Thoughts on Football and Depressed Writers (again)

They’re couldn’t be a worse final for a British person to watch – Germany V Argentina.

Two countries we have been at war with. Who the hell I am going to support? I suppose it’s going to come down to whether I prefer German frankfurters or Argentinian beef.

Decisions. Decisions. Hmm. Tricky.

Pity the Dutch didn’t get through last night. I like tulips. I could have waved tulips and worn my Crocs and given the evening a Dutch feel to it. We do that at my book club. Luckily, the themes usually revolve around stories set in Italy, France, Spain and Australia -countries where they just so happen to have a good selection of wines. How lucky is that? Occasionally, we read a book from the UK though but then we have to drink tea so we don’t do that too much. Sometimes we read a book from the US and then we dispense with the wine and move straight to the milkshakes.

I’m trying to remember what we are supposed to be reading this month. It’s on Friday so I better think hard. Thank God for Kindle. Okay, I’m going to have to look up the email as I can’t remember.

Oh it’s the The Humans by Matt Haig. I’ve heard good things about that.

It’s £2.69 on Kindle and £3.50 in paperback. I prefer the paperback. Not that it’ll matter to the author as he’s going to get screwed by his publisher either way.

Oh Lord I’ve just read his bio. First line:

“Matt Haig suffered a breakdown in his early twenties. After battling depression for a long while he turned to writing.”


Oh God. Why do all writers think readers what to know these things. Why, why, why? Do they think that being ill gives you better artistic integrity? 


Why has every author, actor, TV presenter got to keep coming out with this stuff? Have any of them had a childhood that hasn’t involved some sort of mental and physical cruelty?

Woman: “My mother hit me with a damp tea towel when I was young. Now I suffer from recurrent tea towel nightmares and drowning in the washing bowl.”

Career officer: “Have you thought about writing a novel?”

Man: “My father forced to brush my teeth every night. He would stand over me and whilst my gums bled. Now I dream about beaten with a toothbrush and being trapped inside a bathroom cabinet.”

Career officer. “You have wonderful teeth. Have you thought about becoming an actor?”

Okay, so what I need to do for my book to take-off is start writing some articles about my traumatic childhood and flogging it around the net. Then everyone will buy my book out of sympathy.

Okay. Let me trawl back through my memories and find some stuff I can utilize.

Hmm.

Hmm. Oh yes….There was that time when …… no I think that was my own fault.

Hmm… I fell off my bike into some brambles once. Would that count? Maybe not dramatic enough? I did get some scratches… but no amputations.

I could invent some amputations. My leg could become a false leg. I could be traumatised by having a false leg.

Maybe a false hand would be better. As a writer it would be more traumatising for me to have a false hand. Imagine all the typing problems. I would get severe depression. And I ‘d probably get repetitive strain injury on my other hand so that would be at least a bi-polar disorder, if not the occasional bout of schizophrenia.

Right, that’s nailed it. I feel my novel rocketing to top of the best sellers now once I get this stuff going viral.

This writer was traumatised by her first experiments with make-up. Tip from Mrs T: always use caution when applying mascara.