I have a house guest!
Sometime before my two cats Tigga and Tash died earlier this year, I realised that another cat was visiting our house in the dead of night. Sometimes I heard the cat flap bang, a tin fall on the floor and in the morning tell tell footprints on the kitchen work tops. My cats never made a fuss and just let the cat come and go – I guess Tigga and Tash weren’t up to fighting and as Miss Cleo, my remaining cat, is as daft as a brush The Interloper found no resistance.
Then one day, I inadvertently locked the cat flap one way only and the next morning there it was – a big, furry, black and white cat who looked extremely well fed and like he might need a course of slimming pills.
Well as it turned out he was a stray because over the summer months my neighbours and I have watched him get thinner and more frightened. A number of times I’ve approached him and he would run off but last Saturday morning I found him crying outside my door, skinny and ravenous. He’d quit the “I’m gonna be a tough old stray” lark and decided he was gonna move in. Maybe he realised I was now 2 pussys down and there was room at the inn. But I tell you he has taken to my house like a duck to water. Miss Cleo hasn’t managed more than a few girlie hisses while he lies resplendent on my sofa and dining out on her chicken. He seems perfectly at home, is easy to lift up and stroke and what’s more the children are delighted with their acquisition. Of course, I said I’d never have any more pets but well…I can hardly refuse a poor hungry cat crying on my doorstep just when winter is setting in…..
Well since The Interloper seemed exceptionally well house trained Mr T didn’t make too much of an objection. But Houston we now have a problem. Because today The Interloper ventured upstairs for the first time. I was in my study typing and Miss Cleo was sitting at my side and in walks The Interloper. Cleo hisses, I turn round and check there’s no sign of an impending cat fight. All is well. I turn back to my PC and then I hear it….
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…..
Cleo’s ears tweak, my ears tweak. I hear it again…
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssss…..
I get up and peer behind the chair in the corner. The Interloper is decorating my carpet – in a major way. It is probably the biggest piss in history; he must have been saving it up since the millennium. In fact, I have time to go to the bathroom, return with the litter tray, put him in it and he is still weeing!
Hmm. This is not good as Mr T has a very sensitive nose. He can tell just by raising his hooter in the air on the doorstop whether or not I’ve done the laundry. I swear to God his mother trained him at birth to distinguish the difference between Persil, Ariel and Fairy Automatic. Anyway, this is bad news for The Interloper, so I’ve scrubbed the carpet, covered it with carpet cleaner, scrubbed it again and sprayed it with perfume twice. I’ve even cooked curry for tea to disguise any remaining odours. In fact I shall be cooking curry all week I think; Balti, Rogan Josh, Korma. In fact anything that has a potent smell; I might even slip in some smoked haddock jut for variety -Anything to save The Interloper from the clutches of the evil Mr T…
Anyway, I need a name for The Interloper. I’ve been racking my brains and all I can come up with is….
Bond.
Yes, yes. I know that is sooooo predictable for Mrs T. But just think – I get to say all those things I’ve always wanted to say!
“Bond, will you please please stop pawing my breasts!”
“Bond Baby, you are so silky I can’t stop stroking you!”
“Bond Honey, will you stop licking right now it’s ruining my concentration.”
“Nudge the door closed Bond; I don’t want anyone to see us cuddling”
” Don’t stop purring Bond, it’s driving me crazy!”
Yeah, you get the idea. So I’m thinking The Interloper probably needs another name. So.. anyone want to offer up any suggestions?? I pay well – a kilo of smoked haddock and a slightly burnt Chicken tikka.
Okay So let’s have some serious suggestions please or I’ll be committed to 15 years of corny Bond jokes!
Here he is;
Do your best folks!
27 responses
Chancer the Piss Artist?
Hmm… a nice idea Aghast:) However, I have a habit of abbreviating names; I'm not sure my neighbours will take too kindly to me shouting "Piss, Piss" from the doorstep:)
The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey–
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter–
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover–
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.
Still Aghast..what an excellent poem! You see, you must do the animal episode as I suggested! Purrfect!
Well in the spirit of TS Eliot how about Macavity the Mystery Cat?
Hmm.. Macavity is rather nice:) Although a bit of mouthful. Macavity Bond sounds quite good though!
Basil (Don Bond)
Basil means "king" in Greek.
My goodness. This is going to be fun. How about Squibbles?
Ooh! Macavity indeed! That's purrfect! 🙂
Congratulations on being nominated by His highness to serve him. He looks really handsome. How about Heathcliff?
Best I can come up with is Furrball.
Surprised you have not opted for PB (Pierce Brosnan that is)
The thing about bond is you will also be left with bond licking his balls instead of paying you attention. Its just something us blokes do…if we can reach. How about jack? Then you can say "jack! Off my legs." " jack off the chair!" infact you will have so many "jack off" possibilities that you will find endless entertainment. Or alternatively, a play on words. Instead of calling him "cat", call him kettle. A packet of pork scratchings to anyone who can explain my play on words there.
Bloghogger,
Basil is easy to say which is a plus but Master Ben says it is the name of a tedious game they play at school so he has already ruled it out.
I'm thinking it also puts me at the mercy of many a Prunella Scales joke:)
Usha,
Hum… a classic name which has potential. But The Interloper has a very girlie cry which is not like the manly Heathcliff:) Also I'm thinking it's too sophisticated for an animal that licks his bottom!
GG,
Welcome to My Witty Ways:)
That's a second vote for Macavity which I like! It's not popular with the kids though so I'm giving it odds of about 50- -1 at the moment.
Mr I,
Ohh.. Squibbles. How very silly – And so very me! A tad unexpected from a sophisticated gentleman like yourself but I like it – and the kids haven't ruled it out yet:)
The Saint, Pimpernel,Tux?
How about Buffy? (Hey, he doesnt know the difference between a boys and a girls name!) He could be Buffy the Clean Rug Slayer.
Or maybe Fuma? It's original and he will know it from when he pisses on the carpet when he wonders why he has a Foot Up My Arse.
Or even Chuckles. Coz you know he is laughing to himself when he craps in your shoes later!
Show them the poem…
Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw–
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime–Macavity's not there!
Macavity, Macavity, there's no on like Macavity,
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime–Macavity's not there!
You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air–
But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!
(I've stopped before it goes on to describe him as a ginger cat…)
Mrs M,
I can't call him Pierce;it would be immoral! There's only one Pierce!
Sy,
The Jack I get but even I'm lost on the kettle! Does it involve a lot of tea?!
Fuma and Chuckles are good too:) Keep 'em coming:))
Sue,
Hmm…I rather like Tux. Maybe Tuxi even? I once read that animals that have name ending in a vowel respond better – something to do with the change in pitch I think. Whether or not that's true I don't know but it makes sense.
The Phantom Googler,
I will show them the poem!
Ps – Good idea about stopping before the ginger bit:)
Sy,
I like that one! Excellent! Mr T might wonder about the "Clean Rug Slayer" bit but I might take my chances:)
Mrs T. Try saying Pierce and elongate the final sound??
OK I have to spell it out for you -sounds like Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…..!!!!!!!!!!
My vote's for Buffy!!!!
Ah..I see Mrs M!
Now Psssssssssssssss is appropriate but Buffy IS rather nice:)
I know :
James.
or Basildon . . .
How about Stealth or Sneak. Seems like a good description of his ninjitsu style visits.
McKavity sounds good but I like Ballicker, Minnie, Pussy galore, Puss N Boots, or Beatles.