2500 x 500

The often dubious, politically incorrect and mainly humorous musings of Ms Jane Turley, (Ex) Housewife Extraordinaire.

D is for Deities, Demigods and Dunces

*WARNING*. THIS POST CONTAINS SLEAZY AND CRASS POETRY IF YOU ARE A FAN OF JOHN DONNE LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK.

So today I am going to be devoting my D post to two extremes of beings: The Deity or Demigod and The Dunce.

Now I am not going to pretend I am learned and studied the classics and know all about Greek and Roman mythology because I don’t.  And I am way too lazy to bother trying to look them up at 11 pm on a Tuesday evening with less than hour before I miss the A to Z deadline. So I’d thought I’d talk about deities and demigods in modern terms. So, after having thought for about a minute long and hard about how I might define deities and demigods in terms of a modern day being or likeness, I came up with this example.

George Clooney.

Who basically is what we describe as “lush” in the UK with the added bonus that he can do no wrong. (Except get married.)

Now as befitting Gorgeous George’s godlike status I have written him an ode:

Oh George how lovely art thou eyes
Even tastier than French fries
You ass is pretty good too
On it I could munch and chew
Or maybe lick off some fondue
So call me if you want a saucy English chick
Who likes a red hot… guy.

Pretty poetical stuff eh? Well maybe not. But what you do you expect at 11pm?

Blimey, I think I’m on a creative roll now. That’s what the pressure of this A to Z thing does to me. It sets the old brain cells firing. I think I shall write an ode to Chris Hemsworth now.

Oh Chris how muscular your biceps are
Even tastier than a candy bar
Your butt is pretty pert too
On it I could bite and nibble
Maybe even have a dribble
So write to me if you fancy a sweet English Rose
Who writes some awesome, fantastic poetry odes rhymes prose

So that’s deities and demigods defined. Now onto dunces.

Well that’s easy. Anyone who works at a British Telecommunications (BT) call centre!

And yes BT is my favourite pet hate. I’ve had years of emotional abuse from BT which has been compounded by the fact that they have recently installed fibre optics in our village but (and it’s a very big but) it stops about four houses down from us. So I must suffer the agonizing pain of slow broadband for probably another 2 years or more because apparently they are not even going to considering installing it for my end of the street until 2017.

How unfair is that! Four doors down my friend’s children get to play their games on super-fast connections and down here I can barely fire up my PC without a warning sign flashing up on my PC that says:

 “WARNING IMMINENT BT FAILURE. CLOSE DOWN YOUR PC NOW OR RISK STROKE AND HEART FAILURE.”
So that’s it for today. If you’ve got this far well done and there’s still enough time to pick up a copy of my short story Fantasia (which is whole load better than the trash I write on this blog) for free on Kindle. The offer ends approx midnight PST on 5th April. (See sidebar for link)
See you tomorrow!

Latest Posts
A to Z: B is for Badass Brits.

Now, when I think of Badass Brits, I think of the likes of Jason Statham and Vinny Jones. Men with humble, working-class backgrounds who’ve made good and have a reputation as hard men in films. The kind of men who, 100 years ago, might have worked 12-hour shifts down the mines and still come home and dug the garden over.       Not like our present PM, Keir Starmer, who keeps trying to pass himself off as the son

Read More »
A to Z: Age is for Ageism

So, I reckon we should start off the A to Z with a rant on ageism and generally being old (read f***** over for the less sensitive amongst you.)   I know it’s hard to believe, but I started writing this blog in 2007 when I was 42. This makes me a dinosaur amongst the blogging community (i.e., I’m verging on the extinct), and last month, I turned 60.   Now, I know the kinder amongst you will be saying, “How

Read More »
New Website

After 18 years on another CMS, I have moved my blog to a more versatile platform. However, it will take some time while I perform some jiggery-pokery to get it exactly how I want it. So please bear with me as things fall off the page, are posted upside down and so on. It has also beome apparent that I will have to edit hundreds of posts as importing them has screwed up all the post layouts, especially paragraphs. This

Read More »
A Chicken Nugget A Day Keeps Justice Away

I have been forced. Yes, forced to come out of blog hibernation to comment on the latest scandal to hit the UK. God knows I have been tempted multiple times in the last few years to comment on some of the insane things happening in the UK and in the world, but sadly, life has just thrown too many curve balls at me. But today, I can take no more – I cannot keep my mouth shut any longer over

Read More »
My Nominees for the US and UK Elections and Other Waffle

It’s the early hours of the morning, and I have had a large gin… Late-night alcohol is always a good recipe for writing gibberish. And I have not written gibberish for a while on my blog as I have been busy writing gibberish for my MA in Comedy Writing. Which I recently passed with a distinction. Yay! Yes, it transpires that even academics can be fooled into thinking gibberish is genius. Excellent. So anyway, I have written two sitcoms, a

Read More »
Less is More (well that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it)

I’ve been practising my haikus, which you may recall, I’m not particularly good at. However, I wanted to address the woke issue in a concise, meaningful way as it is such a serious matter for discussion and particularly relevant to me as a comic writer. Which, if you know me,  translates as: 1) I’m too lazy to write a long analytical post. And 2) I’d rather watch a movie and eat tortilla chips. However, I feel obliged to say my

Read More »

4 responses

  1. I was most upset when Mrs Clooney appeared on the scene. I'm sure there must be a way to remove her. I'm sure you could come up with a plan Jane!

  2. You are very generous, Paula. I seriously need to go to poetry school! (That said I am probably not interested enough to study it. Give me a haiku anytime.)

  3. I have a plan, Wendy. I write a best-selling book with a starring role in it for him, he gets to meet me and realises what he's been missing by hooking up with some boring human rights lawyer:D Obviously, I am hoping in the meantime The Changing Room is written into a screenplay and George gets to play the cameo role I wrote for him in the running scene!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *