A to Z: Age is for Ageism

So, I reckon we should start off the A to Z with a rant on ageism and generally being old (read f***** over for the less sensitive amongst you.)

I know it’s hard to believe, but I started writing this blog in 2007 when I was 42. This makes me a dinosaur amongst the blogging community (i.e., I’m verging on the extinct), and last month, I turned 60.

Now, I know the kinder amongst you will be saying, “How can that fetching red-haired woman in the picture above be anywhere near 60? She looks barely 25!”

To which my reply is:

1. You have failing eyesight.

2. You are on drugs.

3. You are on drugs and have failing eyesight.

4. I was wearing a wig.

5. I took that selfie in 2020 in lockdown when I was bored and decided to fashion myself a new hairstyle with a wig I’d found in a cupboard (probably bought for some school dressing-up day, which my memory has deliberately almost expunged due to my hatred of said days). Honestly, I can’t think why I’d bought a red curly wig at all – maybe it was Norse Viking Day at school? If anyone has ideas why I might have bought a red curly wig, drop me a comment because I literally have no idea. (Sadly, that appears to be evidence of memory loss. Ah, well.)

6. By the way, I was doing an impersonation of John McEnroe. I don’t usually go around with a gaping mouth – well, I am hoping not for at least 15 years when the dribbling might set in.

Unfortunately, the UK government is raising the state pension age again, so I won’t be able to receive it until I am 67. This will make the UK, along with the US (66), Denmark (67), Australia (67), and a few others, the countries with the oldest age to receive state pensions in the world. Incredibly, some countries still have retirement ages in their 50s. (Chokes.)

Now, I understand the economics of this (ageing population, etc.), but here’s my whinge:

IF YOU WANT US TO WORK TILL WE’RE 67 STOP WITH YOUR AGEIST CRAP.

Now, here in the UK, we have (supposedly) an equality act which states the following are “protected characteristics”:

• • disability

• • age

• • gender reassignment

• • marriage or civil partnership (in employment only)

• • pregnancy and maternity

• • race

• • religion or belief

• • sex
  • sexual orientation.

Oh, I also have it on very good authority (mine) that the government are about to introduce a new category;

You are an illegal immigrant.

Oh, wait a minute! The UK GOV has already surreptitiously done that.

Anyway, last year, I applied for numerous jobs, most of which didn’t receive a reply. In fact, I now consider it a success to even get an acknowledgement of an application. I am going to show my age here—but when exactly did it become common practice not to reply to an application, especially when a serious application is probably going to take a day to fill in all those ridiculous questions? You know, the ones…

1. Explain how your experience matches the job description. (Oh, for God’s sake, read the job titles on my CV/application: if you can’t work out how “retail manager” relates to your advertised position of “retail manager”, should you really be working in HR? Quit now before the early onset starts.)
2. List all your jobs and explain all interludes where you were not working. (What the f***? Get a life! I’m 60, not a new graduate. Go screw yourself!
3.  List all your qualifications. (Seriously? I’ve got 2 degrees. Do you want me to list my 16-year-old qualifications, the cycling proficiency test, and a Bronze swimming medal?
4. What qualities would you bring to our organisation? (Hmm..let me think. Humour? Oh no, they mean some arse-licking statement like “I’ll work all day and all night for minimum wage, no lunch or toilet break while proclaiming to everyone I know about the amazing working conditions and the excellent net-zero, anti-slavery and ethical practices and that on dress-down Fridays we all wear tee shirts reading “Save the Whales” on the front and, on the back “she/her” (even if you’re male).
5. Oh, a further note: it is preferable to actually say the above arse-licking statement during an interview while standing on one leg and doing magic tricks to entertain the CEO and his next-door neighbours/former private schoolmates/political allies, Board of Directors.

