaire, will become a Fashionista Extraordinaire and multi-millionaire businesswoman. People will be paying me huge amounts of cash to design ridiculously overpriced jewellery and accessories which I will then flog to poor unsuspecting fools! (Readers of Okay and Hello probably.) Oh hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! My salvation from the kitchen sink has come at last! So last week (after I’d been admiring my extensive gem collection for several days) I was alleviating the boredom of doing my daily tasks by chuckling to myself about my friends’ interest in knitted jewellery and sheep’s baubles. Anyway, so there I was in the utility room, when suddenly it struck me – how I could be rich overnight by designing my own range of jewellery with my own new revolutionary products – made not from sheep’s wool… or goat

janeturley 20 June 2011 11 Comments

The Wonders of Sheep

I am still reeling in shock. Last Friday night was Book Club night. (You may remember my ladies of The Book Club who I talked about here and here.) Why am I in shock? Because Mrs S, the sole supporter amongst us of the local Women’s Institute, invited us all to the next meeting which was to be an enlightening talk on the subject of… Knitted Jewellery. Yes, you did read that right. Knitted jewellery. K-n-i-t-t-e-d jewellery. I must admit when Mrs S first mentioned it I thought she’d forgotten to take her medication and was hallucinating again. Either that or I’d had one sip too many of the champers we were having to celebrate Mrs Midwife’s big 5-0. However, Mrs S was completely serious. Hmm.. the things they get up to at the WI. What next? After the success of Calendar Girls, maybe it’ll be Knitted and Naked in Knightsbridge? So a

janeturley 15 June 2011 14 Comments

Sunday Madness

Ohhhhh I got a tag! Okay, so I practically had to beg for it from Martin. But in the end I got it! By the way Ladies, have you noticed that whenever you want something badly from your man you always have to beg for it? Except for sex, of course, which if you want it really, really bad your man is usually drunk and incapable. (Although it might not stop them from trying – which is why I suggest keeping a teddy bear on your bed – as a drunken man can’t tell the difference between a bear and a woman so long as it feels warm and hairy.) That’s my excuse for not shaving my legs and I’m sticking to it. Anyway, what else is there to do when it’s raining but a tag? It’s Sunday and my whole day – two cricket matches and a tennis tournament has been rained off and I am desperate, and I mean desperate, to avoid the ironing

janeturley 12 June 2011 5 Comments

To Keep or not to Keep?

Oh no, I’ve done it again! I opened my big mouth about Cheryl Cole’s purple trousers – forgetting I’d actually ordered something purple myself. As it happens, I like the colour purple very much so when I was surfing trusty old Marks and Spencers for something suitably staid (socks, braces that kind of thing) for Mr T for the forthcoming Father’s Day I accidentally (cough, cough) clicked on the women’s section and came across a purple jumpsuit, ideal ( or so I thought) for lounging around in on a hot day. (Not that we get many of those in the UK but I like to look on the bright side.) So yesterday the jumpsuit arrived and I thought it was FAB. Yes, I loved it. It’s a lovely colour, a good fit and has a touch of the exotic. Yes, yes, I know it’s more suitable for a holiday in the Caribbean but I can dream can’t I?

janeturley 12 June 2011 11 Comments

Princess Cheryl’s Auction!

Brilliant. I’ve just heard that Cheryl Cole is auctioning off her X Factor clothes. I missed out on Princess Beatrice’s hat but I feel I’m in with a good chance with Cheryl’s purple trousers. Right, let’s see how much change I’ve got in my purse… 10 pence That should do it. Okay, okay…it’s for charity. I can hear you saying what a skinflint I am so I’m prepared to be generous and raise the stakes. 15 pence. That’s it; take it or leave it, Cheryl. I’m only prepared to pay so much for a new floor cloth.

