The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Oh, for the Love of……Washing Machines.

Well, it wasn’t long after I’d finished posting yesterday when Usha left her comment asking me if I was going to be allowed a period of mourning for the beloved washing machine. She’s quite right, of course, an item that has served the household with such honour should be given the send off it deserves. However, Mr Turley in his eagerness to install the replacement which arrives tomorrow has already dragged it, huffing and puffing, out onto the driveway awaiting the Deliverers of the New Washer who are to remove it for the unwholesome sum of £15. Now I’ve never known Mr Turley to be so generous in the disposal of any item before; he has cut up sofas, paving slabs, cabinets and various household accoutrements in order to avoid paying refuse charges. But not this time, his is unbearably eager for the replacement as he knows his life will

janeturley 19 February 2008 35 Comments

A Word of Thanks from Jane, The Witty and Wayward Wife…and some other stuff…

Well folks, before I retreat in to my usual idiocy, I want to say a few words of thanks. However, first I must inform you that both the washing machine and the cooker bit the dust last week. I have taken great delight in this…why I would have a genuine excuse not to wash and iron and even more importantly, not to cook. Hurrah! Oh, I have had dreams of this for years, fantasies of a relaxing week, indulging myself in a scrumptious box of chocolates whilst watch the steaming pile of fetid laundry grow so enormous that Mr Turley would be forced to employ a Housekeeper to prevent my imminent breakdown….. But Alas! Woe, woe, woe is me, for Mr Turley, who has an affection for cleanliness and tidiness uncommon amongst his gender, dashed to his computer with undignified speed to peruse the internet for a replacement washing machine.

janeturley 18 February 2008 7 Comments

Mad Is Not Mad Enough.

Friends, Romans, Bloggers lend me your ears! ’Cos the Mad Housewife needs to change her blog name. I know, I know, I should have done my homework but I didn’t. Apparently there are lots of mad housewives; well I know this is true because madness is actually a very serious affliction which can become highly contagious particularly if you’ve been at home for at least 10 years. (Or in my case about approaching 17 as I managed to get pregnant on my wedding night.) It was a very (clears throat with embarrassment) “productive” wedding night, which is quite surprising really as some over zealous friends stole everything from our hotel bedroom except the towels. (Oh and I also locked Mr Turley in the bedroom the next morning so he couldn’t have any breakfast by which time folks he was in dire need of vital nourishment.) Anyway the product was Master

janeturley 12 February 2008 50 Comments

The School Run 2 ( The Bitch is Back.)

Now should you have been a brave enough person to have already read my previous School Run tirade or to trawl back and read it now you’ll know that The School Run is not my favourite time of day. In fact, today may be the actual day that I am summoned into school to be reprimanded for Young Master Benedict not only repeating my colourful language but also his possible expulsion for his accompanying interesting gesticulations. Yes, a very naughty man in a pickup truck thoughtlessly obscured my vision in two separate incidents; one on the central reservation of a highly dangerous road. I was not happy bunny at all; I was a very cross bunny indeed. By the way I don’t look like a bunny; it’s a metaphorical English expression. (Although I admit I did have plastic surgery to relocate my ears but I kept catching them in the

janeturley 6 February 2008 6 Comments

The Rise and Fall of British Pants.

I hope, Dear Readers, you have not been unduly concerned about my relative silence. I have indeed been struck dumb for a brief period by a most extraordinary event that has been the source of great consternation in this green and pleasant land. There has been a national scandal of truly tremendous proportions which has stirred the nation into vile and voracious argument. I have been lying prostrate in my bed, shocked to the core, by some terrifying news; for there has been unleashed upon the general public the breaking news that one of our most revered and distinguished broadcasters, a bastion of the BBC has soiled his pants…sorry his reputation … with the revelations that… Jeremy Paxman’s pants aren’t giving him sufficient support! Now I know “pants” in America actually means “Trousers” but in the UK pants are undergarments with a multitude of other names such as knickers, boxers,

janeturley 4 February 2008 9 Comments

To Cook or Not to Cook? That is the question. Oh – and bottoms. (Just because I felt like it.)

Some women love cooking. They live and breathe cooking. They have shelf upon shelf of cook books; basic, speciality, charity and, of course, the celebrity-chef cook book. They have glorious kitchens filled with dozens of gleaming pots and pans, rows of aromatic spices and cupboards full of exotic ingredients. (I prefer erotic ingredients like chocolate, strawberries and clotted cream. You’ve seen 9½ weeks haven’t you? (Hey, I may be approaching the Knackers Yard but I can still fantasize you know…)Let me assure you there is nothing “gleaming” about my kitchen; it’s a godforsaken place where even the living dead fear to tread. I’ve also only got two cook books; that’s all and frankly that’s enough. One book was given to me by my mother in law. (Possibly as a hint that her son required some nutrition in order to remain alive.) The second I bought myself for a pittance. Whilst

janeturley 22 January 2008 12 Comments

Capital Crusader.

