The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Bad Sex and Tony Blair; Are You Surprised?

“That night she cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me….On that night of 12 May 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. I devoured it to give me strength. I was an animal following my instinct…” Oh dear God, isn’t that quote hideous in every conceivable way! Excuse me while I stick my fingers down my throat! Crikey, isn’t it enough that Tony Blair screwed up the UK, help to start an illegal war and indoctrinated us with his mantra of political correctness and now we have to be exposed to this excruciating excerpt from his love life. Ugh! I just don’t want to read about him and Cherie doing “it”! And somebody fire his editor at Hutchinson. Really, did he seriously think the general public really wanted to read that drivel? No we did not! And what about that bland title? Blimey, it’s so boring. I

janeturley 26 October 2010 No Comments

Friday Chat

What, you lot have never had tummy troubles? I can’t believe it! There was I expecting at least some empathy for the dire predicament in my last post and the only person who coughs up the truth was Mr Davison (Admittedly, it was on behalf of his mother so I’m not sure she’d be exactly pleased with him.) Anyway, despite the reticence of you Readers to come clean I had a couple of emails about this delicate subject and one was from Mrs S from the Book Club whom I had mentioned in my previous post. Was there empathy and understanding in this email? No! What can I say? I was shocked, deeply shocked…. “We went for a walk on the Downs at the weekend and played our new family game of “spot Jane’s ****”. We did find a likely candidate but it was right in the middle of the

janeturley 15 October 2010 7 Comments

Tummy Troubles; An Embarrassing Tale of Gross Proportions

A word of warning; this is a ribald post which may offend those with delicate sensibilities. Read at your own risk! Right, last week I had tummy trouble. Yep, you know what I mean, folks – the squits. Now, we’ve all experienced those gripping stomach pains and the extra long and repeated sojourns to the bathroom. It’s not pleasant. Of course, it’s even more unpleasant when you aren’t near a bathroom… Cue long-winded story Well, over the last few months, I’ve been dieting and exercising almost daily. In the evenings, whilst the boys have their tennis practice, I take a hike up the local hills, which are a relatively short distance from the tennis club. So there I was last Wednesday evening, striding away at about 6pm, contemplating the larger issues in life such as; Why do dogs always crap in the centre of the path and never on the side? Why do some dog

janeturley 11 October 2010 11 Comments

I shouldn’t laugh BUT….

Let me explain. Firstly, for those of you lucky people who don’t have teenagers I need to point out a few things about the said species; 1. Teenagers are weird. They don’t wash for years and then wonder why they look like they have the plague. Then, all of a sudden, when you’ve finally given up lecturing them on the art of cleanliness they start showering every single day, draining every last drop of hot water out of the system so you have no option but to take a freezing cold shower – or end up not washing like a teenager. (Oh – the fact that they have spots is ALL YOUR FAULT because they inherited your genes – it absolutely has nothing to do with the fact that their face hasn’t seen soap and water since you stopped bathing them when they were 7.) 2. Teenagers talk in funny voices. Well….grunts actually. It sounds like a cross

janeturley 6 October 2010 9 Comments

An Interview with Paul Burman, Author.

Paul Burman is the author of The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore ( Paperbooks 2008),The Grease Monkey’s Tale (Legend Press 2010) and the short story At The Rawling’s Place (10 Journeys Legend Press 2010.) Born in the UK, Paul and his family emigrated to Australia in the late 1980s to pursue a new life. He has lived in Port Fairy for many years and worked full time as an English teacher whilst writing in his spare time. He has been writing since the age of 6. After the success of his first novel Paul now works less hours and spends more time devoted to writing. The Independent wrote that The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore “reveals an inventive, passionate and insightful writer.” Paul, it’s a long, hard track to publication and you’ve been writing since you were a child. How did you overcome all the obstacles and keep yourself

janeturley 30 September 2010 7 Comments

And then there were Four

So yesterday it finally happened. We packed the car with his belongings. His room, once his place of retreat and teenage clutter, looks forlorn and empty. The cupboards are stripped bare apart from a few scattered items he no longer wears. The television is wordless and redundant. The window is open and an autumnal breeze rustles the blinds and chills the room. All is quiet. Downstairs, it’s time to go. I hug my son, my first born child. There’s a tear in my eye but I won’t allow myself to cry. I see a tear in his eye too but he won’t allow himself to cry either. We both know it’s time for him to take the first footsteps to adulthood and independence. It’s time for a new adventure. The car pulls off the driveway. I wave as he disappears into the distance. Slowly, I make my way back to the chaotic kitchen where all the morning jobs still await me. What shall I do first?

janeturley 26 September 2010 2 Comments

Me and My (Potentially) Award Winning Cupcakes!

