I’m not saying I was worried but…….

Okay, I’m not saying I was worried but for a moment this morning I thought someone was going to drive into me!

Well I was waiting to pull out at a rather tricky junction. The oncoming traffic on my right is usually moving at about 40/50mph and slowing rapidly down into a 30mph zone just before traffic lights and the traffic from left is speeding up to move into 50 mph zone. In the middle of the road is the turning lane where the traffic can turn into the road where I am waiting to pull out. The situation is very dangerous for me because I can never see the traffic coming from my left because of there is always a long queue at the traffic lights for the cars on my right.

Hmm… comprehendez? Not sure if I do……

Anyway, the only way to get out unless you want to sit there all day is to edge out slowly craning your neck and hope that no one wants to turn right that you haven’t spotted over the roof tops of the queuing cars. (If you’re very lucky some kind soul in the traffic queue waves you out.)

Frankly, that road is absolute nightmare and a disaster waiting to happen but anyway back to the story – I’m sitting there waiting for my window of opportunity (In my car obviously not on my bottom in the road) when I look in my rear mirror and notice the car behind is up my backside. ( Okay – perhaps I should explain that “up my backside” an English expression for being dangerously near to the car in front……….)

Well that’s a worry in itself, but then I notice that the driver is about 100 and at the wheel of a banger so ancient it clearly should be exhibited at a Museum for Old Relics and Other Clapped Out Cars. It’s kinda obvious since he looks like the living dead and is almost bumper to bumper with me that HE SHOULD BE WEARING GLASSES. I mean folks, how many elderly gentlemen do you know of that age that don’t need specs? Let’s face it most ’em need specs just to locate their flies which they’ve been fumbling with for God know how many years so of course they should need specs for driving….. it goes without saying……

Okay, I guess you think Mrs T is exaggerating huh? Okay as evidence to you of the gentleman’s age I offer to you this evidence;

1. His hat. This gentlemen obviously peaked physically during the Cold War @1955 as he’s wearing one of those Russian fur hats on which I suppose were kinda trendy back then along with sheepskin jackets and paisley scarves.

2. His teeth. i.e – He doesn’t appear to have any. He’s sort of making that munchy “Where have my teeth gone, they should be here somewhere” movement that old folks do -like he’s trying to locate them and slip them back into place without anyone but the nurse seeing.

3. His sheepskin jacket.

Right, so I’m sitting there thinking do I risk possible death by pulling out in the road or do I wait for matey boy to ram me up the backside?? Anyway whilst I was deliberating this matter another thought entered my head……

Tom Clancy.

The Cardinal of The Kremlin.

Yeah, you know the book. If not, check it out or maybe Gorky Park by Martin Cruz Smith and then you’ll get my drift.

Uh huh. Now I’m thinking what if this geezer was a secret agent sent over by The Kremlin to follow Mrs T (aka Natasha) and hunt me down and steal my secret Fish Pie Recipe so that they could develop a new and highly toxic chemical weapon which they would then use to hold the world to ransom in exchange for control of the world’s supply of Gossard Bras? Yes, I was sure that the evil, toothless Ivanoich Dostovesknyich was part of a huge plan to make sure Russian women no longer had saggy boobs but pert, wholesome breasts like Western women……..

And do you know what?

Suddenly, I found myself at home………

Without my bra on……..