Midnight thoughts

It’s nearly 12 pm. My hands are covered with paint as I prepare my home for viewing by the estate agents. I’m tired and emotional.

Earlier in the day, I watched my youngest son, the no 1 seed in a tennis tournament (which is based on his past record) crash out in the second round to an opponent with not even half his talent. It’s tough watching your child be defeated but when only three years ago they won a national tennis title at Wimbledon it’s a lot harder.

And I wonder why I wasted so much of my life with someone who has created so much havoc in our lives and who, even now, refuses to rise above his narcissistic self-esteem issues to salvage anything for his children.

There is such a burning anger in me. I know I should let it go or it may destroy me. But right now, when he has taken so much from me, destroyed every aspect of our marriage, stripped me of my family inheritance and the ability to secure the future for my children through his foolish actions, there is no forgiveness in me.

Nor will there ever be.

I have now cast aside all my trust, patience, forgiveness and my love.

And I will use my anger to drive me forward.

https://youtu.be/2vjPBrBU-TM

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Wendy says:

30 May 2017 at 10:55 PM

I hope you managed to sleep Jane and that today was a better day 🙂

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Barbara In Caneyhead says:

31 May 2017 at 7:45 AM

I can only imagine what you feel and what you face! But I have been in a position where forgiveness seemed impossible. And I know that if you hold on to the anger and hate it will end up hurting you and your son more than it ever will the louse. It takes daily prayer, and at first it is no more than ranting to God how badly you were treated. But if you end in asking him to help you find your way to forgiveness, then slowly, but surely eventually you will find you harbor no ill will and are actually praying for your enemy! It requires no action on your part after that. Yet, you will feel a humongous load has been lifted from your shoulders and you will finally begin to heal from the hurt that was caused to you.

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Anonymous says:

2 June 2017 at 1:27 PM

I have been reading your posts for many years and never once commented. It actually hurts to read that you are having such a tough time of it lately. You are always so much fun on the blog and quirky that it's easy to forget you might be going through troubled times. I must say I am surprised at Mr.T. Though you have never written much about him, I got the sense that he was an indulgent husband and even a little amused at your car driving mishaps or trials in the kitchen. Anyway, hugs to you. You and your amazingly talented sons will come out on top. Never doubt yourself.

– Anupama

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