Dear Santa…

Dear Santa,

I haven’t written to you in a really really long time but this year I have a very special request. I am desperate. I have not been able to find what I want anywhere and I need some help.

Please, please, please, please can I have some jeans that fit? You know – those ones that stay up without a belt and super glue and don’t regularly fall down showing your arse to the whole world.

I don’t think it’s much to ask and I have been a (fairly) good girl this year and well I don’t really want to trouble Him Upstairs. Cos the chance is he’s more into robes and wings and stuff and I reckon on your 364 days off you probably ditch that red gear and wear faded denims. You probably look really cool – a bit like a trendy Kenny Rogers. Only with Reindeer and an unhealthy interest in elves.

Thanks – I’ll leave out a really big mince pie.

Big Kisses,

Janie

Latest Posts

A to Z: B is for Badass Brits.

2 April 2025 1 Comment

Now, when I think of Badass Brits, I think of the likes of Jason Statham and Vinny Jones. Men with humble, working-class backgrounds who’ve made good and have a reputation as hard men in films. The kind of men who, 100 years ago, might have worked 12-hour shifts down the mines and still come home and dug the garden over. Not like our present PM, Keir Starmer, who keeps trying to pass himself off as the son

A to Z: Age is for Ageism

28 March 2025 3 Comments

So, I reckon we should start off the A to Z with a rant on ageism and generally being old (read f***** over for the less sensitive amongst you.) I know it’s hard to believe, but I started writing this blog in 2007 when I was 42. This makes me a dinosaur amongst the blogging community (i.e., I’m verging on the extinct), and last month, I turned 60. Now, I know the kinder amongst you will be saying, “How

New Website

14 March 2025 2 Comments

After 18 years on another CMS, I have moved my blog to a more versatile platform. However, it will take some time while I perform some jiggery-pokery to get it exactly how I want it. So please bear with me as things fall off the page, are posted upside down and so on. It has also beome apparent that I will have to edit hundreds of posts as importing them has screwed up all the post layouts, especially paragraphs. This

A Chicken Nugget A Day Keeps Justice Away

10 February 2025 No Comments

I have been forced. Yes, forced to come out of blog hibernation to comment on the latest scandal to hit the UK. God knows I have been tempted multiple times in the last few years to comment on some of the insane things happening in the UK and in the world, but sadly, life has just thrown too many curve balls at me. But today, I can take no more – I cannot keep my mouth shut any longer over

My Nominees for the US and UK Elections and Other Waffle

31 October 2023 2 Comments

It’s the early hours of the morning, and I have had a large gin… Late-night alcohol is always a good recipe for writing gibberish. And I have not written gibberish for a while on my blog as I have been busy writing gibberish for my MA in Comedy Writing. Which I recently passed with a distinction. Yay! Yes, it transpires that even academics can be fooled into thinking gibberish is genius. Excellent. So anyway, I have written two sitcoms, a

Less is More (well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it)

2 February 2023 3 Comments

I’ve been practising my haikus, which you may recall, I’m not particularly good at. However, I wanted to address the woke issue in a concise, meaningful way as it is such a serious matter for discussion and particularly relevant to me as a comic writer. Which, if you know me, translates as: 1) I’m too lazy to write a long analytical post. And 2) I’d rather watch a movie and eat tortilla chips. However, I feel obliged to say my

Martin Lower says:

22 December 2011 at 8:46 PM

I thought you could get jeans in all sorts of different fittings these days. They've gone a bit like coffee – too much choice! Gone are the days when one only had to decide between Nescafe and Maxwell House.
As you can probably tell, it's a while since I've bought jeans. I have an old pair that get used for gardening or decorating in, but aren't suitable for wearing in the street due to having holes in embarrassing places.
I'd post a picture, but I'd probably be arrested.
Good luck with Santa, and have a Happy Christmas.

Reply
Jane Turley says:

22 December 2011 at 8:57 PM

Well that's true Martin but now all but the "high waisted" jeans all fall down and trying to find "high waisted" is like trying to find a needle in a haystack – they used to be the norm but have been replaced by "sits on the waist" – which is actually "below the waist" and leads to the ungainly habit of constantly hitching up one's jeans…
You see – it's a hard life being a woman with these fashion dilemmas!!! After my last failed purchased of jeans a few weeks ago I think I'm going to quit searching altogether if Santa doesn't deliver; I am of the age I successfully make the transfer into crimpolene:))

Those jeans of yours sound very dubious – I hope you have high garden fences!!

A Happy Christmas to you too:))

Reply