Ring the Bells, Sound the Trumpets!

Gosh. I must interrupt the inactivity on this blog with some exciting news for my Lady Readers.

I just heard on the radio that Arnold Schwarzenegger is splitting from that Kennedy woman!

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be Jolly
Fa la la la, la la la la

Okay, it is kinda sad that after twenty-five years that Arnie and his wife can’t hold it together…but on the other hand…

Yippee!!!

At last I’m in with a chance of grabbing Arnie’s butt for myself. I mean, who wouldn’t want a shy, retiring, svelte-like, sweet, adorable English Rose like me? Okay, I admit might not be actually “svelte-like” but Arnie’s an actor he can use his imagination, can’t he? And as for the sweet, adorable bit – just ask all my friends…. it’s completely true.

At least on Mondays when the kids go to school.

So Arnie and that big cigar he’s always carrying is up for grabs. Whoa Ladies! I haven’t felt this excited since David Cameron was elected as our Prime Minister. Mind you, after ten years with a Labour government and I probably would have been celebrating if Cheeta The Monkey had got into power.

You know, I didn’t feel quite the same when Paul McCartney got divorced. Maybe it’s because he wrote Hey Jude. I imagine he’d be a slushy, romantic kind of guy who sprinkles bed sheets with rose petals – and then waters them. Whereas Arnie would sprinkle the bedsheets with rose petals and then just rip ’em off. (The bed sheets that is.)

Anyway, the idea of making rumpy pumpy with someone who’d actually slept with Heather Mills is somewhat disconcerting. It’s the leg thing, I’m afraid. Yep, I can imagine being in the throes of a second chorus of Hey Jude when suddenly a vision of a wooden leg springs to mind with Paul whispering; “I think it needs a coating of linseed oil, Heather. I’ll do it tonight after I’ve sanded it down…..”

Anyway, Arnie is free. Now, I’ve just got to break the news to Mr T gently….

Latest Posts

A to Z: B is for Badass Brits.

2 April 2025 2 Comments

Now, when I think of Badass Brits, I think of the likes of Jason Statham and Vinny Jones. Men with humble, working-class backgrounds who’ve made good and have a reputation as hard men in films. The kind of men who, 100 years ago, might have worked 12-hour shifts down the mines and still come home and dug the garden over. Not like our present PM, Keir Starmer, who keeps trying to pass himself off as the son

A to Z: Age is for Ageism

28 March 2025 8 Comments

So, I reckon we should start off the A to Z with a rant on ageism and generally being old (read f***** over for the less sensitive amongst you.) I know it’s hard to believe, but I started writing this blog in 2007 when I was 42. This makes me a dinosaur amongst the blogging community (i.e., I’m verging on the extinct), and last month, I turned 60. Now, I know the kinder amongst you will be saying, “How

New Website

14 March 2025 4 Comments

After 18 years on another CMS, I have moved my blog to a more versatile platform. However, it will take some time while I perform some jiggery-pokery to get it exactly how I want it. So please bear with me as things fall off the page, are posted upside down and so on. It has also beome apparent that I will have to edit hundreds of posts as importing them has screwed up all the post layouts, especially paragraphs. This

A Chicken Nugget A Day Keeps Justice Away

10 February 2025 No Comments

I have been forced. Yes, forced to come out of blog hibernation to comment on the latest scandal to hit the UK. God knows I have been tempted multiple times in the last few years to comment on some of the insane things happening in the UK and in the world, but sadly, life has just thrown too many curve balls at me. But today, I can take no more – I cannot keep my mouth shut any longer over

My Nominees for the US and UK Elections and Other Waffle

31 October 2023 6 Comments

It’s the early hours of the morning, and I have had a large gin… Late-night alcohol is always a good recipe for writing gibberish. And I have not written gibberish for a while on my blog as I have been busy writing gibberish for my MA in Comedy Writing. Which I recently passed with a distinction. Yay! Yes, it transpires that even academics can be fooled into thinking gibberish is genius. Excellent. So anyway, I have written two sitcoms, a

Less is More (well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it)

2 February 2023 4 Comments

I’ve been practising my haikus, which you may recall, I’m not particularly good at. However, I wanted to address the woke issue in a concise, meaningful way as it is such a serious matter for discussion and particularly relevant to me as a comic writer. Which, if you know me, translates as: 1) I’m too lazy to write a long analytical post. And 2) I’d rather watch a movie and eat tortilla chips. However, I feel obliged to say my

Pixie says:

10 May 2011 at 8:18 PM

Haha! This made me giggle. 🙂

Reply
Jane Turley says:

10 May 2011 at 8:20 PM

Thanks Pixie, glad you enjoyed it:)

Reply
Martin Lower says:

11 May 2011 at 12:51 PM

Good luck in your pursuit of Arnie, Jane. But if I were you, I wouldn't marry him. Just imagine having to spell Swarzenegger to every call centre in the world!

Reply
Jane Turley says:

11 May 2011 at 12:55 PM

Hmm…Good point Martin! Shwarzenegger is a bit of a mouthful – well so I've heard:)))

Reply
hillgrandmom says:

12 June 2011 at 12:20 PM

And after all the other revelations, surely you don't want the Governator….Of course, I guess, whatever the revelations, it doesn't make the A butt any less hot???

Reply
Jane Turley says:

12 June 2011 at 12:25 PM

Well his butt is still hot Sue but I must admit after all the revelations I've lost interest a bit! I suppose it's no surprise that a man like Arnie has "dabbled" but the fact it was in his own house under his wife's nose and then he kept the maid on for 20 years is rather amazing to say the least!

Reply
hillgrandmom says:

12 June 2011 at 12:48 PM

I know. Poor Ms Kennedy.

Reply