No, seriously. It takes seconds to put rejections in a folder and send an auto-generated polite rejection email. So why don’t the majority of HR departments do this? I guess too much time is taken up filing (their nails), training (at the gym) or perhaps thinking up ludicrous questions for their next job advert. I reckon I’d be excellent at devising questions. In fact, here are some of my suggestions:

1. When did you last fart? Explain any gaps.

2. List 10 organic foods not available in our staff canteen.

3. List all your achievements. Include any notable sex positions, any three-legged or egg-and-spoon parents’ sport day victories, savings over £50 and hair perms that didn’t go disastrously wrong.’

4. If you are over 60, please write a poem (in iambic pentameter) to prove you are still intellectually capable.

5. If you are under 25, please write the alaphabet.- You may use your phone for research.

Now last year, I got a total of 5 interviews and failed to get any job offer. Out of those five, I knew one I was not the best fit for, so no hard feelings. And I have to say I was super impressed by their HR department because they excelled themselves by sending my rejection letter, not once but three times. Now, a more sensitive flower might have burst into tears three times, but I took it on the chin and, indeed, have every admiration for an HR department that gives itself extra work. Kudos to them. Two others were personally written emails saying very nice things, but they’d got someone else; one was a phone call, “We were very impressed blah blah, but we had someone with more experience.” (How old were they? 90?) and one was what I could only describe as “bullshit”, which ranks on the same level as a reply I got from the previous year’s application to another firm when I asked why I hadn’t been shortlisted, I was told I had not evidenced “customer service”.

Yes, the smell of bullshit was strong with that one. (By the way, you can check out an old A to Z post on Bullshit here.)

I kinda feel that if you are going to answer a feedback request, at least try to make it believable or useful. Alternatively, why not just move into politics?

Now, I have spent many hours debating why I am not securing any of these positions. Is it the quality of the other candidates, my qualifications, experience, CV, or cover letter? Of course, it could be the quality of the candidates, but I’ve narrowed it down and believe it to be one of the following three factors.

1. I was overweight. (Yes, it shouldn’t be a factor, but I reckon it is one of those unsaid ones.)

2. I am too honest. (Unlikely as it seems, I am someone who will answer a question honestly – catholic upbringing folks. Says it all. ) Also, I never, ever put any bullshit on my CV. Unlike our esteemed Chancellor of the Exchequer.

3. It is ageism.

4. A combination of the above.

Now, I am guessing the primary reason is age, but I could be wrong. So anyway, what can I do about this? As I need to work unless I find some senile old guy with pots of cash to fleece marry. Here’s what I am doing/planning:

1. Since last June, I have lost three stone 10 lbs. (This was also spurred on by the fact that I was pre-diabetic.)

2. I’m going to continue not to lie, except as described in no three below. That’s just the way I am. I’m not going to dress up my CV, and I will answer questions honestly, even if it is to my own disadvantage. If you don’t want someone with (I hope) a measure of integrity and who doesn’t bullshit (during work hours anyway), then I consider that your loss, not mine.

3. I am going to fill in the (supposedly) confidential surveys of candidates with the following:

What is your age range? 18-25, 26-40, 36-55, over 55.

I am in the 26 – 45 age group.

Do you have any disabilities? 

Yes, I am partially sighted and have four toes on my left foot.

(NB: There is a guaranteed job interview for anyone with a disability who meets the job criteria!)

Ethnicity/Race:

I suffer from vitiligo.

Which of the following are you: Female, Male, Non-binary, Prefer not to say, or Prefer to self-identify?

I am female on Mondays, Male on Tuesdays, non-binary on Wednesdays and Thursdays, trans on Fridays and Saturdays, and on Sundays, I identify as a “Fruit Basket”.

What is your Religion or Belief:

I identified as a non-practising Star Wars Trooper.

What is your Sexual Orientation: 

Friday nights after half a bottle of wine and a tequila.

So, I am going to try that strategy for a few months and then review it. Let’s see what happens. Oh, let’s finish on a quiz! Now recently, I received a reply from a job application with this one classic liner:

“Hi, I am sorry but this job has now been appointed to.”

If anyone wants to guess which company that was from, leave a comment!