I Like Spam

I’ve been feeling a bit bored today. I have plenty to do though. In fact, too much to do which is why I probably can’t settle down to do anything in particular. The laundry, the ironing and the general cleaning is screaming out at me as well as the possibility of a search and rescue mission for some old underpants in Master Jacob’s room which smells distinctly of vinegar. Curious. There’s also my book to continue which is now over 50,000 words. However, I just can’t settle to anything at all. Nope. No can do. To use an English expression: I kinda have ants in my pants but due to boredom not excitement.

Anyway, boredom usually leads in my case to depression. Not bi-polar which is for the celebs but the kind of depression that lead to chocolate digestives and strong cups of coffee laced with whiskey. Maybe even a doughnut or two. Or if I’m feeling really suicidal – filing my nails and actually painting them.

However, I am now no longer bored today! Hurrah! This is because I have just received an email from George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, to tell me I have inherited $16. 5 million dollars!!!!!!!

However, George needs to know I am not dead (hence the email) so that I may become a beneficiary of the will of Mr Fredrick Williams. Mr Williams is apparently an old business associate of mine. I can’t quite remember Freddy but he might just be the old gentleman I sold some empty jam jars to at a car boot sale in 1993.

Anyway, George just needs to know my full name, residential address, nationality, date of birth, profession, age and status, my office telephone and fax, mobile phone, country of origin and copies of my passport and drivers licence and finally my private email address so he can start processing my transaction through Her Majesty’s Counsel.

Strangely as yet George hasn’t asked for my bank and tax details. I’m assuming that’s because he already knows them as he’s been sucking the blood out of Mr T and I for years and years.

I know – I’ll write back to George and tell him he can just pay it all into the Treasury! I expect George will be over the moon with my initiative.

Hmm..me thinks it’s time for that doughnut now.

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