A Novel in Progress She would die. He had been watching her for the last few weeks. She was predictable. Every time taking the same path, that led to the seat at the top of the incline overlooking the pallid lake below. The path ran between two grass verges which were littered with decaying ochre leaves. A sudden thud made him quickly glance to his side, but it was only a lustrous conker, newly fallen; the last solitary fruit of autumn. He moved stealthily forwards. The ground was damp and the dank leaves did not crackle underfoot; his polished patent shoes out of place in this earthy, natural environment.He could see her more clearly now. The collar of her suede coat upturned against the enveloping chill. Her long auburn hair draped around her shoulders, blending with the copper tones of the early morning sun that filtered through the ravaged trees.

janeturley 21 January 2008 4 Comments

A Short History of Alzheimers in English. (Dementia and lying but fortunately no tractors.)

Let me tell you about Alzheimers.Let me tell you about Alzheimers.Let me tell you about Alzheimers. Yep, you may have worked it out by now that people with Alzheimers tend to repeat themselves. This is something I never do. UNLESS I’m drunk or I’ve forgotten what I’ve said and to whom. Unfortunately, as a mad, premenopausal woman close to insanity repeating myself is something that is becoming more frequent, is becoming more frequent. The worse case scenario is of course when I’m drunk AND I‘ve forgotten what I’ve said and to whom; my brain is then working on a level of stupidity comparable to Mr Bush’s; a potentially very dangerous and catastrophic situation indeed. Anyway here’s a useful tip to avoid embarrassing fallout from such situations… Never Lie… or there is a distinct possibility you will be caught out. On the whole lying is not good. Although there are times

janeturley 18 January 2008 7 Comments

Book Review; The Undomesticated Goddess by Sophie Kinsella

This book is one of the biggest loads of tosh I have ever read…it surpasses A Devil Wears Prada and that’s saying something. Now, I have actually read 2 of Sophie Kinsella’s novels..her first Shopaholic was at times mildy amusing..the second I can’t remember at all…pretty much says it all… (By the way they were given to me..I didn’t actually buy them.. I don’t want my reputation as a chick lit hater ruined) But it looks like Miss Kinsella has just run out of ideas.. a top notch lawyer believes she’s made a terrible mistake..goes into some sort of a trance, takes the first train she sees, gets off, wanders around ends up at a house where they think she comes for a position as housekeeper and ends up shagging the gardener…. I’m sorry but it was truly preposterous…it wasn’t funny and was on a par with the worst of

janeturley 18 January 2008 2 Comments

Hotels, sausages and funerals. (Yep, I know it’s weird but I’ve never pretended to be normal.)

Well this year I’ve had two encounters with Hotels. One of them was in Weston Super Mare, an English coastal resort and the birth place of the comedian John Cleese of Monty Python fame and where this writer originates (which may explain my peculiar type of British madness.) It’s also the home of the infamous writer, ex politician and dubious businessman Jeffrey Archer (who with a cane I will ably whip for bringing the name of this once great Victorian seaside resort into disrepute with his lying and cheatin’ ways.) Fortuitously, I bear no resemblance to Lord Archer whatsoever. In fact the only cheating I’ve done was in a German test when I was 14. (I still got a crap result.) However, I’ve noted that odd people come from Weston… In fact I would go so far as to say; There’s something in the airIn Weston Super MareWho knows what it isBut it frequently smells of

janeturley 14 January 2008 No Comments

Ssh…I’m going to tell you a secret…(looks around furtively)…you mustn’t tell anyone…but… I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

Yes, it’s 9 days since I gave up chocolate and the withdrawal symptoms are beginning to kick in. I’m feeling slightly crazed and like I could snap at any moment. (Although not without the use of a chainsaw to break through the first few layers of insulation.) I’ve sharpened the blades of my kitchen knives and I’ve started digging a new patio… ….because I’m a woman living on the edge… I’m even dreaming about chocolate… In fact do you remember the Milk Tray advert where the man dressed in black does daring deeds in order to place the box of chocolates on the woman’s pillow? Well I keep having similar dream versions of that; a gorgeous man, dressed in black leather sprints like a stallion across fields, leaps across roof tops until finally he stands poised on my balcony. I’m lying on my bed, hair tousled, lips moist, salivating at

janeturley 9 January 2008 1 Comment

Life and language; a personal story.

“The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus Logico Philosophicus 1922 Every individual has their own story; a history that makes them who they are. The personal history of our language development is an important factor in the way we evolve as individuals; how we perceive ourselves and how people perceive us. The truth is we all make judgements about people when they speak; variety, lexis and register all subconsciously affect our opinions of people. Sometimes these opinions can be subjective, particularly when style is valued over content. To examine the way in which an individual’s language develops we must go back to the beginning, even before birth, because it is the language and nurturing of our parents, influenced by their own social and cultural backgrounds, which determines the course of our language development in early childhood. My own language was heavily influenced by

janeturley 5 January 2008 4 Comments