The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Back in Business!

Bad luck folks – I’m still alive! I know you’ve all been popping over here hoping to see Mr T post my obituary (“She was an appalliing housewife but she grew on me. No, wait a minute..she just grew…widthways”) but I am still in the land of living. Just. Although, if I keep sniffing the kids’ glue sticks that may soon change. Hey, it’s not my fault my eyesight is failing and I keep mistaking them for my Chapstick. In fact, if it wasn’t that my lips keep sticking together I’d never have noticed the difference. Anyway, it’s been the school holidays which accounts for my silence. Fortunately, the Reign of Terror is now over and the the little ones are back at school and Young Sam goes off to university at the end of the month. (Hoist the banners, ring the bells!) Yep, I’ve finally got rid of one – only 2 more to

janeturley 9 September 2010 4 Comments

School Holiday Anecdotes

Yep, it’s that time of year again when I’m tearing my hair out with the kids at home for 6 weeks. However, occasionally they do make me smile…… Mrs T is driving back home after meeting up with old college friends. Master Jacob and Master Ben are sitting in the back seat…… Master Ben; Mummy? Mrs T; Yes? Master Ben; How come your friends look much older than you do? Mrs T screeches to a halt, flings open door, jumps out of car and raises fist in air in manner akin to Andy Murray beating Roger Federer…. Mrs T; YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! ———————————— Mrs T is driving back from a tennis tournament. Master Jacob and Master Ben are sitting in back seat… Master Jacob; Mummy, is it true that Blondes are dumb? Mrs T; (A very short pause) Yes. However, they do say men prefer to have “fun” with Blondes – although they always

janeturley 18 August 2010 7 Comments

One Last Time

This afternoon at approximately 4 pm, when I open my front door, it will be over. 14 years, 3 children, several prams, a lot of footsteps, even more car miles and one worn out mother. There’s been times when I’ve gone out with my slippers on, driven into cars at the foot of my driveway, felt sick, and wanted to weep with the death of my parents. Sometimes I did weep. There’s been times when I’ve had to turn around because I’d forgotten lunches, swimming costumes, medicines and PE kits. There’s been acquaintances made and lost and friendships that have stood the test of time. Together we’ve experienced disappointments and frustrations, births and deaths, tears and laughter. There’s been wet days, rainy days and windy days. Days when I’ve skidded on ice, got stuck in the snow and days where I was so tired with my insomnia I pumped myself with caffeine and sugar just to get the kids

janeturley 21 July 2010 13 Comments

This Book is Brillant by Jane Turley

What are the universally hated professions? These days it appears it is bankers, (sorry Mr Intrepid!) closely followed by builders (Sorry Gary!) and naturally – the estate agent. (Anybody an estate agent out there? No? Phew, I can at least rant about them without feeling too guilty…) Oh, in my experience, solicitors are a bit of a pain in the arse as well. Have you ever known a solicitor to actually contact you and say they’ve done something on time? NO! They always wait for you to ring them and ask what’s happening and invariably the work has never been done. They’re always missing a mysterious piece of paper or waiting for the other person’s solicitor to send them another piece of mysterious paper….. I tell you, if I ever move house again I will be standing outside my solicitors with a red hot poker. You know, theoretically, you can actually conduct a house sale in about 2 weeks – not

janeturley 15 July 2010 10 Comments

Fairytale Kisses

Having been somewhat busy lately, I haven’t got around to writing many of my Music Monday posts. However, I thought I’d pop in briefly to play a couple of songs from the group Ben’s Brother of whom I’m growing increasingly fond. I’m currently listening to their album Beta Male Fairytales. I’m not good at putting music into categories but I suppose it’s what I would call a heavy pop sound whilst being a little more melodic than the norm. (Correct me if I wrong!) The lead singer, Jamie Hartman, named the group after his brother in whose shadow he lived as a teenager; his brother was a top notch student and sportsman and went on to work successfully in advertising. Jamie is quoted as saying; “I suppose I did live in his shadow….but I never hated him, which was fortunate because I could have ended up very bitter indeed. Our family has always been

janeturley 8 July 2010 1 Comment

No Returns

I’d never stolen anything before. Honest. It was the first time. I guess there’s a first time for everything. A first time for living, and a first time for dying. It slipped silently into my pocket. No one saw, no one ever does. Least of all him. I don’t exist as me. Just a useful puppet. A puppet with broken strings. It’s lavender fragrance. “Calming” it says on the bottle. It swirls, blends with the steaming water. The deep purple essence dilutes to shades of lilac bindweed, warm, inviting. My fleshy thighs fade to shapeless shadows. My breasts lie flat. No more womanly curves. Just an amorphous being who cooks, cleans, and draws clouds in the dust. Water trickles down the overflow. I don’t suppose many people have a waterfall for a requiem. The bottle sits on the shelf, carton discarded. The scent spirals upwards, weaving its way to freedom.

janeturley 8 July 2010 3 Comments

The End is Nigh!

