The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

I Need a Pen Name!

I’ve decided I need a pen name or a pseudonym, call it what you will. Last night I started to read through some women’s magazines with a view to sending in some short stories I’d written and I realised my stories were…. probably too good. (Take everything I say with a pinch of salt, Readers.) I need to dumb them down! Yep, I need to add in a few stray dogs, some cardboard elephants (yes, they did actually appear in one story I read) or a cat stuck up a chimney. In all probability the heroine should also fall over/fall out of a boat/fall off stage so that she can be kissed by the hero in a moment of mad impetuousness. She should also work in a either a cake shop, a florists or own a small holding in the Scottish highlands where she weaves yarn for a living. Oh, and it would also help if she

janeturley 24 May 2011 20 Comments

Alternative Therapy

I woke up this morning with a migraine. Darn it, I hate those things. The worst thing about my migraines is that they’re not bad enough – they’re nagging, irritating and wear me down but I can still function. This means I don’t get enough sympathy! I want to be in a darkened room with folks bringing me tea and cuddly toys…but no I’m all by my tod, doing all the things I have to do anyway only with a gremlin in my head going “nah, nah, nah, nah.” Right, so I’ve tried all the usual remedies (which never work anyway so I don’t know why I bother) so I’m going to try something different. I going to stick my Ipod on extra loud, pop some chocolate in my mouth and try and dance my way out of it. I’m going to play Cee Lo Green, Bright Lights Bigger City. Let’s see

janeturley 23 May 2011 4 Comments

A Sigh of Relief

So, Praise the Lord, the world didn’t end last night at 6pm as predicted by Harold Camping. I was mightily relieved – I had my washing out. Yep, there’s nothing that annoys me more than having to bring my washing in until I’m ready for it. My record for leaving it in the garden is about 5 days. Although there was that time we went on holiday…I told Mr T is was a ploy to fool potential burglars. I’m not sure if he believed me though… Anyway, imagine having to bring your washing in whilst covered in volcanic ash and torrential wind and rain whips your face. Not a pleasant idea – although probably cheaper than going for a face peel. You know, it doesn’t matter how much the logical side of me says oddballs like Camping, who spout ridiculous claims about the end of the world, are just nutters -there’s always a tiny part of me which

janeturley 22 May 2011 No Comments

Crowns before Hats

Our Queen is 85 years old, a woman who would never have been Queen had it not been for her errant uncle. She’s lived through many turgid and troubling times, times of great social and economic change, of global warfare and, of course, her own family tragedies. She should have her feet up, drinking tea and nibbling biscuits, whilst watching the King’s Speech but she’s donned her best garb and flown to Southern Ireland to heal the wounds of the past. It must be arduous at her age yet somehow I think she looks genuinely pleased to be there. I have English, Irish, Welsh and Scottish blood in me. I’ve always thought of myself as British rather than English although I was born in England and live in England. I’m just glad and truly grateful, like the vast majority, there is peace with Ireland. All I can add to that is – Thank God The Queen didn’t send Princess Beatrice in that

janeturley 18 May 2011 8 Comments

My New Desk

Well it isn’t really a new desk – but an old family desk. A few weeks ago, my mother’s younger sister emailed me and asked me if I would like my grandfather’s desk. My aunt inherited it back in 1988 when my grandfather died. She was married to a writer (I mention him in my article A Childhood in Fiction) and so she had seemed the obvious choice. I believe my grandfather bought this desk in the late 1920s or early 1930s and used it for the remaining of his working life and beyond. I remember it from my childhood and, as I knew that it had taken a battering over the years, when it arrived I decided I would invest a few pounds and have it restored to its former glory. There are still drawer inserts and a few other bits missing but overall I’m pleased with the result. I’m really looking forward to writing something special whilst thinking of him. The desk

janeturley 16 May 2011 8 Comments

Ring the Bells, Sound the Trumpets!

Gosh. I must interrupt the inactivity on this blog with some exciting news for my Lady Readers. I just heard on the radio that Arnold Schwarzenegger is splitting from that Kennedy woman! Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la, la la la la Tis the season to be Jolly Fa la la la, la la la la Okay, it is kinda sad that after twenty-five years that Arnie and his wife can’t hold it together…but on the other hand… Yippee!!! At last I’m in with a chance of grabbing Arnie’s butt for myself. I mean, who wouldn’t want a shy, retiring, svelte-like, sweet, adorable English Rose like me? Okay, I admit might not be actually “svelte-like” but Arnie’s an actor he can use his imagination, can’t he? And as for the sweet, adorable bit – just ask all my friends…. it’s completely true. At least on Mondays when the kids go

janeturley 10 May 2011 7 Comments

Back to Blogging

It’s a month since I last posted. I think it is my longest absence ever from the blogosphere. So it’s time to get back on the writing trail again! As you know, it was a late Easter so it’s been the school hols which means I’ve been busy doing the family thing. Firstly, this meant picking up Young Sam from college. So, a few weeks ago, I drove over to his digs (colloquial UK expression for a student shit-tip) where I’d hoped to be greeted with loving kisses and a big welcoming smile – instead his door opened and I was greeted by the poignant odour of Eau de Student (You know the odour – unwashed jeans and stale fish and chips) and an even more gruesome Eau de Unclean Toilet. Sam is very lucky to have his own washing facilities – which the student brochure described as an “ensuite bathroom.” However, I would more realistically describe it as; A compact chamber of minuscule proportions containing (debatable) sanitary equipment and suitably sized for dwarfs, pixies and anyone keen on potholing. Please note a

janeturley 4 May 2011 8 Comments

Music Monday: A Winning Song?

