The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

New Thoughts, Different Voices and Fresh Avenues for The View From Here

I have a little exciting news especially for those amongst you who are interested in writing with a view to publication. The View From Here, for whom I have been writing for over a year now, has entered into a ground breaking agreement in the publishing world. Yesterday The Bookseller broke the news that a formal agreement has been reached between The View and 14 publishers who have agreed to work with The View From Here to help identify the best new and emerging writers. As part of this agreement the publishers will receive monthly printed copies of The View enabling them to have ready access to writers and poets who have already been spotted by The View editorial team. In the UK the publishers are Random House, Bloomsbury, Canongate, Penguin Books, Fourth Estate, Faber & Faber, Little Brown Book Group, Legend Press, Alma Books & Tindal Street Press. These

janeturley 19 March 2010 No Comments

Who is Sir Geoffrey Boycott?

I realise I’ve been presumptuous. In a recent blog I talked about Sir Geoffrey Boycott assuming everyone out there would know who he is. Then afterwards, I thought that maybe some folks wouldn’t have any idea who Sir Geoffrey is, especially in America. My readers in India, Australia and South Africa I’m sure are only to familiar with the entertaining Sir Geoffrey but I feel, for the benefit of those who don’t, I should offer a description. Well, Sir Geoffrey is a cricketeer. Yes, that’s right. He’s a small greenish insect of the insect family Cricketeerhopperupus that starred in the Disney film Geoffrey and the Cricketeers. (A Bug’s Life VI.) Now, this may seem unbelievable but the film was a roaring success in the UK dealing as it did with how the incredibly sweet natured Geoffrey, a small town cricketeer with humble beginnings in Yorkshire, rose from rag to riches

janeturley 17 March 2010 4 Comments

Healthy Eating and How it is Killing me. (Subtitled: Get Gordon Brown Out of Office!)

You know, I know exactly how some of my American friends must have felt about having that idiot George Bush in the Oval Office. We’ve have the same problem over here at the moment with that idiot Gordon Brown – or more precisely the Labour Party. After a while you just want to bop them on the head with a large frying pan or squash a gigantic custard pie in their face. I know, I know – I’ve ranted before about the government and the trend for political correctness, the expenses scandal and the deteriorating education system. But come on, I haven’t even touched the surface have I? What about the “illegal” war in Iraq or the unexplained death of Dr David Kelly? But now something has really got me mad. So mad I’m about to explode. (And it may not be a pretty sight.) Yes, I’ve had yet another

janeturley 16 March 2010 8 Comments

Boredom, magazines and Jennifer Anniston

Blimey, I’m having a couple of funny days. Have you ever had a day when you’ve got absolutely stacks do but just can’t settle to it? When you are fundamentally bored out of your mind? Yep, I had one of those yesterday and I can tell I’m gonna have another today. I’ve read blogs, news headlines, looked at threads on Blog Catalog, surfed the net looking for that elusive something that’s going to fire me up. No can do. Nothing is happening in my brain. It’s in that “Almost Dead” mode. You know the one where you can look at an anagram for 2 hours work out that 14 letters spell Geoffrey Boycott but not work out that the remaining three letters I R S spell SIR. Yep, I did that yesterday. And then Mrs A, Mrs S and I from the Book Club and our respective partners lost the

janeturley 14 March 2010 8 Comments

Flash Fiction; An Enterprising Story

Just before he jumped Gerald cleared his mind of everything except the image of Claire as he’d last seen her dressed as Mr Spock at a Star Trek convention. For years Claire had plagued him with her obsession but the look on Leonard Nimoy’s face when she’d asked him to autograph twenty-three books was the breaking point. He’d get his revenge by making her the subject of ridicule as the woman whose husband had killed himself dressed as a wombat. He’d considered dressing for the big day as a Vulcan just to get his message across but instead he’d randomly chosen a wombat. Claire wouldn’t be able to figure out why – no matter how much “logic” she applied. In fact, she’d probably write to Leonard for advice. As usual, he’d reply with a signed photo with the postscript “Live long and prosper” which, for once, would have a certain

janeturley 5 March 2010 12 Comments

Birthdays, Bras and a whole load of stuff about me.

Do you want the good news or the bad news first folks? Okay, lets get the bad news over with first; On Saturday I am 45 years old. Bugger. I could elaborate on that statement but as you know this is a “clean” site. About as “clean” as my bathroom. Ho hum. Yep, I can feel the Grim Reaper moving closer, rattling his bones, waving his scythe. And I still haven’t done any of the things I dreamt about doing when I was the child. Mind you, having designs to pilot the first spacecraft to Venus probably was a little ambitious. As was becoming Miss World. What can I say? As a child my parents didn’t believe in having mirrors. Well I guess I’ve done the family bit anyway. Although I originally thought I’d have five children, then I gave birth and took a different view on matters. It sort

janeturley 2 March 2010 16 Comments

Dreams do come true… Just not the way you think!

