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The often dubious, politically incorrect and mainly humorous musings of Ms Jane Turley, (Ex) Housewife Extraordinaire.

A is for Air Guitar

Okay, so today I am going to talk about air guitars.

So I looked up “air guitar” in the Turley English Dictionary and it gave the following definition:
An imaginary guitar (instrument) played by Homo Stupidus, a subcategory of the male Homo Sapien species.  Air guitar is commonly played by the Homo Stupidus during a mid-life crisis but it can also affect the pubescent male and the geriatric male of the species. The early-onset of airguitaritis (air-g-ti-tis) in the pubescent male usually leads to severe complications in adult life including rheumatism, earache, marriage breakdown and a reputation as a complete twat. Late diagnosis of airguitaritis usually leads to incarceration in a specialist mental health clinic.

Homo Stupidus wearing his standard Friday night attire. Sadly, the love-heart boxers do not attract females only other air-guitarists which can lead to worrying displays of male bonding.


Now,  for all you ladies out there who have had the misfortune to marry a gentleman with an air guitar fetish let me give you my Top Ten Tips for dealing with this unwholesome situation:

1. Divorce your Homo Stupidus. (You know it makes sense.)

2. Have him incarcerated in an asylum on the grounds of mental instability and emotional abuse.

3 Jump up and down on his air guitar whilst singing “Beat it” by Michael Jackson.

4. Send a dubious brown package to Eric Clapton. It does not have to contain Semtex (which is preferable) but just the thought of blowing up Eric Clapton will make you feel a whole lot better.

5. Start performing imaginary cooking, imaginary housekeeping and imaginary ironing. Air-ironing
is particularly effective as a way to disarm the working Homo-Stupidus.

6. Ask your Homo Stupidus if he is also performing imaginary sex because you haven’t had an orgasm since 1993.

7. Ask your Homo Stupidus is he would like his air-guitar restringing. If he says “Yes” mark that down in your little black book so your attorney can cite it as evidence in the divorce proceedings.

8. Write a kiss and tell article for The Daily Mail. “My Life Of Hell With A Man Who Preferred His Air Guitar Over Sex” will propel you to instant fame and fortune. You’ll be commissioned for your autobiography, a film and make a whole stack of cash. If you’re really clever and manage to get an imaginary wizard into your biography you will become even more famous.

9. Stick his head in the oven.

10. Put on your earmuffs and tell him he is not playing loud enough. While he performs even more wild air guitar manoeuvres video him and then post the clip on YouTube with the caption “Man Found Wandering In Borneo Jungle Seeks Mate”. Also tweet the footage using the hash tags #fuckingbonkers #saveme

So there you have it. A is for air guitar – accompanied by some sound and ever thoughtful advice from Mrs T.  See you tomorrow!


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12 responses

  2. Bahahaha I needed this laugh, thank you.

    But it did raise a serious question:

    What if us ladies also find ourselves playing air guitar?

    Reply

  4. Yeah but do your remedies work for someone having a mid life crisis with an ACTUAL guitar. The guitar I can cope with. It's the vocalising equivalent of air guitar playing that's the real issue. Great start Jane. Keep it up.

    Reply

  10. Oh girlfriend, you should break out the "air microphone" and become a regular rock and roller. That should cool some of the guitar playing if he knows you are going to croon along. Cheers.

    Reply

  12. Acoustic guitars normally have six strings of steel. The body of it is hollowed out so the guitarist can make loud sounds. Beginners often start with the acoustic because it is a great starting point and the electric guitar instrument is pretty basic. One a student has learned the basics on the acoustic, turning to other types, like the electric might be a good idea.

    Reply

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