The Witty Ways of a Wayward Woman

Book Review; Five on a Hike Together by Enid Blyton

Gee whizz what a smashing, rip roaring read; my favourite Famous Five adventure. Now it’s about 35 years since I read it, but here’s the basic plot; Julian, Dick, Anne, George and their affectionate mutt Timmy go hiking. There’s a tent, a criminal, some potted shrimp, crusty bread and some ginger Beer; mix these ingredient together and you get a rather messy camp site surrounded my maraudering cats and Jeffrey Archer looking for a plot for his next book. Excellent stuff. And why hasn’t it had a resurgence in popularity? ‘Cos George’s character is very PC these days you know.. infact it’s a wonder it isn’t actively promoted in schools. By the way have you read Noddy? What a greedy, selfish, sixpence- grabbing boy. Just because he wears a silly hat and has an amusing head wobbling disorder doesn’t mean he makes a great read. Enid must have been having

janeturley 3 January 2008 No Comments

Book Review; The Story of The Little Mole Who Knew It Was None of His Business by Werner Holzwarth

A crap read… literally… this book is all about animal excrement.. and I assure you, your children will absolutely love it (as all children are fascinated with doggy doo doos and such like.) You will instantly go up in your child’s estimation if you give them this book and what’s more if you can do some animal impressions in a squatting position you’ll be in line for an Oscar. Only slight concern.. it seems to have been written by a German (who as we know have no sense of humour) although they’re particularly fond of frankfurters of which there are a number of in this book…… © Jane Turley 2008

janeturley 3 January 2008 No Comments

Oh God, it’s nearly time for…( tense Hitchcock music plays dramatically)…The School Run.

I hate The School Run. It’s a wicked and cruel device inflicted by men who mainly drive to work ON THEIR OWN in their clean cars with relaxing music playing and pleasantly humming. Whereas us women are frequently left in such a state that we have to consume entire bars of chocolate on our return or in my case not able to do the housework until about 30 minutes before hubby comes home because I’m so stressed out. (Or possibly both….he… he…he) Of course I’m seriously worried about tomorrow when The Run begins again as I’ve given up chocolate as part of my New Year Resolutions… what am I to do? I may have to watch one of those abominable morning chat shows where some idiot admits having an incestuous affair with his sibling and doesn’t understand why it’s wrong.( On the other hand I’m not that stupid so maybe

janeturley 2 January 2008 3 Comments

If only I could stick to New Year Resolutions…

One of my strange idiosyncrasies is that I’m very good at doing things for other people but absolutely rubbish at doing things for myself. Thus when I agree to do something for someone else I will invariably do it any cost but when it comes to doing something such as losing like weight, or actually having a beauty routine (I don’t) or keeping fit which would all be of great benefit to my health and decaying looks, I find it very difficult to maintain the impetus for much longer than 24 hours. I suspect I am not alone in this; the truth is many mothers are so wrapped up in the welfare of their children, their jobs and 101 other tasks that they often find themselves at the bottom of the pile. Then one day you realise you look weather-beaten and washed up and those last few years when you could have

janeturley 31 December 2007 No Comments

You thought I disliked football? You haven’t heard me rant about steam engines!

Just for starters here’s my review of the Thomas Tank Engine book A Cow on the Line by the Rev Awdry. Let’s introduce it with that lovely theme tune from the TV series. Here we go… ♫ ♫ De de de de de de derrrrrrrrrrrr…de de de de de de de de de de derrrrrrrrr…♫ ♫ Come on, get into the spirit now! (Alternatively, put your ear muffs on.) There, don’t you feel exhilarated. No? Why not? Perhaps it’s because that repetitive tune is enough to drive a woman who has seen every engine shed and pisston in the whole of England to sheer and utter madness. (Me, obviously) In fact when I hear it, I reach for my double barrelled shotgun in order to blow my brains out. Unfortunately, the kids keep holding me back: “No, no, Mummy you must watch this bit. It’s so funny!” Yeah, yeah…and Gordon

janeturley 30 December 2007 No Comments

What Is It About Men And Balls?

Having returned from nearly 2 hours standing in the cold watching two of my boys play football in a Christmas kick around with some of the dads from the football club I am posing the question… WHAT IS IT ABOUT MEN AND BALLS? Yes, I know men do possess balls.(Although I’m not sure about Gordon Brown now that he’s ratified that treaty without asking the consent of the electorate.) Maybe that’s why men have an affinity with anything relatively circular in shape: footballs, snooker balls, beer glasses, women’s bottoms (regrettably, this doesn’t include mine as it’s round shape has become somewhat elongated over the past decade) and of course… breasts. Women know men are particularly stupid about round things and even the thickest women know that if they stuff their breasts with large amounts of silicone so their breasts have a taut and bulging roundness they will become instantly more

janeturley 28 December 2007 1 Comment

There comes a time when you have to explain The Circle of Life.

I’m normally a cheery type of gal but this evening I have the arduous task of telling the kids that Granny Turley died earlier today. Kids are so succinct too – no doubt they will some it up in some heart breaking sentence that will make it difficult to hold back the tears. This is not the first time I’ve had to do this. I prepared my eldest for my father’s death some years ago by telling the truth to which he replied “You mean his heart will stop beating?” I’ve never forgotten his words, so succinct, so final. I’ve already told him today’s news. He’s now 16 and as a teenager he is absorbed in his own life so in a way it will be easier for him but later I must tell the younger ones who will take it much harder…their memories of Granny and wonderful times in her

janeturley 27 December 2007 No Comments

Decisions, decisions.

Yes, it can be very tough when your husband works long hours knowing when to make a decision and deciding whether or not if you’ve made the right one. Now when you’ve had your first baby this usually revolves around “Shall I call the doctor or not?” or “Shall I give one spoon of Calpol or two?” Fortunately, when you get to my advanced age and the three kids are out of their nappies (Thank God) it usually revolves around whether or not to have one glass of wine or two. (Sometimes more – depending on just how annoying those kids have been.) Of course, an even more tantalising decision is whether or not to have chocolate with fruit and nuts in it or just stick to plain Galaxy. Personally, I’m not too fussed either way because, as all us gals know, chocolate can be a lot more satisfying than

janeturley 27 December 2007 2 Comments