Now I’m sorry to bring up this subject again but well let’s talk James Bond, 007. Now I’ve had a fetish for OO7 since I read all Ian Fleming’s books in my early teens. I love thrillers, spy stories and all that secret agent stuff. All that excitement! Wow, I love it! I’m not sure, having imagined myself as a secret agent for the best part of my life, how I’ve ended up as a dowdy housewife though. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. By the way, If the FBI are reading this please note I’m ready for my mission! (I’m assuming you pay better than MI5- cos we are just so tight in this country it’s untrue. And I do get a gun don’t I? Cos, you know, with MI5 I’d only get a brolly and a small packet of Jelly Babies. Boy, that is so disappointing….) Anyway, being the

janeturley 1 March 2010 2 Comments

In Pursuit of Excellence

Today I made a decision. I decided that I can no longer watch Jacob, aged just 11, play tennis anymore. It breaks my heart really that I will be unable to be there with him but the stress of watching him play is becoming too much. This morning whilst we were travelling to a tournament my left arm was actually aching and… well it’s not a nice feeling that you might be going to have a heart attack. It’s surprising really. I’ve been in far more stressful situations, so maybe it’s also age, weight, several years of underlying stress all rolled up into one. But I guess there’s nothing more traumatic than watching your own child under duress. I’ve been building up to this for sometime; it’s upsetting whenever your child loses but I guess, underneath, I’m even more disappointed at the approach of Lawn Tennis Association. Tennis in this

janeturley 27 February 2010 10 Comments

Nightmare on Turley Street

I’m back! Last week was half term so I was tied up as usual. (Those boys can be really brutal.) Anyway, they were due back to school on Monday, so naturally, when the big day arrived I threw back the curtains with an enthusiasm only matched by the discovery of a hidden KitKat in the pantry. However, my delight soon turned to horror at what I saw before me. What did I see? Nope, it wasn’t the cat relieving itself on my neighbours plants. (Which is actually quite an appealing scenario.) It was snow. Yeah, snow. Again. Can I just say something? Please, please God no more snow! Look, I know I’ve been a naughty girl but please don’t punish me with anymore snow! I promise to be a good girl from now on and to be really, really careful when reversing. I will also try to curb my swearing,

janeturley 23 February 2010 5 Comments

A Formal Complaint about…. Socks

Folks, you know I’m a good natured woman, who hardly ever says anything out of turn or drops a verbal clanger, so I hope you won’t mind if today if I use a word that you rarely hear uttered out of my sweet lips because I want to talk about socks. Yes, socks. Look, what is it with these little f*****s ? Where do they go? I swear to God they have a mind of their own! One minute I have a nice pair of cosy socks to keep my tootsies warm and the next minute they’ve disappeared into oblivion! Yep, I can search under the beds, in the linen baskets and drawers, in every nook and cranny are the little f*****s cannot be found anywhere! I am always, always, left with a huge pile of odd socks. It is soooooo unfair. Strangely enough, it’s not even just the old

janeturley 7 February 2010 10 Comments

Not Another Back Seat Driver!

I’m going to moan. No, no, no! Not another back seat driver in the family! I can’t stand it! It’s bad enough Mr T huffing and puffing every time he gets into the car with me and cowering like some wounded animal and his sister hyperventilating and stabbing her foot down on an imaginary brake pedal but now I also have to put up with Master Sam moaning too. Yep, Master Sam ,who hasn’t as much looked out the window for the last 18 years, unless it was to uncannily spot a MacDonald’s sign, has taken to back seat driving as well. God help me! Yep, Master Sam is not long off taking his driving test and suddenly he has become an expert in driving techniques, indicators, roundabouts… you name it has an opinion on it. It is sending me nuts! And being a bloke, he has the unhappy knack

janeturley 29 January 2010 19 Comments

Is George Clooney the only man ever to look good in a beard?

It’s early morning; the kinda time when I get serious and start philosophizing. So I just wanted to ask this question… Is George Clooney the only man in existence who has ever looked good in a beard??? (I’m going to exclude Jesus here because I don’t want to be deducted any brownie points.) Yep, I’m afraid the answer is a resounding yes. And he’s even managed to coordinate the grey with his hair! Stunning, simply stunning. Yep, I’d sacrifice myself to pimples and mild facial abrasions just to snog George with a beard. And look at those eyes! Grrrrrrrrrr! Darn it, I’ve always preferred older men (although I rule out the over 70s – well unless it 70 million.) I mean when you can date an older guy who’s seen a bit of life and is (cough, cough) experienced and looks like George why would you date a guy barely

janeturley 23 January 2010 15 Comments