On The Night Watch

Three small sherry sized glasses of wine and 2 cups of non decaff and I can’t sleep. That’ll teach me. Who knows what I’d be like if I did drugs if this is what mere wine and coffee does to me. I can’t sleep at all. Nope, not a wink. I can’t even imagine what taking some LSD or such like would do to me – forget the hallucinations I’d probably have enough energy to swim the channel and back. I know that sounds impossible but if David Walliams can swim the Thames whilst he has tummy trouble I reckon I can swim the channel with insomnia.

You know, I keep wondering what the inside of David’s wet suit looked like while he was swimming. I’m not having pleasant thoughts.

Maybe he wore a diaper?

Still, at least my kids don’t suffer from insomnia. If they did I reckon they’d be pretty shocked to discover on Christmas Eve that Santa is a cross dresser and looks like a middle aged women with an addiction to cotton wool.

I should be in the secret service. If I was captured by the enemy and they tried that old trick of not letting letting you sleep in order to wheedle out vital information I’d be able to laugh in their faces. In fact whilst my interrogators were asleep I’d simply undo the locks with metal keys fashioned from my bra clasps and walk free.

James Bond overcomplicates things don’t you think? All that thuggery when he needs to get out of a tricky situation. Maybe he should just wear a bra.

Hmm. Could be kinda kinky. Daniel Craig in Elle MacPherson’s latest underwear collection. There’s definitely a feature film in that. I nominate myself as script writer.

I’ve made myself a milky drink. That’s supposed to work with insomnia isn’t it? It doesn’t usually for me but well I might as well try the simple methods before I bang myself over the head with the rolling pin. The rolling pin method does work but I feel bad for Mr T when I tell him he’s been having nightmares and clubbing seals in his sleep.

Well not that bad obviously. Amused maybe.

Well nearly 5am. Time to hit the sack and see if sleep comes. I have to get up at 7am so I need to take emergency action.

I’d better go and find the rolling pin.

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