A Formal Complaint about…. Socks

Or The Lady and The Sock… a simple love story where a middle aged, slightly disturbed woman, loses one of her beloved bedsocks. As she goes in search of her beloved sock she gets lost in the city where she meets a devilishly attractive cheap nylon sock from Primark…..

Or The Jungle Sock – a small boy finds a good use for some old red socks. (Well how else did he make those pants??)

Yep, you may have gathered that socks and I just don’t get along which is why I have a huge pile of odd socks in my house. And I mean huge. I might as well admit it (again)….as a housewife I am pathetic. Miserably pathetic. I just wasn’t born to be a housewife. I was born to do other stuff. Ummm…. I’m not exactly sure what kind of other stuff ……but you know what I mean….. Maybe a chocolate tester who lives in an enchanted castle where everything is magically cleaned? And there’s a prince with a huge load? Of gold?

Anyway I’m not looking for pity. I know my life is one big pile of holey socks but you know I try my best to be upbeat about things….. so I thought I’d give all you folks out there, who may have the same problem, a few tips on what to do with with your odd socks.

1. Okay -Hubby’s odd black socks are ideal for those dreaded dressing up days. Take two of the offending articles, tie them together and stick ’em on your child’s head. Paint their nose black and you instantly have a Goofy costume.

Don’t be disappointed if you only have odd white sports socks….with the same technique they can look like Deputy Dawg.

Continuing on the same theme, if you’ve been invited to a fancy dress party and your tired of going as a Roman centurion or a nun take 2 coat hangers bend them in half and shove ’em up two odd grey socks and strap them to your head. Then take a cotton wool ball and stick it to your bottom. For the finishing touch, shove a carrot in your mouth and you’ll look like this;

2. Now I know how charitable you ladies out there are but, like me, you may not be quite so good at knitting jumpers for the needy. So why not just sew all the odd socks together and make a patchwork quilt?

3. Put on a glove puppet show for charity. Keep your theme topical. With the UK general election coming up I’ll be giving my puppet show a political theme… a black sock for Barack Obama, a brown sock for Mr Brown (Labour), a grey sock for David Cameron (Tory), a white sock for Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrat) and, of course, a pink sock for Peter Mandelson. If I find one of Master Sam’s “special” socks which has been festering in his room for about 2 years and is now particularly ripe I’ll be using that for Mr Blair.

4. Gather all the odd socks together, sew them end to end and you have a stylish Dr Who scarf. Fabulous. If you start calling your car “The Tardis” as well I guarantee you will not be asked for any childcare favours.

5. Put them on your hands and do the polishing with them. Pretty good for mirrors or silverware.
Look, I had to give one sensible tip! Otherwise folks would think I’m completely stupid! I know, I know, you don’t come to this site for cleaning tips but today’s that rare occasion when I want to share part of my world with you.

(Ho hum. Believe that tip and you’ll believe anything.)