An appeal on behalf of mothers to the makers of Doctor Who

Dear Producers,

Are you out of your minds? Are you seriously going to have that old guy, Peter Capaldi, as the new Doctor Who? I’ve only just got used to the idea of Matt Smith as the Doctor and that’s because he looks like a bloke in his thirties now and not like he’s fresh out of nappies.

And particularly ugly nappies, if I might say so.

Look, I know most of the Doctors weren’t exactly youngsters but that was before merchandising really took off. Have you any idea what it’s like to wake in the night to a screaming child, run into their bedroom and find them pointing at a plastic figurine of Matt Smith bathed in moonlight? No? Well, let me tell you it’s not great. But now you’ve gone and got Capaldi I expect the screaming to intensify. I shall probably have to hire a therapist soon.

I’d like to put forward the case for a handsome thirty/forty something Dr Who. Here’s my arguments:

1. Just because Dr Who is quirky and plays with his screwdriver a lot he doesn’t have to look quirky too. He could just act. That’s what actors do. Well, some of them. I’m not sure about Harrison Ford but, to be fair, he does look good in leggings.

2. I’m fed up of nightmares. Looking at Capaldi bathed in moonlight would like be looking at the living dead as opposed to just looking at something out of Nightmare on Elm Street.

3. Mums like to watch TV programmes with their kids; it’s a bonding experience. However, when we do this, ideally, we would like to admire an attractive man in his prime. And, if he can act quirky without looking a complete twat and dressing like Sherlock Holmes, all the better. Think David Tennant and you’ll be on the right lines again. What’s more, if you get an actor who looks like Hugh Jackman your merchandise royalties will triple overnight.

Now, I don’t want to appear ageist, so I just like to say there are some other fine older actors who could have played The Doctor and who I’d have been happy to watch. I’m sure they would all have provided their own individual “take” on the role too. Here’s a few suggestions:

I know Pierce is 60 now and old enough to be my grandfather father but he’s still lush. I emailed Pierce and asked him if he’d consider it. He sent me the above picture in return – just look at the sheer delight on his face at the thought of being The Doctor. Just imagine how much revenue the BBC would make out of Pierce figurines. I’d be happy to buy one. They could even make blow-up Pierce dolls. Again, I ‘d be happy to buy one (or more) of those.

Yeah , I know Clint is even older then Pierce at 83 but I bet he could still use that sonic screw driver better than anyone else. Even if he had to perform in a wheelchair I’d be happy to be his assistant and push all his buttons for him. Who wouldn’t love to see Doctor Clint shoot the crap out of a dalek? I know I would.

Chuck Norris as The Doctor. You can bet your life he’d have more than one sonic screwdriver. He’d have a whole arsenal. Brill.

But who’d be my favourite aged doctor? It’s someone who I think would be just perfect. Someone who would bring kick-ass law and order to the universe in his own very individual style.

Steven Seagal. A karate-kicking, gun toting, no bull-shitting, explosive Doctor. Absolutely perfect. No one’s gonna mess with this Doctor. Least of all me – which is why I say – Steven, you look great in pink. You blow me away.XXX

All the best,

Mrs T.

Ps -Pictures all courtesy of Wikipedia, creative common license. (With a little hindrance from Mrs T.)