The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Six ways to change the world

I have to thank Mr Intrepid over at Intrepid Ideas for the inspiration for this post. Apparently Google are running a competition with a $10, 000,000 prize. Wow! The prize is justifiably big as they are looking for ideas that might change the world. Well, I had a think and these are some ideas I came up with; 1. I will create a renewable energy source. This is how it will work; I will be strapped into a chair with electrodes on my hands, feet and head that will transmit energy impulses from my body to a battery that will then generate enough electricity for the whole of the UK. How will this concept actually work? Ok… I will be forced (and I use that term lightly) to watch moving images and stills of Pierce Brosnan in compromising positions on a giant sized film screen…. Obviously my resulting body heat

janeturley 27 September 2008 28 Comments

The Honest Blogger (Ho, hum)

Okay, this is a quickie. Well I hope so but you know sometimes I just go off on a tangent so forgive me if it suddenly becomes an essay. Talking off essays I ‘m so glad I’m not a student anymore. I had enough trouble getting my arse out of bed without such things as computers, ipods and Wii’s to distract me. Also, the other day I found a pile of my old essays in the loft ( Okay, when I say “pile” I actually mean a “handful”) and started having a browse through them thinking “Oh my goodness did I really write that!” For example on an essay entitled “What was the nature of Caesarism in France after 1848?” I’d written; “After Boulanger’s victory at the Paris by-election of 1889 France seemed to be on the verge of a new era. It was at this point that the Boulanger

janeturley 23 September 2008 13 Comments

Somebody tell George to stay inside!

Oh blimey, George Michael has been at it again! As if it wasn’t bad enough being caught red handed (excuse the pun) in a public toilet in LA back in 1998 he’s now just be caught with crack cocaine in the loos on Hampstead Heath! I find it strange that someone as handsome, rich and as supremely talented as George feels the need to expose himself this way. Maybe its part of his creative process, maybe he’s lonely, maybe with his fame he doesn’t trust those who surround him and seeks solace in sex and drugs. Who knows. The reasoning is his and his alone. I guess he’s had some tumultuous times in his life that perhaps money and fame have only exacerbated. I’d rather like to see him reach that stage in life where he is at peace with himself and sooner rather than later. But hey, George is

janeturley 21 September 2008 16 Comments

A Village Affair

Okay, if you haven’t worked it out by now; I live in a village. It’s very small but you know there’s such scandalous goings on here it would make a Joanna Trollope book look positively staid. You know the other day I heard some terribly exciting news… The roses were still in bloom at no 43! Can you believe it? But shockingly, I also heard Mrs Cartwright hadn’t collected the milk from her doorstep until 11am. Outrageous! I shall have to lodge a complaint with the parish council… fancy leaving the milk outside to be harassed by vicious scavenging Blue Tits. Before long we could be overtaken by a squadron of suicidal Tits with little white bands around their heads emblazoned with The Rising Sun…… And as for those starlings I can barely chuck the bread out on the lawn before they’re swooping on me like a scene from Alfred

janeturley 18 September 2008 21 Comments

It’s nearly Christmas…

Well, no… actually it isn’t. But Master Benedict who is 7 years old clearly thinks it is because yesterday I discovered a letter to Santa in his room; Dear Farmer Christmas May I have a big telly for Sky please and a chicken. Hmmm. Perhaps I should get him a hearing test? However, the use of the word “farmer” maybe something to do with his obsession with chickens lately. In fact, he’s been counting out the pennies in his wallet because he wants to buy a chicken. Not a dead one obviously, a real live one. (Personally, the only chickens I like are the ones that come with stuffing.) Now Master Benedict tells me that we could have one for only £30 (Seems a bit pricey to me when I can get a roasted one for a fiver) and that he would collect its little eggs daily and we could

janeturley 10 September 2008 13 Comments

My 51st post! (Brace yourselves; it could be worse than normal!)

Before the final (and rather late) instalment to my quest for The Blarney Stone, I just like to say… Cripes, my last post was my fiftieth and I’m going to make a whole post out of my achieving the grand number of 50 posts! Kinda cheating don’t you think? But who cares, it’s more fun than cleaning the fat out of grill pan, de-scaling the kettle and certainly the hideous task of scrubbing Master Sam’s underpants. However, whilst blogging is fun it is not as good as throwing darts at a picture of Tom Cruise which is extremely satisfying. My accuracy has certainly improved since I started using Mr Cruise as a target; I’m not sure why… maybe it’s because I haven’t felt the same way about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs since I saw Top Gun. I did briefly try substituting a picture of George Clooney but my

