Forget the NSA, forget MI5, the people really watching you are the men behind the desks at Amazon.
I swear to God Amazon knows everything about me and, since I’ve ordered shoes and clothes through them, those grey suits also know my foot and dress size and could probably even make a guess at the size of my botty.
They’ve also got a huge list of everything I’ve ever purchased, an even bigger list of anything I’ve ever looked at and, worryingly, a record of all the books on my Kindle.
Which may or may not be embarrassing.
*Whistles nonchalantly*
Now, as if this scrutiny isn’t enough, I’ve noticed that lately Amazon has been sending me suggestions for items to purchase which don’t have a lot of relation to what I’ve been looking for.
What’s that about?
I’ve been thinking about it and come to the conclusion that it’s almost as if someone at Amazon is deliberately trying to provoke poor Mrs T into one of her full-scale rants.
For example, if you remember, a few weeks ago there was the incident of the artist’s Banksy’s tablemats which got me really riled. Then, on Saturday, there was another suggestion which seemed even more perverse – a suggestion to buy tickets to a Barry Manilow concert.
Barry Manilow ?
I say again
Barry Manilow ?
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Just how old do those jokers at Amazon think I am? Ninety?
Do they think I am deaf and blind?
Now I know some folks expect people over forty to be sitting in armchairs making whimsical comments about Paul McCartney or humming a funeral march but some of us actually listen to popular music. Or – to use a more hip-hop trendy term – “pop” music. In fact I am so “with it” and “in the groove” I even have striped pyjamas like Robin Thicke. In fact, I’d go so far as to say Robin was copying my style wearing that striped suit at the Grammys.
I suppose what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way is:
I would rather coat myself in nail varnish and set myself alight than go to a Barry Manilow concert.
Anyway I thought the Barry Manilow incident was bad enough until yesterday morning I got this email:
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Now I know someone at Amazon really is taking the mickey.
4 responses
Does that say grammar or grandma?
I'm not sure, Martin. Presumably I can't spell which is why Amazon sent me the email:))
Relax. They obviously haven't worked you out at all and they probably never will.
I'm quite exercised by the stuff the Tesco Clubcard people come up with. They have given up sending me vouchers for things I never buy and now seem resigned to sending me vouchers for stuff I have actually bought in the past (and will buy again). Consequently, I find myself buying items a little earlier than I otherwise would (so that the vouchers don't expire) and then I get cross and wonder if they have taken over my mind … Their 'algorithms' are getting far too clever.
Tesco's haven't worked out that I never use any of the promotional vouchers – I can't even find my car keys on a daily basis the thought of trying to find some vouchers on a small slip of paper sent about onev every two months makes me feel physically ill:D