The Afflictions of Facial Hair

I’ve been a little quiet this week because I’ve been very, very busy.

Do you have any idea how long it takes to remove facial hair?

No? Well let me tell you it can take me absolutely ages. In fact, the first thing I do in the morning even before checking my emails is to see what’s sprouted overnight.

Cripes, sometimes seeing my facial hair is enough to make my face freeze into mock horror – rather like Joan River’s. At 6am that’s not ideal – imagine being stuck looking like a corpse for the rest of the day. Worrying, very worrying. Anyway, these terrifying moments usually occur after I’ve had a thorough defuzzing the previous morning. I get up with a spring in my step, look in the mirror and  suddenly I see an enormous hair that’s the best part of a foot long. And I’m thinking…

OH MY GOD.That can’t have grown overnight.It must have been on my chin for several days.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……

Of course, as the panic sets in, I get images in my head where I’m looking like this;

Hmm. …and this is just the perimenopause. What will I look like after menopause if I become a hairy old granny with an upper lip like Stalin? Oh God it doesn’t bear thinking about…

Although on the plus side if I had a moustache like Stalin’s and a chin like a Gorilla’s it would probably prevent insects from flying in my mouth if I was sleeping with my mouth open. A bit like a human Venus fly trap I suppose.

Ugh. Imagine waking up and finding a Blue Bottle wedged up your nostril.

You know, I don’t think I should dwell on such scenarios; I’m liable to make myself depressed and then where would I be? Middle aged, hairy AND depressed. Fantastic.

Hmm.Personally, I hold my mother responsible for my current obsession.

Oh alright, I know some of you know my beloved mother passed away nearly two years ago, but really if mum hadn’t willed me her vanity mirror I would never have known that I had a face like a gorilla’s arse. I would just be sailing through life all merry and content. I mean, I just had an ordinary mirror before with about 10x magnification and then I inherited my mother’s mirror and then it was like…

WHAT THE F**K? I HAVE A BEARD!

Okay, I admit that secretly I’ve been after the role of Doc in Snow White ever since I played the back end of a horse in panto. But I was just planning on wearing a false beard; I didn’t know I was actually growing one.

Anyway, a few weeks back I decided enough is enough. No more hairs. Ever. I weighed up all the pros and cons, examined all the options for permanent removal and decided I was going to zap the offending hairs. With a laser. Oh yes, no hair was gonna stand in my way ever again. I was gonna take those little hairy rotters out.

Yep, so I decided to splash out on a home laser kit. In a few months time I aim to be hairless…well on my chin at least. And armpits, legs, upper lip…

And before anyone asks – no you can’t do it “there.” Well not unless you want to be rushed to Casualty with first degree burns. Let’s face it – you’d have a hard job explaining that one to the duty officer. Soo it’s just in the general vicinity. Know what I mean?

Blimey, it will be good to go for a swim with out having to get the hedge trimmer out.

You know, this laser gun could be a useful (and enjoyable) weapon. In fact, if Mr T makes me do too much housework I might zap his eyebrows in the night.

Now there’s a thought…

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Picture courtesy of John Brody on Flickr