janeturley 9 June 2011 No Comments

Princess Cheryl

ARgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! If I hear one more thing about Cheryl Cole and the X factor I will not be responsible for my actions. I’ve given poor Tom Cruise, Ashton Kutcher and Martin Amis some stick here on my blog but Simon Cowell is coming dangerously close to being my arch nemesis of all time if he doesn’t hurry up and spontaneously combust. Look, there’s only one reason Cheryl got kicked off X Factor and I don’t think it had anything to do with her accent. It was that stupid outfit she wore to the auditions – purple trousers that were too long, an orange frilly top, a pale blue belt and hair like she’d just seen Simon Cowell making out with his wallet. I don’t mean to be rude to poor Cheryl, who normally dresses quite fetchingly, but frankly, even I look better in my jim jams after a night cleaning up the kid’s vomit.

janeturley 5 June 2011 6 Comments

The Price Tag of Life

I am not someone quick to anger. But very occasionally I do get cross, especially when I read quotes from people who pour scorn on being a stay at home mother.Yesterday, I read this article at The Daily Telegraph featuring novelist Joanna Trollope who suggests that stay at home mothers produce callous children. Here’s what she says; “I remember when my daughters were at boarding school and there was a girl at the school, and they were always telling me that she had this wonderful mother who was always at home, making home-made bread and willing to drop everything to play rounders….It was their big tease to me that she was this perfect mother…And recently I met this girl, now grown up, and there was this callousness about her. This idyll she had grown up in had detached her from society…My own belief, having worked absolutely all my life, is that it’s healthy to work. It’s

janeturley 4 June 2011 8 Comments

Big Mouth, Big Toe

It will not come as a shock to you folks that I am always getting into trouble. Well I’ve done it again – only this time it doesn’t involve my car. It involves my big toe. Earlier today, I decided that whilst the boys were in the nets playing cricket and having a little instruction, I would have a bash too. Now, many years ago I used to play cricket (emphasis on the “many”) and whilst I’ve hit a few tennis balls with the kids at cricket when they were younger I haven’t done much with a hard ball in about… 25 years. Probably not a good idea then to stick on pads and a helmet and have a bat. But hey, I wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t an idiot most of the time! Yep, so I faced a few balls, struck a few and was beginning to move into “power play”

janeturley 2 June 2011 16 Comments

Irreverent Chat

Wow! Yesterday, via the news, I came upon this site – a website where readers can vote upon the sexiness of our MPs. Boy, did I have some fun! Now currently riding high at position no 13 is Joseph Johnson. Here he is; Well yes, a pleasant looking fellow. Not sure if he’s my cup of tea though. Anyway, remember that old saying “Look at the mother before you marry the daughter” – well I think the same applies to men – only perhaps it should be “Look at the older brother before you marry his younger sibling” So let’s take a look at Joseph’s older brother, Boris. Yes, that IS that mad fruitcake Boris, Lord Mayor of London. Hmm. Me thinks that if the lovely Joseph hasn’t hooked up yet he’d better do it fast because when Boris’s Alzheimer’s sets in poor Joesph hasn’t a hope in hell. Here’s some other interesting points..

janeturley 2 June 2011 1 Comment

Dreary Last Chapters, A Free Book and Why (Apparently) Women Aren’t Funny

Recently, I’ve been thinking about last chapters of novels and famous last lines as I’ve been writing an article on the subject for The View From Here. We’ve all heard, for example, of “Tomorrow, I’ll think of some way to get him back. After all, tomorrow is another day” from Gone with the Wind. Frankly, the film was enough to put me off the book. Not that is was unwatchable but the thought of wading through over a thousand pages to hear that corny line is a just a no go for me. I’d probably find myself screaming”Oh just let him go, Love. Burn your corset, let it all hang out!” Mind you, that’s what Germaine Greer did. Probably would have been better if she hadn’t. Anyway, the last line of Gone with the Wind hardly lives up to the classic Dickens; “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done;

janeturley 26 May 2011 5 Comments