I have been forced. Yes, forced to come out of blog hibernation to comment on the latest scandal to hit the UK. God knows I have been tempted multiple times in the last few years to comment on some of the insane things happening in the UK and in the world, but sadly, life has just thrown too many curve balls at me. But today, I can take no more – I cannot keep my mouth shut any longer over the insanity that is rearing its ugly head in the UK. And what has been my breaking point?
Chicken nuggets.
Yep. Chicken nuggets.
Apparently, British nuggets are so darn tasty that no chicken nuggets elsewhere in the world can compare (or specifically Albania), and that is a reason to prevent the deportation of a convicted illegal immigrant.
Now, this is news to me. I had no idea that chicken nuggets were a Michelin-starred luxury food. Have you seen the way some of them are made? Just scraps of flesh basically sucked off carcasses and compressed into kiddy-enticing shapes. I once tried making my own during a frugal spell – and I can report that even with a hand-held Dyson, it’s a pretty messy job. It’s also a tad embarrassing if your neighbour calls around when you’re mid-suction – as vacuuming a dead chicken’s arse is usually the type of scenario that leads to one being sectioned under the Mental Health Act.
Anyway, a British Judge has ruled that an Albanian immigrant who entered the country illegally in 2001, having pretended to have been born in Yugoslavia, can stay in the UK because his son will be adversely affected by the lack of tasty nuggets in Albania.
Personally, I think it is the judge who should be sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Judges are meant to be the pinnacle of learning and sound judgment. I can only conclude that maybe the judge has early-onset dementia because no other sane being would accept an acquired taste for chicken nuggets as a reason to prevent deportation.
Yeah, and we all know these lefty woke judges and lawyers will mouth off about the Human Rights Act. Now I get all that stuff about protecting individual freedoms, quality of life and so on. But when you bring Chicken Nuggets into the reasoning, you make a mockery of the whole Act. The sort of grounds I expect any illegal immigrant to have submitted for staying in the UK is that they are daily trimming the grass at Lord’s cricket ground with a pair of nail scissors whilst wearing a bowler hat and singing God Save the King.
Just in case you think I’m being harsh, the Albanian in question clearly entered into a life of crime. In 2017, he was caught with £250,000 of cash from the proceeds of crime and subsequently jailed for 2 years£250,000. Initially, I thought that probably the £250,000 was the gains from drug dealing, pimping or maybe money laundering through one of these fake barbers that are popping up everywhere.
But now I’ve worked it out…Obviously, the illegal immigrant was conducting an illegal chicken nugget operation. Instead of growing cannabis in his attic or faking an interest in David Beckham’s hairstyles, he was stalking the streets like the Yorkshire Ripper in the dead of night for vulnerable chickens he could mercilessly butcher and turn into mouth-watering nuggets for his son whilst flogging the rest in the West End to tourists as a Traditional British Dish.
Now, if ridiculous, silly ideas can be used to avoid deportation, then I’d like to put forward some ideas to absolve me from other legal consequences. Seems only fair. Here we go:
- I believe I should be able to refuse to pay my council tax on the grounds I don’t like the money leaving my bank account.
- I believe I should be entitled to a year’s statutory sick pay as I stubbed my toe on a feather cushion in 1984.
- I should not be fined for speeding as I have dyscalculia, and it’s not my fault I was travelling at 92 miles an hour; I thought the speed dial read 29 mph.
- I should not have to buy a parking permit to park outside my house because I think it’s jolly mean as I’m on minimum wage, so I can barely even afford chicken nuggets.
- I should not have to pay NHS contributions because I don’t like the steak and kidney pie served at lunchtimes.
- I should not have to pay the BBC licence fee because I don’t watch it. (Wait a minute! That objection sounds too logical) Correction: I should not have to pay the BBC licence fee because I can’t stand reading another story about Strictly Come Dancing. ( Still a bit logical…)
- I object to paying my car tax because it’s not a car. Indeed, I have it on very good authority from my son that it’s a “shit tip”.
- I object to being made to microchip my cat as he is not a cat. Mr Shandy is, in fact, a human with a fetish for fur coats and crawling on all fours, and I challenge any judge to tell him or me otherwise, as it would impinge upon his rights to identify as anything he wishes.
- I object to all the diversity questions on job applications unless an additional category is added to personal pronoun choices. That category should be “Fruit Basket.”
- I object to judges in the UK making bonkers decisions in legal cases because they have had too much sherry, and their lunchtime reading is likely Thomas the Tank Engine.
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