The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Ransoms and Assassins, Friendships and Links, Bottoms and Boats (Yeah, kinda crazy.)

Mrs T has been very busy. Well when I say Mrs T, I mean possibly Mrs T or one of her other multiple personalities which could also be Miss Jane, Natasha, The Housekeeper or even The Jackal. Oh come on, you didn’t really think it was Edward Fox did you? Yep, I have travelled the world on sinister missions with my leg strapped up (cripes it’s painful but at least for once I get some use out of those suspenders) and nobody really knows my true identity. In fact my whole blog and indeed my photograph is just a ruse to confuse the world and distract everyone from my deadly and sinister missions. But I am most definitely a woman and that means that at this time of year even the likes of Mrs T is inflicted by an innate desire to spring clean. Yes, although I detest the very

janeturley 5 May 2008 16 Comments

Now back to the usual lunacy

O crikey what a crazy few days I’ve had! I’m sure all you ladies of a certain age out there will know exactly what I mean when I say all those premenopausal and premenstrual hormones have been flying around sending me do-lally. You know ladies; when you’re feel like tearing your hair out (but you can’t because it’s falling out already and you’d like to have some left by the time you’re fifty) and the smallest thing like a soppy TV advert featuring a cute puppy or the slightest hint of disapproval from hubby and you’re off into wails of tears and stuffing your face with a huge bar (or two) of consolatory chocolate. It’s rather like being a donkey tethered up just out reach of water and frantically trying to get at it but to make matters worse someone’s shoved a carrot up its nose. Poor Mr T he

janeturley 1 May 2008 7 Comments

Something a little different

Last week I met a man. He was average sized, average looking and in his early sixties. Yet he had the confidence and poise of a man in his later years who has travelled the world, talked with eminent people and experienced both joy and despair. A natural warmth and friendliness emanated when he spoke. I wondered whether he ever relaxed with his feet up on an old stool whilst reading the newspaper, sipping tea and glancing at Match of the Day; a man comfortable in his retirement. But I doubt it, because I saw fear in his eyes. His name is Paul Brown and he worries for the existence of the human race. Paul has spent his life working as a journalist in the UK. For the last sixteen years he worked as the environment correspondent for The Guardian one of the most respected newspapers in the country. He

janeturley 29 April 2008 7 Comments

Politicians, Education and a little bit of Madness

Well friends and fellow Bloggers I’m feeling in a frivolous mood lately; I don’t know why but those new size 18 knickers have certainly released some tension. Before I start, please don’t forget to read my previous post and enter my stupendous competition. Now both Eve’s Lungs and Onedia have raised concerns about the cost of posting the prizes. Let me assure you ladies and gents that I shall be able to afford it; I have worked out that if postage is approx £10 to distant shores if I save 50p out of my very generous allowance that Mr T gives me of £2.50p a week it will only take 20 weeks to accumulate enough pennies for the postage. With any luck the star prize winner will receive his/ her gift in time for Christmas! (The downside to this is that I will have to drop from 4 bars of

janeturley 21 April 2008 9 Comments

Screw that cleaning I’m blogging this morning!

Well. It’s about time I wrote another post; I’m sure you must all think I’m a lazy good for nothing housewife who sits nibbling chocolate chip cookies all day. Now I won’t deny there’s a slight degree of accuracy in that statement…but I’d just like to point out they’re lovely miniature chocolate chip cookies which are sooo tasty and because they are so tiny I get to eat twice as many! Hurray! Anyway I’m just going to waffle and we’ll see what happens which is pretty much like when I cook; at first when I crack those eggs I dream of lovely pert yolks and handing Mr T his fried Sunday breakfast with the eggs beautifully placed aside a lovely piece of finely charred bacon. But alas they always seem to end up scrambled. I’m not sure why although I’m still not certain about the difference between spatulas and whisks.

janeturley 16 April 2008 30 Comments

Mrs T is not Dead!

Yes, yes I am still alive. I am not dead! Although Mr T swears the lack of movement in my legs is actually first stage rigor mortis. (Humph, I think I’m gonna play dead next time he tries getting fruity just to make him eat his own words) Of course there are many, many people who would like me to be dead…but that’s another story which if I don’t get distracted I might embellish later. Now Mr T would obviously like me to be dead because he would no longer have to endure my feeble attempts at cooking and he would also get a big payout from the insurance company which would enable him to hire a proper cleaner which for him would be sheer unadulterated bliss. Now I’m not saying Mr T is obsessed with cleaning, tidying and all things of a household nature but he’s rather partial to

janeturley 2 April 2008 21 Comments

Mrs T’s Birthday Present has finally arrived. Yippee!

