The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Danger in the Bathroom

I know I shouldn’t laugh but this may possibly one of the funniest stories I’ve ever read. Apparently, some poor woman fell over in her bathroom and impaled herself on her loo roll holder. Okay, I hope the unlucky woman makes a full recovery obviously. I mean you wouldn’t want an epitaph like “speared by a loo roll holder” on your gravestone would you? It doesn’t really have that certain ring to it, does it? Anyway, what’s really creased me up is the quote from the fire officer: She apparently fell and the toilet paper holder just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t know about you, but I kinda like my loo roll in the bathroom. I mean, I could put it in the kitchen but it’s not really that handy situated next to the spice rack. Hmm… I guess instead of having a free standing loo roll or one

janeturley 22 March 2011 2 Comments

My First Attempt at Jam

Is the full moon over yet folks? I couldn’t tell with all that cloud cover last night. But I can’t stand much more of this cleaning lark. Yesterday, I was forced to clean out the fridge and, as a consequence, for the first time in my 46 years I did what millions of women have done before me – I made jam. Now, come on, avoiding making jam for 46 years is pretty good isn’t it? Especially when you’re a full time housewife. If it takes me another 46 years to build up the courage for a second batch – I wouldn’t actually do it – as I’d be dead. A comforting thought. I should say that I made jam because we had a surplus of strawberries in the fridge due to the boys having a sudden desire for fruit smoothies – and then suddenly not having a desire for fruit smoothies. Kids they’re so fickle aren’t they? So

janeturley 22 March 2011 2 Comments

Strange Goings On in The Turley Household

“Don’t let your mother outside Boys. There’s a full moon. Things are bad enough anyway.” It’s true. For several days I have been feeling “odd” and it doesn’t appear to be PMT. Strangely, I’ve been drawn to the night sky, mesmerized by the fullness of the moon. Spine tingling shivers have alternated with sudden bouts of feverish activity. At night, the ever cautious Mr T has chained me to the bed – worried that whilst he snores his wife might be carving up celebrity chefs. And, in the mornings, when he’s seen all is not lost I’ve been set free to roam the house, wandering amongst the rooms like some lost, forlorn soul. What’s been wrong with me? This morning, Readers, it finally dawned on me what the problem has been and what I had to do about it. So, with a sense of urgency, I pulled on my tracksuit bottoms, tied the laces on my trainers and set my stopwatch. I unlocked the front door and stepped outside, taking a deep breath ready to

janeturley 20 March 2011 6 Comments

He’s Good, He’s Bad, He’s Master Benedict

So I was on way back from tennis last night with the boys. It’s Master Ben’s turn to sit in the front seat. We’re listening to a Michael Jackson CD so I’ve already had a series of whoops and squeals from the Young Master in true Michael Jackson style… Suddenly, he turns to me and says; Mum? Have you ever seen a person with no arms or no legs? (Obviously had been thinking about Michael Jackson’s sorties into plastic surgery – I can think of no other explanation.) Mrs T: Why, yes. (Pause) In fact, I was at school who a girl who only had one hand. She had a false, plastic one that she wore… and at dinner time she used to unscrew it and screw in a fork. Master Ben: Didn’t you have nightmares? Mrs T: No. Why would I? Master Ben: Didn’t you dream she unscrewed it and screwed in

janeturley 19 March 2011 2 Comments

Trouble in the Office (Advice Wanted)

Right you lot get your thinking caps on. Mrs T’s friend, who shall be known as Mrs Doe, needs some advice on a tricky situation at work. Let me explain: Mrs Doe has been working in the same job for a good few years. It’s a specialized job and requires quite a lot of time in a small, confined room. Mostly, Mrs Doe is by herself but sometimes with a male colleague. Mrs Doe works part time so she doesn’t see this gentlemen all the time so when they meet he is always pleased to see her and quite generous in his greetings – in that he likes to hug her and give a peck on the cheek. Now this friendly greeting has been going on for a number of years and although Mrs Doe is not really comfortable with it, she has accepted that it’s part of his nature and with him being in a

janeturley 9 March 2011 25 Comments

Another Embarrassing Moment for Mrs T

What do children talk about at school? It’s worrying when you believe you’re teaching your children the right manners and behaviour and then they come under the influence of others and start to say and do things that you had no idea they were capable of. Take the following story for example… On Thursday, I was at the tennis club with Master Ben who’d just had a lesson with a new coach, Coach Mark. Ben’s next lesson should have been on the coming Saturday with his main coach but he was off representing the county. The following conversation ensued: Mrs T: I wonder Coach Mark whether you could fill in on Saturday? Coach Mark: I’m afraid not Mrs T, it’s my birthday and my wife is taking me into London for a treat. Mrs T: Oh well never mind. Actually it’s my birthday on Sunday too. Happy Birthday to us! Hurrah! (Yes, I do talk like that.

