The Truth about Curriculum Vitaes

I am rewriting my curriculum vitae at the moment. It is such a tedious task. The trouble is I have this inherent desire to spice things up but I am trying to restrict myself to being truthful which not only is boring but extremely dull to write. The trouble is when I spice things up I often end up in trouble – a bit like the time when writing up my teaching observations at a drug hostel I decided to offer my five top tips for teaching adolescents. One of those pointers was to “never, ever talk about sex or you might wake up the next morning next to an acne-faced teenager.” I can’t remember the other four points but they were equally in bad taste. Boy, did I get into trouble for that one.

It’s unfortunate that folks just don’t have much humour any more – well not if they work in local government. Which is ironic as when I look at our politicians I often think to myself “Boy, have we as a nation got a sense of humour!” Mind you, some people just have absolutely no sense of humour at all. I’m still laughing that the Germans thought we won the Battle of Britain because we ate a lot of carrots. I wonder what they thought those massive antennae on the coast were? Perhaps they thought those radars were a cute British seaside trait – perhaps climbing frames for the kids or a new helter skelter ride?

“Ahh zee British zey are so cute with zer funny ways! It is a shame, Herr Fuhrer, to invade but ve vill look forward to zose itsy bitsy cucumber sandwiches and playing on zose amazing helter skelters!”

Ah the Germans. God bless them. Well somebody has to. Personally, I just like them for their sausages.

Anyway, curriculum vitaes. Now here’s a question for you. Have you ever lied on your CV? Now I haven’t -well not yet. I am thinking of leaving off half my qualifications though as I feel slightly overqualified for that job in Tescos. Maybe I should delete my degree and insert my cycling proficiency test instead. Hmm…I kinda like that idea. Maybe I could work in the home delivery section?

You know, the other day Mr T got a request on one of these networks that people who work or want to work use – unlike people like me who use Facebook – which if you plaster pictures of yourself out on a drunken binge, smoking pot and flashing your knickers on a street corner you definitely won’t have a job the next day. Now as this request came through Mr T started to laugh and says (I shall roughly translate) “You remember Joe Bloggs? What a jerk!” And indeed I remembered the many times Mr T had come home saying “You won’t believe what Joe Bloggs has done today!” Now I can’t remember all those stories exactly now – but let’s just say Joe was the kinda guy who came to work with his pants inside out, wearing in a turnip on his head and would set off the fire alarms whilst trying to work out how to open the Gents. And that was before even got into the office. Anyway, the funny thing was as Mr T reads this guy’s CV online he leaps up from his chair and says;

“I can’t believe it! He has put down that he did my job on his CV!”

Yeah. Joe was a bit of a jerk. Anyway, I felt sorry for poor Mr T. There’s him working hard doing a stressful job and this guy is just blagging it. What a cheat.

Anyway, I was a bit curious at this point so I leant over Mr T’s shoulders and said;

“Ohhhhhh…is there a picture of him with his pants inside out?”

So CVs – there are what you make of them I suppose. Truthful or not. Currently I am describing myself as “mature” ( in age only – no one give the game away please), “enthusiastic” (I haven’t qualified in exactly which area as I feel “chocolate, sex and late night films” wouldn’t go down too well) and “An excellent communicator.” To which I can qualify – that when some guy lambasted me for parking legally in a place where he so happened to want to cross the road (Yes it’s true) I communicated excellently. As anyone in about a 10 mile radius could testify.

That’s the last time that male chauvinist pig will pick on the weaker sex I can tell you.

Well time to go and finish off this CV. See you around!

Ps – if anyone wants to employ me. I am available for washing up at a hugely expensive rate. I can bring my own soap.

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