I haven’t done a Music Monday post for quite a while. However, as the time of year when music fever hits Europe is fast approaching, it’s time for me to get back on track. When I say music fever hits Europe – I mean the annual joviality called the Eurovision Song Contest. Now us Brits have always laughed at the Eurovision contest. Basically, we think it’s a load of tripe performed by folks dressed in clogs and silly hats trying to tap dance their way to success whilst singing either an appallingly bland ballad or a ridiculously geeky tune about everyone in Europe holding hands. The winning song will usually have a chorus which starts something like La, La, Hip Bop, Do Do, Da Da, and may mention something to the effect of we all love each other, I love you, Let’s Marry And Have Eurovision Babies – in a kind of bullshit, stick your fingers down your throat kind of way. Or, to put it simply, it’s a bit like a Police record – only without Sting and without any musical ability. Right,

janeturley 4 April 2011 7 Comments

Three years, Three Hundred Posts and a Caption Competition!

Just after Christmas I realised I’ve actually been blogging for three years and today marks my three hundredth post. Hoorah! It’s actually quite hard to believe I’m still scribing this blog, which started out as nothing more than a whimsical notion to find a creative outlet, but I am. I’d like to think there’s something meaningful in that achievement but the best I can come up with is – I probably like the sound of my own voice too much! Anyway, in honour of this momentous occasion, my original intention was to write a short summary of the highs and lows of my life and blog over the last three years – of which they have been many. However, I’ll be honest, that’s too much like hard work and I’m far too lazy. So instead I’m having a caption competition! (However, if you really want to find out more about My Witty Ways it’s all here in my blog posts – over three years of madcap but hopefully humorous ramblings, punctuated by the occasional moments of

janeturley 30 March 2011 37 Comments

A Letter To Phil Collins

Dear Phil, I’m not one to beat about the bush, so I’m going to get straight to the point. What is it with this retiring business? You’re only 60 – don’t you know the government has plans for us to work until we’re at least 75? Look, I know you’ve got a heap of cash but if folks like you don’t pay enough in taxes people like me will get our old age pensions reduced from a mere miserly pension to a non-existent pension. And I fancy eating more than beans on toast in my old age. Is it the reviews of Going Back? Is that it? Was it the negative feedback about not producing new material and covering Motown tracks? I really don’t think you should worry Phil – the album went to No 1 and I loved it! Besides, all the albums reviews were written by jumped-up youths barely out of their nappies. They weren’t

janeturley 29 March 2011 8 Comments

Insomina, Babies, Celebrity Mothers and Husbands Who Snore

Why, why, why do I have insomnia? I am cursed! Earlier tonight I woke up in the early hours – again. I stayed in bed thinking for a while hoping I’d drift off but, alas, nothing happened. Time passed, so eventually I got up and wandered downstairs to use the bathroom. Now, currently, I’m wearing a watch that doesn’t have a back light or luminous hands. Frankly, the watch is a nuisance as I like to track my insomnia (call me Mrs Peculiar) but it’s new and it was soooo attractive underneath that glass display counter that I forgot that being able to tell the time in the night is a fetish of mine. Okay… so I know it’s an odd fetish but well it’s not as bad as it could be; I don’t smear my body in mackerel oil and ask anyone to lick it off for example. That would be really peculiar – anyway I didn’t get any applicants. So I went

janeturley 27 March 2011 5 Comments

When the Mighty Fall

Over the past two weeks, I’m sure I’ve been one of many contemplating the devastating events in Japan. As restoration at the Fukushima nuclear power plant continues to make slow progress one cannot help but wonder how bad this disaster has yet to come. In terms of actual deaths already over 9,000 are confirmed dead and many more are still missing. In all probability, these early estimates will prove conservative. However, whilst each death is an individual tragedy, on a global scale these are comparatively small figures – the latest estimate for the Haiti disaster is 316,000 deaths with up to 3 million affected, the estimate for 2004 Tsunami is 230,000 deaths with another 1.3 million displaced and perhaps it is worth mentioning that everyday hundreds of children die from starvation and disease. In fact, according to Save the Children every year 3.1 million children die from the effects of malnutrition. Those are, quite simply, staggering figures. Yet, despite the relatively minor losses, the events in Japan may prove to be one of

janeturley 24 March 2011 4 Comments