The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Un(literary) Quotes and a Little Bit of Silliness.

The other day I was over at the publisher Scott Pack’s website catching up with a few of his posts. There was one I particularly enjoyed about tattoos in which Scott asked folks to drop him a line telling him which literary quote they’d like tattooed on their body. Well, I was just about to put down my own favourite but then I thought… What the hell, I can make a whole post out of this. You see, I’m one of those people who love quotes in general. I even, and this may come as shock to those of you know me as a lazy, good for nothing slob, (which is pretty accurate) memorized one hundred (Yes, one hundred!) quotes for my O level English Literature. But do you know? Not one of the topics I learnt quotes for came up and I ended up with only a grade C. How unfair is that? Huh. Anyway, I can still remember a

janeturley 16 February 2011 No Comments

More (Un)Romantic Tales

So with it being Valentine Day yesterday and the the fact that I keep hearing the marvellous song Grenade by Bruno Mars I’ve been thinking about past Valentine Days. The Valentine Day that springs to mind was in 1986 when I was in my third year at university and had been with the same boyfriend since the first term in the first year. I’ll call him…. Twerp… just to make it easier you understand. Well Twerp and I had a lot in common. We both studied history, had older parents, were “entertainers”, loved the arts and acting. He had a brilliant mind too – and was probably the best raconteur that I’ve ever come across. No one delivered a punch line like he did. I’ve always thought it was tragic he never went into the theatre and chose the safety of the classroom. He was also nuts. Yep, nuts. It was a relationship

janeturley 15 February 2011 No Comments

Some lovely gifts and an(unromantic) tale

So anyway, there I was last week banging my head on the dining room table trying to figure out what to do with my novel when there’s a knock at the door. It’s the postman and he has a parcel for me, all way from the USA! Fortunately, it wasn’t a writ. It was a lovely parcel from my friend Marie over at Nourish! Being the dignified woman I am, I delicately removed the packaging, folded the wrapping paper and stored it away. Okay, I didn’t. I ripped it open whilst screaming “Yippee, yippee a prezzie for Mrs T! Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!” Yeah – I am that sad. I don’t get presents that often. Well not unless you count car parking tickets. So I ripped open the paper and found this beautiful scarf pictured below which is hand knitted by Marie herself! What can I say but a very big THANK YOU to Marie. It’s gorgeous

janeturley 14 February 2011 8 Comments

A Fatally Flawed Mrs T

Question: Am I trying to kill myself? It’s just after 4 am. I have insomnia again and I’ve been awake for the last hour mulling over the direction my writing is heading. I finally worked it out this week; I’m not going to be the next John Le Carre – I can’t write seriously for more than a couple of paragraphs. So I might as well just get on and write the bonkers stuff. So no Nobel prizes for literature for me. Maybe a turkey? So anyway, eventually, I decide I might as well get up and write. What’s the point in thinking about plots and scenarios? I know where I’m going now, so I might as well write it down since there’s no chance of drifting back to sleep. I grope for my fleecy jacket and make my way onto the landing. Immediately, I notice there’s a strange smell in the house… I raise my

janeturley 12 February 2011 16 Comments

Where have I been?

Yep, I guess you’ve been wondering where I’ve been? Yip, so have I. But I tell you what that spaceship was really wacko. I reckon if I replicate some of the interior I could easily make a killing at the next Ideal Homes Exhibition. Cos let’s face it some people have more money than sense don’t they? I mean who’d want a toaster shaped liked a bidet? Yeah, alright I was telling untruths again. It’s a bad habit. I wasn’t captured by aliens. Although, to be honest being fed and watered and not having to do the the housework really appeals. I could put up with prodding and an intelligence test in exchange for a nice room and decent spread once a day. On second thoughts…I suppose it might be false representation if I pretended I was a typical example of life on planet earth. I mean, I have two legs and two arms

janeturley 23 January 2011 4 Comments

How do you gauge getting old?

So just how do you gauge when you’re getting old? Is it how many wrinkles you’ve got? Is it when you get more aches and pains than you get birthday cards? Is it when you have more dead friends than alive ones? Is it when the doctor says There’s nothing I can do. You’ll just have to put up with it ? Is it when your children ask you where do you keep your will? Is it when you consider buying a Skoda because it’s economical? Is it when you go out to buy an evening dress and come back with thermal long johns? Is it when you watch The Antiques Roadshow and realise you are actually older than most of the so called “antiques” on display? Is it when you request a book at the library and the assistant directs you to the large print section? Is it when you stop saying You’d never

janeturley 11 January 2011 6 Comments

Teenage Sons, Insomnia and Day 5 of the Weight Loss Challenge.

