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The often dubious, politically incorrect and mainly humorous musings of Ms Jane Turley, (Ex) Housewife Extraordinaire.

Excuse me whilst I swear

A couple of blog posts ago I wrote about turning up at 8.20 am with my boys on the wrong day for their dentist’s appointment.

Today, I forgot my own.

Yes, at 9.28 am the dentists rang to tell me my appointment was at 9.20. What I want to know is – with my track record why don’t they just ring me an hour before?

Okay – I know the answer – it’s because they charge you for missed appointments. Great. Now I’ve got two bills to fork out for. Humph.

Excuse me whilst I swear.

***** ****! !

On an entirely different matter, my short story The Princess and the Thief is featured as a staff pick on the short story website ReadWave. I’m going to pat myself on the back because frankly I need to cheer myself up as I know I’m going to get yet another whopping dentist’s bill next week. Somehow, my dentist always seems to find stuff to do on my gnashers. I think he actually enjoys dentistry. In fact, I know he does. He’s always showing me his new gadgets. Once, he even took me into his back room and showed me his new diamond drill. And I mean that sincerely, folks. No innuendo intended there – I can’t afford to be sued by him as I have enough trouble paying his bills already.

On yet another entirely different matter I haven’t mentioned my uncle’s funeral yet. I left home at 10.30am to get to a 1.30pm service at the crematorium: I finally arrived – at the wake at 4.30 pm. Now that is a long, long, story which I don’t have time to recount now but believe me they could make a film out of it. If you’ve ever seen the film Clockwise starring John Cleese – all you need to do is to substitute me and a funeral and there you have it. Anyway, that rather embarrassing episode is now going to be the opening chapter of my next book – move over Hilary Mantel. Who wants to hear about dead people wearing tights? My life is way more interesting…

My short story The Princess and the Thief on the Readwave front page. Hurrah! You can read it HERE

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I’ve been practising my haikus, which you may recall, I’m not particularly good at. However, I wanted to address the woke issue in a concise, meaningful way as it is such a serious matter for discussion and particularly relevant to me as a comic writer. Which, if you know me,  translates as: 1) I’m too lazy to write a long analytical post. And 2) I’d rather watch a movie and eat tortilla chips. However, I feel obliged to say my

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“Brilliant, could identify with all of this! Thank you for making me smile today! ”
Nikki on the BBC Column Mum's The Word
Nikki on the BBC Column Mum's The Word
"This book is by far one of the funniest I have ever read."
Amazon Reviewer
Amazon Reviewer
"I just loved this book so much. Could not put it down once I started and definitely couldn't drink anything while reading it or I would have sprayed it all over my Kindle. I can't wait to read more from Jane Turley, a truly great author. My son and husband both just look at me strangely while reading cause I would just burst out laughing or tear up one minute or another. Very very good book."
Amazon Reviewer
Amazon Reviewer
"I just wanted to say a big thank you for the lovely author event you did for us on February 20th. It was well put together and very interesting. You certainly kept the audience enthralled with your experiences of self-publishing."
Jane Gill, Bedfordshire Libaries.
"Concrete but mysterious, "No Returns" reads more like a prose poem, full of exquisite turns of phrase such as the deep purple essence dilutes to shadows of lilac bindweed, warm, inviting. This is a desperate woman's life in miniature, full of sexually poignant poetry and glimpse of everyday strangeness. A worthy winner."
Ray Robinson, AuthorCEO
“Wry and self-deprecating ....verging on verbal slapstick at times... packed with sustained intelligent humor and certainly funnier than most ....”
Nomination in Blogger's Choice Awards 2008
"Readwave are enormously pleased to publish Jane Turley's chilling but poignant story The Princess and the Thief, and we're even more delighted to bring this story across the world through our Worldreader programme."
Readwave CEOCEO
You know how women like to waffle on a bit? Well, every once in a million, one of them comes along that is so funny, you don't want them to stop. Not for a second. Natural talent combined with a great story makes this a must read. Buy it, believe me, you won't be disappointed."
Amazon Review
"Having been a follower of Jane's Blog for a number of years I have learnt not to drink whilst reading her blogs having once sprayed tea over my laptop with laughter. This book was no exception. For those with a weak bladder reading on the toilet or wearing TENA pants would be advisable."
Amazon Revieweer
"I could not put this book down until I finished it. Sandy life will make you laugh and cry. But her life is just like yours and mine. So many things to do and so many difficult choices to make. This is a comedy drama book that is a "must read.""
Amazon Reviewer