janeturley 2 September 2008 21 Comments

Just for Paul

This is a very special post and especially for Paul Burman. As many of you know, Paul has been a very welcome and thoroughly entertaining new commentator on my blog in recent months. Paul has been writing for years but on August 30th his very first book entitled The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore was published. I’ve spent a lot of time ribbing him about that title but actually I think it’s very lyrical and I very much look forward to reading his book. Yesterday, I went to that veritable place that purports to be Milton Keynes, a major shopping centre in the UK. As usual, I’d left all my school shopping to the last moment – ‘cos that’s just the way I am! In addition, I love the challenge of whipping away that last pair of size 7-8 trousers from under someone else’s nose, the search for shirts

janeturley 1 September 2008 8 Comments

A wet day in Ireland (again)

Hmm..where did I leave off? Oh yes, it was raining and my lips were rubbery. (Damn that Westlife poster!) Well after visiting the Giant’s Causeway and failing to find the Blarney Stone I sank into a severe depression until, by chance, I met a scantily dressed young man upon a slippery sidewalk who said to me in dark, mysterious tones; “Mistress Turley, you must climb these mountainous steps and fight your way past the young Guardians until you reach a dark tunnel of hideous proportions. You must conquer your fears and enter it. You will be plunged into darkness and horror and you will see your life flash before you. But at the journey’s end you will find a mystical pool where The Blarney Stone lies bathed in a wondrous green light!” Following his advice, I trudged wearily up numerous flights of wet, slimy steps which had been smoothed by

janeturley 17 August 2008 9 Comments

A bit more blarney and a lot of rain

Rain, rain, rain. Don’t you just love it? Yes, yes I know it’s essential for growing crops and maybe in 20 years time I’ll be praying for it to rain because the land will be arid and desolate but why, why, WHY does it always have to rain when I’m on holiday? Yep, I’ve been doing a good impression of a drowned rat here in Ireland which has been hampering my quest for The Blarney Stone somewhat. Only yesterday, I was wading down a stream towards an interesting boulder when the current surged and I ended up with my bottom wedged in a nearby bridge. It was most undignified. However, the local beavers were extremely pleased; I had to pay them off with an offer of some subsidised dental work otherwise they were going to make me stay there indefinitely. Huh, what beavers will turn to just to get some

janeturley 12 August 2008 12 Comments

The Quest Begins

Ireland, The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of The Housewife Extraordinaire. Her two week mission is to explore strange new worlds. To seek out leprechauns and fairies. To boldly find what no woman has found before….. The Blarney Stone Yep, that’s right. Mrs T has departed to Ireland for her hols because it has come to her attention that she has not been talking enough gibberish. I have been far too sensible lately and that is not acceptable! This must be put to rights. I intend to seek out The Blarney Stone which is a mystical stone said to bestow upon those who kiss it with the “gift of the gab.” Apparently, The Blarney Stone is situated at Blarney Castle in Cork but I believe this a vicious rumour circulated by the Knights of Blarney in order to prevent the whereabouts of the real stone from being located… I

janeturley 5 August 2008 8 Comments

Help! It’s the School Holidays!

Well this will be a very short post because it’s that dreaded time of year…The School Holidays. Of course, whilst I relish the idea of not doing The School Run, I’m still Mrs T’s Taxi Service running my Terrible Trio in my deadly Cmax all over the place. Our summer vacation to Ireland approaches too so I’m vaguely thinking about packing some stuff but as usual I will endeavour to leave it to the very last moment just so I can remember what the word “excitement” means. “Excitement” usually means a giant sized bar of Cadburys these days but the stress of packing which always nearly brings Mr T and I to blows is always good for letting out a little bit of pent up frustration. At the moment I’m trying to figure out how to get Mr T’s fishing rods into a 4×4 sq inch space. Fortunately, I have

janeturley 30 July 2008 10 Comments

Mrs T is back with a load of gibberish..

The last week has not been one of my best. The bad news of my last post set me off on one of my rollercoaster emotional periods which for Mrs T is like having laboured over the preparation of the most exquisite meal I have ever attempted (home made sausages rather than the shop bought ones) and then to drop the lot just as I’m about to serve it up to an eagerly awaiting Mr Brosnan. Not good! To top it off this week I had my first proper interview for a job for about 12 or 13 years which induced some mixed feelings. (These are the same mixed feelings that I normally reserve for viewing Sylvester Stallone movies; i.e. boy is his body hot but he just can’t act….) To continue… Surprisingly, I was not particularly nervous about this interview because I knew I could do the job and

janeturley 17 July 2008 18 Comments