Huh. I was going great guns with the diet and then on Day 5 I lost no weight. Nothing. Not even a flicker of movement on the Wii scales. So I did only do 45 mins exercise instead of the 60 minutes BUT I should have lost at least half a stone through the worry of having a teenage son. Seems only fair doesn’t it? Yep, so late afternoon on Thursday Young Sam springs it on me he needs a lift to the local big town for a pub crawl. The journey there and back is the best part of an hour and en route we discuss how he is to get safely home. He proposes to catch the last train back with his mates just after 12pm and then two of them will share a taxi home. I say I will wait up till 12ish in case there is a problem

janeturley 8 January 2011 9 Comments

Weight Loss Challenge Day 4 and a grumpy Mrs T in London

So the boys and I made it into London yesterday to see The Lion King which turned out to be a fantastic production. My boys were totally mesmerized – which is more than I can say for the young lad next to me who spent the entire time scoffing sweets, drinking fizzy pop and worse – breaking wind constantly after the interval. I tell you, I thought Young Sam’s underpants were a deadly weapon but by the time that lad grows into a adult he is going to find it seriously hard to find a girlfriend. Yep, as soon as he goes out on his first date it’ll be over cos no woman can take that kind of nasal assault for more than a minute. And as for kid behind me who kept kicking my chair….. Hmmm. And the tourists who kept talking… Arggggghhhh…. What is it with these people? Why pay a serious amount of money to go for a

janeturley 6 January 2011 4 Comments

The Weight Loss Challenge Day Three

Right, so after 3 full days on the diet I am 5lbs lighter. And I haven’t even cut off my toenails yet – how good is that?! I’m also suffering from no side effects like headaches, tiredness and queasiness as so often happens when starting a new dieting regime. In fact, I feel more awake than usual which is bizarre as I’ve added a hour of exercise each day which I haven’t done on a regular basis since the clocks went back in October. I ought to be completely knackered but I’m not -although irritatingly my insomnia has returned with a vengeance these past three nights and I’ve barely slept a wink. Now it could be my metabolism speeding up again and taking a few days to settle down or it could be I’m going to descend into another few months of the eternal sleepless hell. At the moment, I don’t feel particularly tired so I’m coping well without the rest but

janeturley 5 January 2011 3 Comments

Mrs T’s Weight Loss Challenge

Firstly, belated Christmas Greetings and my very best wishes for a Healthy and Happy New Year to you all. So you want the good news or the bad news first? Okay, so bad news is more interesting, so let’s get that done with first… Over Christmas I had a tummy bug. I’ll try to put this diplomatically without offending those of you with delicate sensibilities….well you know the post I wrote here about being caught short. Well it was kinda like that – only on Christmas Day and I was just about to sit down for my roast turkey! Now it could have been worse – I could have got the squits AND run out of loo roll. But I didn’t. Hoorah! Anyway, do you want some more bad news? Yesterday, I started yet another diet. Groan. However, being the eternal optimist hopefully I will have more success than my Hot Dish Diet and my Mad Axeman Diet. Yes, that’s means Dear Readers

janeturley 3 January 2011 3 Comments

My Little Superstars

It’s the school holidays again so it’s back to work entertaining my boys and preparing for Christmas. I can’t really complain as they’re lovely children and even though they drive me bonkers a good proportion of the time they also serve me up moments like this one a few weeks ago; Jacob and Ben pick up awards from former British No 1 tennis player and television presenter Andrew Castle. Jacob: U12 County Champion, U12 South County Champion, U14 South County finalist. Master Ben: South County U10 Champion, County U9 finalist and together ( not fighting for once) South County U13 doubles finalists. You know, it kinda made me feel proud. Shame about the tie. And the collar. And those ears. Other than that – pretty good!

janeturley 19 December 2010 7 Comments

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

There’s been so many recordings of Somewhere Over The Rainbow, the song first made famous by the great Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz. Up until recently my favourite recording of this timeless song was probably the one by the late Eva Cassidy. However, in the last few weeks I’ve been hearing the version by Hawaiian Israel Kamakawiwo’ole recorded in 1993 and I have to admit it has a certain addictive quality. It’s really quite bizarre how all three of these talented performers should have died so comparatively young; Judy was 47, Israel only 38 and Eva just 33. All three singers are so very different but I think all do equal justice to a truly wonderful song. We’re lucky they left behind such wonderful legacies. Enjoy. Judy Garland Eva Cassidy Israel Kamakawiw’ole

janeturley 16 December 2010 7 Comments