janeturley 8 March 2011 4 Comments

An Audio Walkabout

Yesterday, after our family wedding in Ireland and a few further weeks of self indulgence, I finally stood on the scales. And I stood on the scales. And I stood on the scales. And I stood on the scales. When I’d recovered from the heart attack I thought to myself; You stupid, stupid woman. Okay, so I think that most days. But yesterday I really meant it. I mean, a couple of biscuits and a glass of wine and wham bam I’m half a stone heavier! It’s that perimenopause I tell you, screwing up my system. So it’s back to the diet of bran and yogurt and walking for at least an hour a day. Groan, groan, groan. Why me? Why couldn’t I have been born some svelte-like willowy creature, instead of a tub of lard? Anyway, so I put on my tracksuit and prepared to steel myself against the bitter wind. Then I had a

janeturley 3 March 2011 4 Comments

Pilates, Feng Shui and Early Morning Rantings (Yes, I know, it’s a problem.)

It’s 3 am. I’m cold and I can’t sleep. Therefore I’m allowed to rant and be excused. Now, I’m not saying the woman who critiqued my novel has no sense of humour but I bet even Bugs Bunny would get short shrift from her. Bring it on Bugs that’s what I say. Floppy ears and big teeth does it for me all the time. (And those silky ears can do wonders for your sex life as well.) I think I should date Charlie Sheen actually. He’s one hell of a comedian – whichever way you look at it. I would love to interview him. I reckon after a few drinks and we got talking about his dad and that great film Apocalypse Now I could easily get Charlie to pretend he was a helicopter and whizz around the studio making buzzy noises. A tenner says I could do it. Twenty says I

janeturley 2 March 2011 4 Comments

Screwed Rotten

A couple of days ago I got a letter from Parcel Force, the UK postal service, advising me that a package I’d ordered from the United States had arrived. However, before it could be delivered I would have to pay import duty. Import duty? Well, it never even crossed my mind that I’d have to pay import duty as I’m not savvy about such things, I rarely travel and the only other things I’ve ever ordered from the US are two secondhand books which cost me £0.01p and £1.49 each on Amazon with £2.75 postage respectively. The first book was Franky Furbo by William Wharton and the other A Sinless Season by Damon Galgut, neither of which I could purchase in the UK for a reasonable sum. ( By the way I have written an article about Damon which also includes a review of his Man Booker nominated novel In A Strange Room over at The View From Here. There’s also an interview with Damon, and if you’ve

janeturley 27 February 2011 3 Comments

Strange Goings On in the Bathroom

Where do you go when you need thinking time? I always take myself off to the bathroom. I like to lie in hot, fragrant water. I find it a soothing experience and even though sometimes I may have something to cry about the very process is a cathartic, healing experience. I often put a flannel over my face and muse about whatever is troubling me, hoping to find that elusive solution. When you have a family the bathroom is the only place where there’s some real privacy and solitude although it may still frequently be disrupted by the needs of small children. In the past I’ve had the boys banging on the door with demands ranging from an urgent call of nature to settling a dispute over the Xbox. It can be quite frustrating at times to get out off the bath, dripping wet and cold, in order to resolve arguments or to find a missing football boot. Fortunately, as the boys grow older, I can now usually reslove most issues verbally (

janeturley 27 February 2011 No Comments

Supermarket woes

So after yesterday’s traumatic post about the reception my novel got in a professional critique I’m still weighing up my options. Do I carry on writing or do I get that job at Tescos which has been beckoning me for the last 5 years? And should I go for the meat counter or the fish counter? I’m not sure about either actually – I think I could work well amongst the vegetables. Alternatively, there’s the bakery section – I could play with buns all day, pick raisins out of my hair and I’d get to wear one of those amusing white hats. That would be a real treat. I reckon if I let a few obligatory stray hairs come loose and put on an thermal vest so I get all sweaty I’d actually look like I’d been working when, of course, I’d actually be out the back consuming all the chocolate chip cookies. Obviously, consuming the cookies would be a necessity as I’m the sort of person who always

janeturley 26 February 2011 4 Comments

Back to the Drawing Board

So I sent 4 revised chapters of my books for a critique. Here’s some words I’ve pulled out from the response; fatuous unfunny childish irritating The good news is that I am apparently a good enough writer to write successfully in any genre I please. Just not humour obviously. You know I wouldn’t be so upset if it wasn’t for the fact being humorous is essentially who I am. Sure, my humour isn’t everyone’s humour and I probably do overstep the mark at times but I’m finding this pretty difficult to deal with. It’s knocked my confidence a lot. So time to go back to the drawing board or to Tescos. You know the girls would like me in Tescos I think I’m pretty easy to get along with.

janeturley 25 February 2011 8 Comments