The day is coming. Yes, it is! No, I’m not about to preach that the end of the world is approaching; I mean the day is getting nearer when I no longer have to do the school run. Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! Sound the trumpets, wave the flags and blow the horns. Notify the Queen! I will be a free woman at last! (Well, from 8am to 4pm anyway.) Yes, finally, after 14 years of the school run, my two younger sons will be catching the school bus from the end of our road and my eldest will (hopefully) be going off to university. Believe me, as this day draws closer you’ve never seen a happier woman than Mrs T – except perhaps Demi Moore when she hooked herself Ashton Kutcher. (That was before she realised the cost of the extra childcare.) Okay, okay get out your exercise book Mrs T… I am not jealous of Demi Moore I am not jealous of Demi

janeturley 1 July 2010 10 Comments

Warning; A Vitriolic Post! (May contain asterisks.)

Imagine a rather naughty swear word, put it into a couple of sentences and you might get something that reads like this: You can’t be serious! What the F***? Damned no good stinking rotten ******* system. Unbelievable ******* decision. I blame that idiot, Blair. May he burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity! Now I would like you to know, dear readers, that I wouldn’t actually say that. Because I am, as you are aware, a sweet English rose brought up to be polite and good mannered. I do, of course, think these things sometimes. My apologies to you all who thought my mind was also as sweet as my smile. I just can’t help it. Sometimes I do actually think rude words – I don’t mean to but I do. Sometimes I even think naughty things as well. In fact, today when American John Isner beat Nicolas Mahut at Wimbledon with a fifth set score of 70-68 in a marathon 11 hour match I thought to myself … I wouldn’t mind being his

janeturley 24 June 2010 6 Comments

Music Monday; Beauty in the Name of Bach

Here’s a performance I came across last week. I think it speaks for itself. I suggest you close your eyes and focus on the music not the video. It’s about 5 minutes long. I know nothing about classical music but to my mind that is utterly beautiful. Listening to it totally chills me out..and yet I can also hear so many emotions…..wonderful. James Rhodes’ website can be found here. He has recorded two CDs one which I have just taken delivery off called Razor blades, Little Pills and Big Pianos and his latest release Now Would All Freudians Stand Aside.

janeturley 21 June 2010 6 Comments

Early Morning Insomnia

The insomnia is back. Not that it ever went away but it has been much better in recent months. Not tonight though. So having lain in bed perusing over various matters I thought I might as well get up and do something before I drove myself nuts by deliberating too much with questions like these; a) Am I having a hot flush? ( Windows closed, thick winter quilt on) b) Does my itchy hand mean I have fleas or I’m about to spontaneously combust? (Skin repairing itself after scalding myself badly last weekend in the kitchen.) c) Do I have cervical cancer as a result of a medical cock-up? ( Letter arrived yesterday inviting me for smear test when I had one less than 2 years ago.) d) Is Doctor Who finally going to come a cropper after being trapped by all his enemies for supposedly causing the cracks in time? ( Penultimate episode to last in current series screened

janeturley 20 June 2010 8 Comments

The Afflictions of Facial Hair

I’ve been a little quiet this week because I’ve been very, very busy. Do you have any idea how long it takes to remove facial hair? No? Well let me tell you it can take me absolutely ages. In fact, the first thing I do in the morning even before checking my emails is to see what’s sprouted overnight. Cripes, sometimes seeing my facial hair is enough to make my face freeze into mock horror – rather like Joan River’s. At 6am that’s not ideal – imagine being stuck looking like a corpse for the rest of the day. Worrying, very worrying. Anyway, these terrifying moments usually occur after I’ve had a thorough defuzzing the previous morning. I get up with a spring in my step, look in the mirror and suddenly I see an enormous hair that’s the best part of a foot long. And I’m thinking… OH MY

janeturley 18 June 2010 5 Comments

Music Monday; What Happened to my Memory?

It’s official. My organisational skills and memory have gone completely down the pan. I think when I hit 40 they flew out of my brain and left a big vacant spot in my head on which one might hang a sign that reads “Out of Order.” Well that’s the polite way of putting it. Anyway, the tipping point was last Saturday afternoon. I completely forgot about a tennis match that Master Jacob was supposed to be playing in – the first time since he started competing about 6 years ago. Now as it happens, he couldn’t have played as that morning he’d sprained his ankle – but the point is I could have let the other folks know – so all together a bit of a bad show from Mrs T. Anyway, as a result, last week I decided to buy a new diary and be committed to writing everything down and becoming a super efficient mum like

janeturley 14 June 2010 12 Comments