The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Mrs T takes a leave of absence……

*Ding dong* the doorbell chimes, and Mrs T excitedly walks to the door. “Oh Pierce. It is you! I always knew this moment would come!” Mrs T croons. “Jane, my love, can I come in?” Pierce smoothly replies. His eyes smouldering with passion. “Of course Pierce. Please. Come in.” Mrs T replies. Her nightrobe falling slightly open to reveal her tazmanian devil nightie, with stains of a Cadbury caramel bar. “Oh, do excuse the stain!” Mrs T says, as she starts to suck on the chocolatey goodness stain. “GO! GO! G O! Hold her down. No, harder. She is escaping! Come on…just a second more. OK, I got the sleeves around the back and the straps done up. That’s it. Take her away!” *cue face peeled off a’la mission impossible styleeee* Ahaaaaa! It is I. Master Sy. It is time to end this insanity of Mrs T’s. Dear readers, after

janeturley 16 July 2008 15 Comments

A life worth living

I was going to write a humorous post today. But I’ve had a change of heart. I’d like to tell you a story instead. I hope you don’t mind. This is the story of Divya. I first met Divya when she was in her early twenties. She was born in the UK to parents who had emigrated here from India. She was a pretty, petite woman. She was skinny but also had a quite sensual appearance with long dark curly hair, big brown eyes and the sallow skin inherited from her parents. I suspect she must have quite a tough upbringing in many ways. She was raised in a small red brick terrace that opened directly onto the street in a large urban town and I’m guessing there wasn’t a lot of money for life’s little luxuries. I suspect Divya struggled too with cultural differences. From what I ascertain, her

janeturley 10 July 2008 14 Comments

Knowledge & Music

Now Mrs T has a little announcement. Firstly, no, I’m not pregnant! In fact, I’d rather smear myself in lard and climb in the Lion’s den at London zoo than live through another pregnancy. The only benefit about being pregnant is the excuse one has for “eating for two” which unfortunately backfires when you realise that it is a HUGE fib put out about by the likes of Sheila Kitzinger that all the weight will dramatically fall off you if you breast feed. Lies, all lies! And what’s more it actively encourages you to become addicted to lovely fattening goodies you wouldn’t normally have eaten. (Well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!) Now what was that announcement? Ah yes…. Pierce and I…….. Oh no it was the other one….. Now Mrs T has very kindly been invited by Mike French of The View From Here to administer its

janeturley 4 July 2008 32 Comments

A little bit of silliness

Oh dear. Last night Mrs T had one of her major cooking disasters. I decided to cook lamb chops, fried in a little olive oil. (Noticed how delicately I wrote that… as if I actually cared…. )Anyhow this was supposed to be a little treat for my boys as Master Sam has finished his O Levels, Master Jacob received two awards on Saturday for football (Player’s Player and Supporters player) and Master Benedict got Player’s Player for his team. Mrs T was even more pleased because on Friday Master Jacob was asked to train with the County Tennis Squad. Finally. And Mrs T is very, very proud of her little boy because I doubt if there a sweeter, more deserving boy. Anyhow back to the lamb chops. Well I divided them into two pans. One has more chops in than the other and the one with less in begins to

janeturley 2 July 2008 14 Comments

A plague, a plague upon Mrs N !

I haven’t mentioned Mrs N before. Now I am. She is driving me Crrazzzy; let me explain. Mrs N is a fellow tennis mum who has identical teenage twin sons who are exceptional at tennis and often coach the Young Masters. Mrs N likes to flaunt her handsome sons with their lithe figures and long legs at me. She is an evil, evil woman; almost as wicked as Mrs A! (But that’s just not possible.) Now, Mrs N is even more enthuasstic about tennis than Mrs T, which on the one hand is very good, and on the other hand means she NEVER stops emailing me about the subject. Now as Mrs T is editor of the tennis club newsletter Mrs N emails her almost daily with article upon article until Mrs T, overwhelmed by work and at the point of a nervous breakdown sent Mrs N this email (edited

janeturley 26 June 2008 16 Comments

Pride Comes Before A Fall

Oh that’s a bit of a cliché title. But it’s quite accurate isn’t it? We’ve all known someone, or maybe it’s even happened to you, where pride or vanity has preceded a disastrous fall from grace or possibly a severe attack of acne. Think Margaret Thatcher ousted from power or Brittany Spears covered in boils. ( No, actually don’t think Brittany Spears covered in boils that gal needs a break and she’s young so she’s entitled to have spots – OK – think Joan Rivers covered in boils instead. Oh yes that’s muccccch better. Mind you it’s possible the boils could be mistaken for some loose beadwork or possibly even her nipples.) Now Mrs T has no pride. Why, she will happily consume huge bars of chocolate and allow her legs to rival a 500 year oak tree for “Best Trunk of the Year.” She freely admits to the world

