B is for Balls and Breasts.

Firstly, in case any of you are super sensitive types, I want to be clear that this post is primarily about balls – as in footballs and circular objects and not the UK slang meaning of balls which is men’s testicles which, let’s face it, aren’t really round – more like droopy bags of turkey giblets.

Now in my time as a Housewife Extraordinaire, it has come to my attention that men seem to have an affinity with balls, or indeed anything round in shape, including footballs, snooker balls, beer glasses, marbles, DVDs, women’s bottoms (regrettably, this doesn’t include mine as it has become somewhat elongated over the past decade) and, of course…breasts.

Now us gals know that all men are particularly stupid about round things. Especially breasts. Which is why even the least intelligent women have deduced that if they fill their breasts with large amounts of rounded silicone they will become instantly more desirable to the opposite sex. Personally, I think stuffing your bra with cotton wool is an easier way to attract men. It’s also a lot cheaper than plastic surgery and has the added bonus that you can safely remove it after your man comes home from the pub because by then he will believe anything you tell him including that Tom Cruise is 6ft 6in, the Pope is a woman and that you are Pamela Anderson’s sister.

Yep, so men like all things round. Breasts are their favourite circular objects of course, but balls come a close second. Men cannot stop playing with balls: footballs, basketballs, soccer balls, bowling balls, cricket balls, tennis balls, the dog’s balls…They’re ALWAYS fiddling with them. Even on their desks they have a squidgy ball that they play with every time they remember they can’t multi-task and there’s nothing they like better for Christmas than a football unless it’s one of those round soaps on a rope. (This is so they can drop it in the bath and have lots of fun finding it.)

Basically, men spend hours and hours kicking balls, throwing balls and watching balls. Sometimes they play with their own balls and sometimes it’s other men’s balls. Sometimes they even have the audacity to play with a stranger’s balls – although that’s usually only if they come across one lost in the park. 

Men don’t care what type of balls they play with just so long as they get to have a play. Sometimes they play with big balls, sometimes small balls and, yes, sometimes they even like to play with sticky balls. (Which is gross but, I suppose, better than slippery balls.)

I often wonder to myself why men haven’t developed a game called “fingerball” instead of “football”. If they played fingerball then they’d have the perfect excuse to play their balls all the time. I think it’s pathetic to see men trying to deny their love of balls by kicking them or heading them or bouncing them off their chests – so they might as well come clean and play handball. You see, we women know the truth – men love their balls and they ALL secretly want to go to bed at night with their balls tucked up close beside them.

The ultimate way for a man to relief his stress is too squeeze his own balls.

Okay, I want to be fair here. I’m not saying women don’t like round things too because we do. In fact, I particularly like a number of round things. However, I think my list of round things is a little more discerning. In no particular order here are my top five round things:

1. Pound coins. (They have a very satisfying feel about them and if they just happen to be in Chris Hemsworth’s pocket I’d be even more satisfied.)

2. Chocolate Footballs. (The ONLY kind of footballs that require my undivided attention.)

3. Chocolate chip muffins. (Even more satisfying than chocolate footballs.)

4. Round tins. (Containing Quality Street, Roses or perhaps Celebrations.)

5. Rings. (Preferably set with diamonds. But I’ll also accept rings set with rubies, sapphires and emeralds.)

What are your favourite round things? Let me know!