I was on a packed commuter train last night and the guy next to me who, at a quick glance, was probably around thirty-years-old started to have a Skype call with his father. Awkward. If you’re familiar with our British commuter trains you’ll know there’s not much room and passengers are pretty much on top of each other. In other words, it can be pretty intimate and feigning total blindness and deafness during someone else’s conversation is not always easy.  So, this fella was ringing his father on his journey home. Once the usual pleasantries were over, I kinda expected some manly talk: business, cars, politics, football ….which is a little stereotypical I know but it was a public place so I didn’t think it would too personal. Anyway, it transpired that the young man wanted to tell his dad the names he and his wife had chosen for their

God, I am exhausted. Three nights with almost no sleep. 4 hours of commuting a day, a nine hour working day for which I spend 8.5 on my feet, propping up my kids with all their various issues, sorting out the huge financial mess my husband left us, trying to carve a career again at 53, sorting out all the housework, all the DIY. On top of this as I no longer have time to look after myself at all. Not that I did that much before but at least I found time for an occasional swim and to write. Now my writing career which was on the rise has plummeted and because I can’t find time to swim and I’m on my feet all day my knees have frozen up. I now have the knees of an eighty year old. Life sucks. But I’m not sorry my marriage is

My first day in my new job was easy. Too easy. I’m hoping it will become more challenging because my brain needs more stimulus. And the annoying part of not having enough stimulus is then I am thinking I could be at home writing a novel instead of having to work ridiculously long hours in retail. A job in publishing would do. I don’t have any formal publishing qualications but I’ve edited several books for other authors now and project managed my own three to completion. But, as always, age is big barrier even if you have transferable skills.  In the meantime, I’ll have to keep persuading folks out of their cash for luxury goods they don’t really need! Or directing them to the toilets which seems to come with the territory. I think I did about ten requests for the loos yesterday, as well as one for vacuum cleaners,

On Friday I was offered a temporary job until May 31st in London. The £522 trainfare per month is going to eat into my salary but it’s a job and gives me breathing space. The last few weeks have been hell. Some days I have felt physically sick knowing that in a few weeks time I would not be able to pay the bills. £72.00 a week job seekers allowance doesn’t go far. There were even a couple of days I had to force myself to get out of bed. The best I could manage was to scroll through the job sites and submit my CV and, at times, that took all my willpower. I had 18 days out of work but, for the main part, was unable to do anything but the barest of essentials. These are classic symptoms of anxiety and depression. Fortunately, I have enough self-awareness and

Abuse comes in many forms. I’ve always been extremely discreet about my private life on this blog. However, with the #metoo campaign still gathering momentum I am reviewing whether I should stay silent much longer. Being discreet, protecting my children, hasn’t made my husband more cooperative or communicative. If anything staying silent allows him to keep viewing me as a doormat. If I didn’t have children there is no way I would put up with the crap I have done. I would have been gone like the wind. Over the last few days, there are been more revelations about abuse by Oxfam workers. It seems some workers were dismissed for their abusive and exploitative behaviour and others were given the chance to jump ship. The sexual abuse of women and children has been rife in the news for a good few years now. How disheartening to find out that it exists even amongst the

The last few years have definitely felt like a mission impossible for me. And it’s not looking like its going to get much easier soon. However, at least I’ve got something to look forward to. Tom’s new movie! Awesome. He may well be nuts but most us are in our own way ( I think I qualify) and he makes a darn good movie. Sadly, I’ve still got to wait until July. Bah humbug.

I am currently in the social area of a large British university as Master Ben is on a day course. It is filled with chairs and tables and lots of plug sockets. It is a kind of social work place for the students with lots of nooks and crannies and even some private booths with large computer screens. I don’t recall anything like this in my day at Uni. There was a bar of course and a library but not really a social workplace. It’s a kind of relaxed place where you can meet your fellow students or lecturers for informal sessions or to work. There is also a cafe. So I set myself up to apply for jobs all day in a suitable spot. However, to my huge disappointment I discovered I’d forgotten the lead to my PC (my battery only lasts an hour at most) which would mean

Since I have some time on my hands I’ve come up with some practical advice to anyone struggling in a relationship. I’ve put a lot of thought into it as you will see. Here it is: As soon as your partner starts treating you like shit, dump them. It will not get better.  Boy, I think I could have a career in this counselling business! I’ve managed to sum up in two lines what it takes most self-help authors an entire book! Maybe I could write a book entitled Fifty Ways to Leave Your Spouse. This would consist of 48 repeated lines of: As soon as your partner starts treating you like shit, dump them. It will not get better. Followed by: Take all their credit cards. And slash their trousers discreetly in the crotch area so they don’t realise until they’re on The Tube and being arrested for indecent exposure.

Since I have more time on my hands I have decided I shall write a little. Today has been a really tough day. I didn’t sleep last night as I am feeling anxious and was bitterly disappointed at not getting the job I interviewed for yesterday. Had I got the role it would be a huge game-changer for me and my boys. But there’s no point thinking it over too much – that’s easier said than done of course so today has been a very tough day as I’ve tried to kick myself out of a negative mindset. So I’ve spent numerous hours wading through job sites looking for jobs that might fit. I’m trying to find one on an equivalent pay or more as taking a hit on the salary scale would be a major setback. I’ve bookmarked some recruitment consultants to pursue in the next few days. What

Sadly, positive thinking wasn’t enough. I did the best I could up against two internal much younger  male candidates. I actually thought when I came out of the room I might have got it. Apparently, it was a close run thing. Possibly. But I’m a 52 year old woman. I guess the odds were stacked against me no matter how well I performed. Now I have one month to find a job or the boys and I are in deep trouble. I’d like to think my husband would help out but he blatantly doesn’t give a shit. I’ve only just had a £200 contribution to my son’s £800 airfare that I paid back in November. Since then I’ve had his car insurance and breakdown cover and he’s not contributed to those at all. I feel sorry for my boys. I’m trying my very best and it’s just not good enough.

I am a great believer in positive thinking. Even when the crap keeps coming your way. Okay, so I am being made redundant on Wednesday. It was moved a month forward (too long to explain) which has given me less time to find a job. Luckily, (or unluckily as it turns out) I was offered a job fairly quickly with the added bonus of a nice pay rise just before Christmas. But after having picked up the contract a few days ago I can only describe it as a “third world” contract. After discussions and alterations, I am still not happy.  I am not happy to the extent I have withdrawn my interest in the job as it has the potential to put me in an extremely vulnerable position. Frankly, I am shocked that such a contract even exists in the UK. So I have got another job interview on

I have had a number of requests from different sources to update my blog so, finally, here I am. Firstly, I want to thank all those of you who have continued to pop over here over the course of the last year. It has been heartening to see that my blog has not been entirely abandoned and that people still want to read my musings or check on my wellbeing. Thank you all very much. So, the last year has not been easy. There have been many times I’ve wanted to let off steam on my blog. However, I decided that for the moment, at least, I will not directly write about the traumas I have been going through. I am not yet divorced, primarily because my life has been so chaotic with endless problems arising that I have not yet completed all the paperwork. But I shall be granted a