janeturley 19 June 2008 19 Comments

Disconnected Consortium

Hello Readers! Now Mrs T would like to introduce you a new website that has been developed by her friend and fellow blogger Master Sy of The Wheel is Turning but The Hamster is Dead. Yes, that’s right – the other British nutter! Well, Master Sy had this great idea of creating a website which he has called Disconnected Consortium which would have lots of contributors; bloggers from all across the world who have something to say about Life, The Universe, George Bush, The Eurovision Song Contest and maybe even those irritating drawing pins that stuck in the sole of your shoe. Get my drift? That’s pretty much anything then! What’s more it’s likely this site could be full of surprises because it may be the case that this is where people will publish posts that don’t fit in with the style of their usual blogs. ( Oh the thought

janeturley 11 June 2008 18 Comments

A Book Tag (which went disastrously wrong.)

STOP! ….In the name of love…….. Oh lord….I’m off into my Diana Ross impression…. (Never a good sign – it usually means impending madness will soon follow…) Anyway…yes do stop and get a coffee because this is a book tag and as I’m rather fond of books I’m probably going to go on for some considerable time. (Again.) Is that OK? I hope so…. Well, my thanks to Mrs G (Eve’s Lungs) for passing me this book tag. I really enjoyed the last tag from Usha; so we’ll just have to see what happens with this one! It may not of course actually follow exactly as per the instructions… However, these are the correct instructions I received from Mrs G; 1. Pick up the nearest book. 2. Open to page 123 3. Find the fifth sentence. 4. Post the next three sentences. 5. Tag five people, and acknowledge the person

janeturley 7 June 2008 15 Comments

Table Talk; Usha’s Tag.

What’s your favourite table? My favourite table is a roulette table; so much quicker for mixing that batter. What would you have for your last supper?A perfect steak, creamed potatoes, freshly cooked vegetable (especially young runner beans.) Followed by hot apple pie and vanilla ice cream. A tot of Benedictine and a piece of dark chocolate. Alternatively, if time was pressing I’d just have Pierce Brosnan (covered in chocolate). What’s your poison?Ask Mr T. When he comes out of the coma. What would be your 3 indredients on a desert island? I’ve been hoping to crash land on a desert island for some years; a kind of enforced diet at which I couldn’t possibly fail. I reckon I could last 6 months without food so no problems there. It would be best if I had some company though and if a rescue party didn’t arrive I could always resort to

janeturley 1 June 2008 14 Comments

The Book Club Ladies and a Lesson in Life.

This could be a long post. Mrs T hasn’t written anything for a while which means she could go on for a long time; best get a coffee and chocolate bar out now. (Or open the window ready to take a leap; whichever is your preference.) Well first Mrs T is going to give an update on the antics at The Book Club. Now, the Ladies gathered together at Mrs P’s comfortable abode last Friday to discuss The No1 Ladies Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith which if you are familiar with is set in Botswana. Now The Book Club has a tradition of serving food and playing accompanying music in the style of book that is being discussed. So for example when we read Miss Garnet’s Angel which is set in Italy we had Italian music, wine and suitably tasty nibbles. Stylish don’t you think? This usually works out

janeturley 26 May 2008 18 Comments

Human Rights.

I lost my sightBecause I had no rights I lost my soulIn a pitiful hole I lost my heartBecause I played no part I lost my mindIn all the unkind If I could breatheI would not grieve If I could singIt would be Spring If I could shoutI would have no doubt And if I was freeI could be me. Copyright Jane Turley 2008

janeturley 15 May 2008 11 Comments

Philosophy and Madness.

Last night Mrs T was in one of her philosophical moods… which is a very dangerous situation for not only is Mrs T apt to do crazy things, more importantly she often poses to herself, and to her friends, seriously challenging and deeply perplexing questions. Such as; If we can split the atom, fly to Mars and dive to the bottom of the oceans…WHY THE HELL CAN’T WE MAKE A BLOODY KIDS DRINK BOTTLE THAT DOES NOT LEAK????? If you know the answer to this question, please tell me. However, I suspect it maybe something to do with the same reason George Bush was elected. Now, I should warn you that my rare philosophical moments often herald a period of disturbing silliness form Mrs T. Mrs T is frankly.. nuts; I hope you’ve worked that out by now. However, she IS very fortunate to have some very understanding, supportive (and

janeturley 12 May 2008 19 Comments