I’m sure most of you are aware that I am an excellent chef…there isn’t any type of pizza I haven’t unwrapped cooked. Or, indeed, any type of cake I haven’t eaten baked. Other women produce cakes with hints of lemon, cinnamon and coco but I like to challenge the status quo of cooking with my daring recipes. It’s not unknown, for example, for my cakes to contain hints of Mr Muscle, charcoal and sometimes even tinfoil. So, a few days ago, I was suitably thrilled when an email from a women’s magazine arrived in my inbox inviting me to enter a cupcake competition. My heart began to beat fast with the anticipation of winning a set of silicon spatulas or maybe even a new pinafore. Immediately, I clicked through and studied the pictures of a variety of cupcakes already submitted by my potential rivals. Naturally enough, there were some amazing entries…but I was not deterred. I, Mrs T, mistress of the kitchen, conqueror of

janeturley 23 September 2010 7 Comments

Leave Enid Blyton Alone!

No, no, no, no, no! Isn’t it bad enough that poor Enid Blyton has been criticized for years, accused of bigotry, racism and poor writing but now her publishers, Hodder, with the consent of her granddaughter, Sophie Smallwood, have rewritten the adventures of The Famous Five. That’s right – rewritten The Famous Five! The whole series has been dissected line by line and words deemed “old fashioned” have been substituted by the modern equivalent. For example, “mother” and “father” are now “mum” and “dad” and “tinkers” are “travellers.” Characters have been tampered with to be made to appear more equal and less gender specific; Anne no longer has dolls; she has teddy bears! If you’ve read my article A Childhood in Fiction, you’ll remember how significant The Famous Five series was in my development as a reader and how I loved those stories. I was reading those books in the early 1970s

janeturley 21 September 2010 6 Comments

Music Monday; Anything But Lady Gaga

What is this ridiculous obsession with Lady Gaga? All the media seem to be fascinated with her. I like my music and I must have heard her songs countless times – but I can’t actually remember any of them. Hmm… I think that’s telling me something. Anyway, such is the furore over Lady Gaga I anticipate any moment her saying something as daft as when John Lennon said the Beatles were “more popular than Jesus.” Well that line has been done… maybe she could go for “more popular than… brussel sprouts”? That sounds about right……Ohhhh…what about “more popular than Madonna?” Now that would really get ‘ol Madge annoyed wouldn’t it? She’d have to go on another fitness regime and then we’d all have to suffer her wearing a leotard and fishnets again…. Cripes, I’m feeling queasy….. Not half as queasy as when I saw Cher wearing that costume again at the MTV awards though…

janeturley 20 September 2010 3 Comments

Thoughts on A Pregnant Widow

In a few weeks time I’m off to the Cheltenham Literary Festival which is one of the biggest festivals of its type in the UK. It’s a two week event which hosts readings and interviews with some of the biggest literary stars and a number of presenters, actors and comedians who have also crossed over into the world of literature. I’m only going for a weekend but I’ve managed to get tickets to see Martin Amis, Sebastian Faulks, Jilly Cooper, Salman Rushdie and Andrew Motion. I’m also (wait for it!) going to a 3 hour journalists course! Um….I’m a little worried I’ll be the only student over 40 and the others will be “bright young things” but well…what the hell…I decided to bite the bullet and just go and see what happens. I guess I’m one of those people who just like learning and trying out new things. Anyway I’ve made an

janeturley 19 September 2010 3 Comments

Early Morning Musings

Well there’s a bonus of keeping waking at 5am recently – I get time to write! Yep, after weighing myself on the Wii ( I find an early morning shock wakes me up good and proper), watching the BBC news (gotta justify that television licence somehow) and making my breakfast of coffee and yogurt mixed with bran (good for the bowels), I make my way up to my study. I suspect in these early morning hours I have more time than most to watch the news as commuters are bolting down their breakfasts and rushing off on those tedious and often unpleasant journeys into work. As the autumn closes in and thoughts of winter draw nearer these journeys become longer and more stressful. I remember them only too well from my days working in the heart of London. Trains are delayed by anything from “leaves on the track” to passengers having heart attacks – it’s no

janeturley 17 September 2010 2 Comments

Gossipy Stuff

It’s that time of year again folks. You know the one I mean – no not autumn, although it is autumn. I mean when it’s the time of year to think about…. Christmas. Yes, I know it’s only September but hey, I used to work in retail! Yep, I’ve already got my Christmas cards! How impressive is that! Alright, I’ll let you into a secret…I never got around to sending last year’s cards. I know, I know, what a slob I am using last year’s Chrissy cards..how low can a woman stoop! In my case; pretty low. But thank goodness for email! One letter, a photo attachment and hey presto the deed is done! Brilliant! Saves paper, money, resources…. Hmm..now I’ve got myself thinking “green” I’m not sure if I’ll actually use last year’s cards. Maybe I’ll cut them up and make them into gift tags…… Oh come on! Don’t be churlish –

janeturley 16 September 2010 2 Comments