I had a curious dream

I had a really weird dream last night.

I dreamt I met Ricky Gervais who asked me to audition for a role in his new movie as… Santa Claus.

(This could be quite a disturbing post. Be warned.)

So in preparation for my audition I asked the good Mr T to listen to me rehearse my speech in the deep bellowing voice like all Santa’s should have. Sadly, Mr T was uber critical of my abilities so I stormed off in a huff to practise my song and dance routine.

Yes, I was going to star in a Ricky Gervais film as an all-singing, all-dancing Santa Claus.

You know, I’d always dreamt of starring in a Lara Croft type movie but what do I end up with? A singing bloody Santa. Life (and dreams) are so unfair aren’t they?

Anyway, no matter how hard I tried, I could not remember the lyrics to the tune I was supposed to be singing. I was like an extremely bad X factor contender only twice as old and twice as stupid. At this point I woke up traumatised by the fact I was going to miss out on a glamorous Hollywood role because I couldn’t remember the lyrics to a simple song.

This morning I still can’t remember the lyrics – just the tune. Although it did possibly have the words “Everyone is crazy” in it and was probably sung by a 1980s American rock band.

Any ideas anyone?

In the meantime, whilst my brain is trying to work out which song it was I’ve also been trying to analysis my dream for any subliminal messages. So far I’ve come up with:

1) I have a crush on Ricky Gervais (This is actually news to me as I had no idea I fancied him at all. I mean when I dreamt about Hugh Grant I could sort of understand it….)

2) Ricky Gervais is trying to tell me I’m not funny or I’m telling him he’s not funny. Or we’re both not funny or Ricky Gervais is looking for a woman who likes dressing up as a bearded man who has a penchant for elves.

3) Mr T is not happy with my housekeeping skills. (I sort of knew that one – but I’ve been choosing to ignore it for twenty years. Maybe guilt is catching up on me.)

4) I’m fat.

5)I can’t act.

6) I can’t sing.

7) My memory is kaput.

So basically, it was one of those dreams you can’t take any positives from. Now unless anyone out their can come up with anything even remotely encouraging for me I’m going to lie down for a long time. I don’t think this getting old business is doing me any good at all.

Ps – whilst I’m lying down please vote for my friend Tony to go into space – see previous post.

Latest Posts

A to Z: B is for Badass Brits.

2 April 2025 472 Comments

Now, when I think of Badass Brits, I think of the likes of Jason Statham and Vinny Jones. Men with humble, working-class backgrounds who’ve made good and have a reputation as hard men in films. The kind of men who, 100 years ago, might have worked 12-hour shifts down the mines and still come home and dug the garden over. Not like our present PM, Keir Starmer, who keeps trying to pass himself off as the son

A to Z: Age is for Ageism

28 March 2025 24 Comments

So, I reckon we should start off the A to Z with a rant on ageism and generally being old (read f***** over for the less sensitive amongst you.) I know it’s hard to believe, but I started writing this blog in 2007 when I was 42. This makes me a dinosaur amongst the blogging community (i.e., I’m verging on the extinct), and last month, I turned 60. Now, I know the kinder amongst you will be saying, “How

New Website

14 March 2025 19 Comments

After 18 years on another CMS, I have moved my blog to a more versatile platform. However, it will take some time while I perform some jiggery-pokery to get it exactly how I want it. So please bear with me as things fall off the page, are posted upside down and so on. It has also beome apparent that I will have to edit hundreds of posts as importing them has screwed up all the post layouts, especially paragraphs. This

A Chicken Nugget A Day Keeps Justice Away

10 February 2025 7 Comments

I have been forced. Yes, forced to come out of blog hibernation to comment on the latest scandal to hit the UK. God knows I have been tempted multiple times in the last few years to comment on some of the insane things happening in the UK and in the world, but sadly, life has just thrown too many curve balls at me. But today, I can take no more – I cannot keep my mouth shut any longer over

My Nominees for the US and UK Elections and Other Waffle

31 October 2023 457 Comments

It’s the early hours of the morning, and I have had a large gin… Late-night alcohol is always a good recipe for writing gibberish. And I have not written gibberish for a while on my blog as I have been busy writing gibberish for my MA in Comedy Writing. Which I recently passed with a distinction. Yay! Yes, it transpires that even academics can be fooled into thinking gibberish is genius. Excellent. So anyway, I have written two sitcoms, a

Less is More (well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it)

2 February 2023 49 Comments

I’ve been practising my haikus, which you may recall, I’m not particularly good at. However, I wanted to address the woke issue in a concise, meaningful way as it is such a serious matter for discussion and particularly relevant to me as a comic writer. Which, if you know me, translates as: 1) I’m too lazy to write a long analytical post. And 2) I’d rather watch a movie and eat tortilla chips. However, I feel obliged to say my

Tony "Apollo" James says:

25 January 2013 at 10:38 AM

Everyone loves Santa Claus and Jane T "simplez..squeak" end of story. ….
🙂

Reply
Jane Turley says:

25 January 2013 at 10:47 AM

Now that's a nice thought, Tony. However, if on the other hand I interpret my dream as that I want to be as popular as Santa then I am more delusional than I thought.

I probably need some medication.

Reply