Well, I know you’ve all been sitting on the edge of your seats wondering what the Good Mr Turley has bought his beloved for her birthday. Now I’d like to say I was sitting on the edge of my seat too but alas that’s not possible; my bottom is just too big. Well here it is… the present is… a…. satellite navigation system. Yes, that’s right; a satellite navigation system. Apparently when we were in the traffic queue there was one on the dashboard of the car in front. Well, you know, I can’t say I noticed as I had my eyes focused on the road, two hands on the wheel and was concentrating on the business of driving at the time. Now, I always pretend to be concentrating when Mr Turley is in the passenger seat because he is a little “jumpy” when I drive. Which is really not

janeturley 13 March 2008 12 Comments

Where’s Mrs T’s Birthday Present?

I’m not sitting on the floor. Hooray! Now you may wonder why I should be celebrating this fact. This is because twice a week this is what I usually do for an hour and a half while Master Benedict has his tennis lessons. Oh, the indignity of it all; a woman of my advanced years forced to sit on the floor because of the overcrowding at the Tennis Centre. But today I have a seat. There was one left, just suitable for a fat bottomed lady who looked like she might be preggers…and that of course was me. Of course since my gut has expanded a number of people have mistakenly thought I am pregnant. The last time I was in the mobile library and the gentleman driver piped up; “I suppose you’ll be wanting a girl this time.” “Nope,” I replied. “I’m just fat.” Now I’m not saying he

janeturley 11 March 2008 15 Comments

Irons, Costumes and a load of rubbish.

Now they say things happen in threes… and they do… on Sunday my iron stopped working. Now this is particularly annoying as it is less than a year old. Obviously, I could take it back for a repair or a refund BUT that would mean having to find the receipt. And to be honest I don’t have a chance in hell of finding it because paperwork, filing and general organization are not exactly my forte. (This may come as a surprise to you as I am such an excellent cook and efficient cleaner.) Now ironing is in fact Mr Turley’s domain; he positively loves it which is why I had bought a pink iron; it gave me much amusement to watch Mr Turley who is a strapping 6 foot 6 inches, ironing his pants with a girlie pink iron in his hands. Now I detest ironing with a fervour that

janeturley 6 March 2008 15 Comments

General Inane Waffle.

Now before I get down to the very serious matter of proper blogging later in the day I must first recount a little true story from yesterday morning…. Mrs Turley is waking up slowly in her cosy bed ready for yet another arduous day at the kitchen sink when she feels Mr Turley’s hand upon her arse and his dulcet tones in her ear…. “Happy Birthday Mrs T.” Silence. Mrs Turley replies; “It’s my Birthday TOMORROW.” Silence. Hand slowly withdraws. Now really… wouldn’t you expect The Veritable Mr Turley to remember after nearly 17 years of marriage that my birthday is the 6th and not the 5th? Still, he has informed me this morning “that a package will be arriving sometime in the next three or four days.” Hmm… there’s nothing like forward planning is there? It had better be a good prezzie or he’ll be in deep trouble I

janeturley 6 March 2008 19 Comments

The Great Escape

Mrs Turley, Housewife extraordinaire is in very deep trouble, Readers. I am under house arrest. Yes, at this very moment two (lovely) young gentlemen from Her Majesty’s Secret Service are standing to attention outside my door. Why? I hear you say… Well, it happened like this… Mr Turley forbade me from doing any more blogging until the house was spick and span and I’d completed all my charitable deeds for the boys’ sports clubs. So by last night I was wild, livid, and prepared finally to throw the tea towel in. I could stand no more drudgery and so I planned a cunning escape. Having failed with the tunnel, I decided to take the more conniving route of escape… Through the front door in the early hours (Mr Turley would never expect such blatant audacity) and Mr Turley who sleeps like an elephant (and makes a similar sound too) would

janeturley 27 February 2008 19 Comments

More ludicrous waffle….

Oh what joy, at last I have (temporarily) finished doing all those charitable deeds that a mother of three boys must do and at last I am free to blog again! Anyhow before I get going tomorrow on various dubious subjects connected with the Art of Housewifery I thought I’d post my latest football report for the BBC; I’m afraid all that talk of Luke Warmwater put me in a Star Wars frame of mind over the weekend. There’s not a lot about football in it really… anyway if you like it and fancy reading other complete garbage in the vein of Charles Dickens and Jane Austen click on my BBC links for the other drivel. Soccer Wars; The Return of Samba Southcott Owls U7 3 -7 Samba Rio U7 A long time ago in a field far, far away there was a great Soccer War. The Rebels, Aylesbury Athletic,

janeturley 27 February 2008 3 Comments