Gossipy Stuff

It’s that time of year again folks. You know the one I mean – no not autumn, although it is autumn. I mean when it’s the time of year to think about…. Christmas. Yes, I know it’s only September but hey, I used to work in retail!

Yep, I’ve already got my Christmas cards! How impressive is that! Alright, I’ll let you into a secret…I never got around to sending last year’s cards. I know, I know, what a slob I am using last year’s Chrissy cards..how low can a woman stoop!

In my case; pretty low.

But thank goodness for email! One letter, a photo attachment and hey presto the deed is done! Brilliant! Saves paper, money, resources….

Hmm..now I’ve got myself thinking “green” I’m not sure if I’ll actually use last year’s cards. Maybe I’ll cut them up and make them into gift tags…… Oh come on! Don’t be churlish – there’s a recession going on! A woman with with 3 kids like me has to make cutbacks! In fact, I did think of amputating the boy’s legs to save on the vast amount of shoes I have to buy but then I thought that actually maybe the tyres on the wheelchairs would be costly too….. and then I have do a lot of pushing…….

Pushing. That makes me think of childbirth. And screaming. Or in my case- verbal abuse. Yep, after 3 nightmare experiences I pray that I will never be one of those women who miraculously conceives at the age of 50. I can’t imagine anything worse than going to the Doctors believing you’re suffering from a bloated, menopausal stomach to be told…”I’m afraid  MrsTurley…you’re pregnant.”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………

Not that I should be worried really. A shock like that would probably kill me anyway. Knowing my luck though, when they did the post mortem it would turn out to be a medical cock up and I really did just have a bloated stomach…….

Anyway, there’s no chance of my getting preggers. Cos Mr T has had the snip. Now I believe there’s about a 1:100,000,000 chance that the tubes where those ghastly little tadpole things come from can spontaneously rejoin. However, since Mr T’s “snip” was more like a “carvery” I can rest easy in my bed knowing there’s as much chance of his tubes performing some miraculous reunion as there is as me becoming a prima ballerina. ie – None.

Not that I’m not light on my feet Readers – but those tutus are really silly aren’t they? They must have been designed by a man. Apparently bras were designed by a man. And I can believe that – some poor sod probably with the misfortune of being called Mr I.M Braless and who couldn’t get a girlfriend thought he’d design some undies for women just so he could legitimately looks at breasts all day long…….

I tell you what though Readers. Even if I was a spinster or a nun and called Miss Jockey nothing would entice me to look at those dangly bits that men have all day long. Not without wanting to get out my Paxo anyway. Am I right Ladies? What is about those swinging appendages that just don’t inspire you? (Unless you’ve had half a bottle of red) Yep, I’m afraid to say it but men look a whole lot better in their undies. Gives them a bit of shape……

Well since I’m on the subject of men let’s talk about foreplay. Now you know that game you play with your partner where the lady has a head start (not that “head” start – get your minds out the gutter please!) but the head start as in a running race and then the man chases you around the house and then things get fruity (so long as he’s still got his undies on) …….. well…. I’ve finally discovered why Mr T has never been able to catch me! Yes, all the years I thought Mr T wasn’t interested and then in tums out the reason the couldn’t catch me was because he has one leg shorter than the other!

Yep, all summer Mr T has been suffering with back and leg problems and last week we finally got to the bottom of the problem. How do I put this? Um…basically he’s a cripple. Okay, okay so I’ve been making a few jokes at his expense…. but let me tell you I’ve suffered for it Ladies. If you think my jokes are bad, you ought to hear his! And the same ones for 24 years! Anyway, now I finally know why when once he was trying to chase me (“trying” being the operative word) and he got his trouser cuff caught on some loose piping  he was just spinning around and around in a circle…..

So anyway Mr T has now got orthotics fitted (these are platforms which fit inside your shoe). So that’s him and Tom Cruise then……..

Hmmm….. kind of ironic that I’ve given Tom such a lot of stick and now Mr T has orthotics too. Although to be fair to Mr T he is a pretty tall guy already and well Tom is just well………. short. Sorry, not many other ways of saying it really. Well not without mentioning Fantasy Island anyway……

Anyway, gotta go – time to get those kids on the bus and Mr T in his wheelchair!